365 offerings to The Meaning of Life

It was my birthday yesterday - the "big one". Number 42, the meaning of life! i have been obsessed with this number since I read "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy".... many many many MANY years ago!*

I never thought I would live to see this age (truly!) i have been through a fair amount of shit, and enough dark moments to wonder "is it really all worth it." and "I am not happy, and will never be" and "Why prolong the misery" and other such thoughts.

I am delighted to report these thoughts don't even come close to the surface anymore, and that the amount of joy i feel in everyday life ought to be packaged into a Disney movie somehow (am I making you feel ill, now? Well, tough, read on, cause I am going to tell you something that may make you sit up and take me seriously)

anyone can do it.

..........


Seriously........................


Anyone. I'm not that special.

Okay. I will give you a hint. Mule.

That's it. i'm as stubborn as... that is........


So no matter how tough it got, no matter how low I felt. When it really came down to it, and I decided I wasn't going to put my family through what I had been through. The choice came down to LIVE or DIE. and if I chose LIFE, then I was going to DAMN well try each and every day to make it the best life I could.

Otherwise, why bother?

So, to mark my 42nd year of this life, I will be blogging a thought or picture or moment that demonstrates the meaning of life. Or joy. Or "Strawberry" which was the original post I did when I went through the worst of the worst part of my grieving and depression.

It's not easy, but you can do it. YOU. JUST. NEED. TO. BE. RELENTLESSLY. FOCUSED. ON. FINDING. IT.

Today's strawberry: I give you CAAAAAAAKE!!!! I made this last week, it's coffee cake with coffee buttercream filling topped with coffee-caramel icing. MMMMMMMMMMM

 





*don't ask me how many years**

** okay it's because I don't recall, but it's almost certainly less than half my age.

It's time to feel the Happy

It's been a month now. I can acknowledge it. The happy permeates my being, all the time now. I cannot remember a time in my life where I felt this continuously, deliriously, happy ALL. THE. TIME.

I used to feel moments of joy, bliss even. But my general, underlying vibe was "dogged determination". Feeling the happy took extreme concentration.

Now it's just, well, THERE! I don't need to try, or to chase. It's there. I have been looking over my shoulder wondering when the punchline was going to happen, when the cosmic joke finally caught up with me. I don't think it's coming this time. I think this is it.

This is what I have been working towards my whole life, and once I stepped off the treadmill to smell the roses I planted,  I suddenly "got" it. That this is what it means to be alive - just "be" in the moment. Not having to worry where I have to be, who I have to impress, what I have to do and when things will fall over.... that all seems redundant now.

I can just be me.

Super happy me.

I have been told countless times that I am glowing, that my default expression is a big dopey grin, even when I'm not engaged in a conversation with someone.

I am immersing myself in creative pursuits, I have finished my book, started the second, finished a short film screenplay, started a second, and booked into a photography course (something I have been wanting to do for years now, and never set aside the time for myself to do it.)

I am grateful for all the offers of work that have come in, and I promise I will settle down soonish.... but even then the settling will be at my pace, with work that inspires me, that I know I will get as much pleasure from creating as my clients will get from receiving... it's just who I need to be now.

It's insane how happy feels. It is both the journey and the destination.

Decade

Today marks the 10th anniversary of my former husband's death.

It seems like a lifetime ago, something that happened to somebody else, not me. And yet sometimes it seems like yesterday. I catch myself in a memory, a moment of recognition that this whole "other" life was real. It mattered. He mattered.

He was a beautiful, flawed, individual. Like the rest of us. He battled demons that I still to this day don't fully understand. He didn't survive.

In the decade that has passed I have observed real progress in how we as a society treat and recognise mental illness as a real thing, not just something to be minimised, hidden from polite conversation, seldom mentioned, unless spoken about in hush-hush and guilty tones.

I often wonder, had he survived, whether he would have gone on to thrive and find his niche that he so clearly craved.

I don't suffer the crippling guilt anymore, but I do catch myself feeling sad every so often. He was a good soul. He didn't deserve the pain.

RIP Kevin. I know you are still very missed, to this day.

xxx

Musings on work and life. Striking the balance.

This afternoon following some typical discussion with my wonderful boyfriend who patiently listened to my future plans and dreams, mixed with a liberal dose of angst that the future will all work out the way I'd like it to, and musings aloud for the umpteenth time that my passion has always been storytelling; whether that be my early obsession with the Bill Collins Movie show, late nights watching old movies endlessly with my auntie, or my forays into improv; he finally observed wryly (with a twinkle in his eye)  that I have been unemployed for a day.

It stopped my musings dead in their tracks. Gosh, said I. And performed the necessary calcuations in my head. You're right! It feels like much, much longer in my head. Let me see, my last day in the office was on the 19th, my official final day of employment was the 20th, and yesterday was the 21st.... making it a grand total of.... one day.

Time is a funny thing. Perception can shape it, twist and extend it, or compress and make it move like the last drop of water falling from a closed tap.

He observed me struggling with that term "unemployed" for a few moments more, then asked "When was the last time you were unemployed?"

Again, I did the calculations. Well, said I. After my university degree, it took me some months to get my first full time job. But were you working during that time? Well, yes, I kept working at the family business, and also did waitressing at an Italian restaurant. In fact, on futher reflection, I haven't been unemployed since I was 16, when my holidays were spent helping out in various family businesses when I wasn't attending school or university courses, I was hell bent on ensuring I was fully employed in the pursuit of making a dollar towards my future hopes and dreams of being a fully fledged responsible adult who was 100% independent and making her own way in the world.

It has never stopped. Until yesterday.

How strange does it feel. I have never pursued that term, work life balance, I have always done things 150% right out of the box!

