I have been trying to approach my final chapter in the last few weeks. It's a tough nut to crack. Maybe I should just get writing, as I did for all the other chapters and it will just flow. I am holding back and unsure why.
I thought I was already pretty self-aware, but during this whole writing process I have had the most amazing insights that have taken me further. The latest one is the absolute conviction that I am quick of thought but slow to feel. And that when my thoughts catch up with my feelings, I am hasty to act. Feelings are quite hard for me to identify, and it's only when I have been given a long time to reflect on some of the more intense ones that I even realise I have been feeling those things at all.
So when I feel attraction for someone, it dawns on me very very slowly. Even when my body has noticed it from the very start, and given me all the warning signs for me to take heed! It's like my body and my head are still doing this disconnect thing, and it is only when I have slowed my thoughts right down and allowed myself to notice things going on in my physical being that I begin to realise it's there, lurking beneath the surface.
Then when I notice I am feeling this way, my head immediately takes over and starts barking orders at me. Which then makes me hasty to act on what I have just realised I am feeling.
But, you see, I have created many problems in the past by acting this way, going from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds flat. So this time I think I will allow myself to feel the feelings a little while longer and enjoy the stirrings of attraction. Should they go somewhere, that would be rather nice. Should they not, I can accept that too.
I thought I was already pretty self-aware, but during this whole writing process I have had the most amazing insights that have taken me further. The latest one is the absolute conviction that I am quick of thought but slow to feel. And that when my thoughts catch up with my feelings, I am hasty to act. Feelings are quite hard for me to identify, and it's only when I have been given a long time to reflect on some of the more intense ones that I even realise I have been feeling those things at all.
So when I feel attraction for someone, it dawns on me very very slowly. Even when my body has noticed it from the very start, and given me all the warning signs for me to take heed! It's like my body and my head are still doing this disconnect thing, and it is only when I have slowed my thoughts right down and allowed myself to notice things going on in my physical being that I begin to realise it's there, lurking beneath the surface.
Then when I notice I am feeling this way, my head immediately takes over and starts barking orders at me. Which then makes me hasty to act on what I have just realised I am feeling.
But, you see, I have created many problems in the past by acting this way, going from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds flat. So this time I think I will allow myself to feel the feelings a little while longer and enjoy the stirrings of attraction. Should they go somewhere, that would be rather nice. Should they not, I can accept that too.
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