I am now in my second quarter of my self-imposed "romance-sabbatical".
It's so very interesting to note the number of things I used to do for attention, good or bad. Without realising it, I actually was a lot more interested in how I was perceived in a 'dating' or 'availability' sense than I cared to admit, even when I was saying I was putting dating on hold, I'd never actually put it down altogether.
My motivations for doing things were not always about what I wanted, necessarily. And it took a lot of energy denying that, as well. I'll give an example. After my improv comedy graduation night, my meditation teacher commented at following sessions how I'd "now put myself out there more" and that it was a matter of time that I'd be noticed. This was in reference to my constant requests alluding to the fact that it hadn't "happened" yet for me, and how impatient I was getting with the self-improvement thing, and it not "working".
Yup.
A lot of my self-improvement was all about getting myself to a place of perceived "sanity" from the crap I had been through in previous years, and all about my trying to be "normal" again. And that normality would be vindicated once I found someone who was "normal" who wanted to be with me.
It's pretty twisted thinking, innit?
But that's life, and that's what I craved for such a long time, and that's just where I was in my *ahem* "journey".
It was all about meeting someone to partner up with.
I am not saying this is a bad thing. And I am not saying that's not what I want anymore, because it very much still is something I hope I get to do again. But my sabbatical has shown me just how much I was wrapped up in this way of thinking. That this goal, if not reached, was somehow defining me in a negative way.
I have really enjoyed the first 3 months of my romantic "time-out". I still hope to meet someone special. But it doesn't define me as much as it once did.
It's so very interesting to note the number of things I used to do for attention, good or bad. Without realising it, I actually was a lot more interested in how I was perceived in a 'dating' or 'availability' sense than I cared to admit, even when I was saying I was putting dating on hold, I'd never actually put it down altogether.
My motivations for doing things were not always about what I wanted, necessarily. And it took a lot of energy denying that, as well. I'll give an example. After my improv comedy graduation night, my meditation teacher commented at following sessions how I'd "now put myself out there more" and that it was a matter of time that I'd be noticed. This was in reference to my constant requests alluding to the fact that it hadn't "happened" yet for me, and how impatient I was getting with the self-improvement thing, and it not "working".
Yup.
A lot of my self-improvement was all about getting myself to a place of perceived "sanity" from the crap I had been through in previous years, and all about my trying to be "normal" again. And that normality would be vindicated once I found someone who was "normal" who wanted to be with me.
It's pretty twisted thinking, innit?
But that's life, and that's what I craved for such a long time, and that's just where I was in my *ahem* "journey".
It was all about meeting someone to partner up with.
I am not saying this is a bad thing. And I am not saying that's not what I want anymore, because it very much still is something I hope I get to do again. But my sabbatical has shown me just how much I was wrapped up in this way of thinking. That this goal, if not reached, was somehow defining me in a negative way.
I have really enjoyed the first 3 months of my romantic "time-out". I still hope to meet someone special. But it doesn't define me as much as it once did.
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