Even my unemployment has been started with the aim of attaining a new life skill in storytelling - screenwriting. I booked this course the day after I resigned. Is this some subconscious drive that cannot abide a moment in time where I am not occupying my brain or being in some way, shape or form? Or could it be just my innate curiosity about life, the universe, everything, that does not allow me to sit still for one moment in time?

I don't care, this doesn't feel like work at all. However, I am hoping my natural drive for employing myself in some kind of work will manifest in a meaningful way that can balance my responsible side with the pursuit of creativity. So it is written, universe. Let's creative this passionate life together!

xx

Hello Uncertainty

Hi there, long time no blog! (geez, have I heard that one before?)

I am 1-day out from the precipice of uncertainty and it feels fucking fantastic!

I have thrown in my lot with chance, fate, kismet. I have finally given myself over to absolute, 100% uncertainty. Me, the most "under control, OCD, planned" person there is!

There is no safety net right now, and it feels glorious!

Even if, in a few weeks' or months' time I take another path within corporate life, for the time being I revel in the pure bliss of the unknown.

I am taking a chance on me, on creativity. I am placing trust into the universe that I will manifest something that is right for me. Tonight I started a screenwriting course that may just be a lark, a fling, a chance to let my free spirit and imagination soar.... but who knows where it may lead.

I am so inspired by the decision to do..... nothing.... for the time being. I really am. Although there is also a part of me that is wondering "how long will this last?" and there is a part of my brain that is catalogue-ing all the possible avenues I have to approach to place boundaries and certainty to this glorious life. I really hope I can stave that impulse off for a little while longer..... I am really enjoying the freedom and irresponsibility for the time being :)

xx

Feel good moment I

5 inches and 6 months off my mane. Allowing the new hair growth to finally show through as the old hair is swiftly cut away. Someone massaging my scalp as the treatment soaks in. Soft locks. Fresh colour. Blowdry. Floating home looking a million bucks.

Cleaning out 2013's cobwebs.

Gratefully,

Natasha

10 Lessons - what the SIMS has taught me

1. It takes time and hard work to achieve success in life
2. Being nice to people makes friends
3. Being mean to people makes enemies
4. It is important to find the right alignment with people to get the job done
5. You can't do everything at once, things need to happen in the right order
6. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just wait
7. Just because something is available for sale, doesn't mean you should buy it unless it has a purpose... there is a lot of expensive and unecessary 'things' marketed out there which help you achieve nothing
8. Getting enough rest and food is vital for achieving your goals
9. Fishing is a valuable life skill as well as making you happy
10. Fun is as important as rest and food

Gratefully,

Natasha

Beautiful people: 12 hours straight

What a day to be grateful for!

Brunch with a dear dear friend who I have not seen in the flesh for months. Brunch where the menu was written on a whiteboard on the kitchen wall. Brunch with beautiful people that turned into hours of girl talk, catching up on all the events of our lives that happened 'in between times'.

Brunch that turned into late afternoon G&Ts in the living room, waiting for her girls to come back from an afternoon swim at the local pool to ward off the heat of summer.

Brunch that fuelled the body and conversation that fuelled the soul.

From brunch straight onto another home-cooked meal in the company of beautiful people. Dinner that turned into a late evening which we dragged ourselves from with the view of an early morning wake up call for one of us.

Gratefully,
Natasha

The lesson of gaming

I confess to becoming a Sims addict in the space of one day.

I am not normally a gamer, keeping mostly confined to problem solving games such as Myst, Riven and Starship Titanic.

However, there is something quite soothing and addictive in creating a virtual world, and the hustle bustle industriousness of the Sims world. I find it both intriguing and disturbing at the same time.

If I do not feed my Sim, it will die. If I do not tuck it into bed when it's energy is low it will fall on the ground, exhausted. It does what I tell it to do. It combats, steals, prays, preaches, creates potions, makes meals, drinks cider, plants seeds, gathers vegetables, plants and fishes to trade with the merchant for Simoles.

It has been a revelation as I realise I have lost today completing 34 of 42 challenges, and will probably not stop until I have completed all my missions.

As I forcibly stop myself for a period of reflection, I wonder what this says about me. I focus to the point of ignoring all else. This can be seen in my personal and professional life. It is both amusing and frustrating to those around me at once.

Gaming is an interesting way to learn about oneself.

Anyway. Back to my quests.

Gratefully,
Natasha

She flies through the air, with the greatest of ease

Day 3 of the new year and with it came a physical challenge that I was not quite anticipating. I am not sure why I chose trapeze lessons for Christmas gift potentials, but it looked like something that would be a) different, b) an experience and c) a 'doing' gift rather than a 'having' gift. These criteria are important to me, as I already have enough 'stuff n fings' in my life.

However, I was not expecting my 40 years to present themselves quite so mercilessly as they did today.

We lined up with the 6, 7 and 8 year olds. We lined up with the 20-somethings. We stood out like two sore thumbs in both age, flexibility and stamina.

My weight is definitely not yet currently suitable for hanging onto a bar, trying to swing upwards using whatever little core body strength I have, and attempting to gracelessly push my feet between my hands, and thence hang by my knees from the bar, as I arch my back and reach back towards a theoretical 'catcher'.

I recall being so able to do this trick as a youngster, it would have seemed laughable to me that someone could not do this trick! Today my body betrayed me, and it was all I could do to hang there, swinging by my trembling arms.

But the trick of today was not to run, embarrassed from my form. It was to conquer the fear of the unknown. It was to face the heights, to face the fear of letting go, to face my trust issues of having someone hold me as I leaned out with my full body weight over a very small ledge.... and.... step.... off.... on the command "HEP!"

I stepped off.... I did not complete the trick.... I swung once, twice, three times, then let go of the bar. Dropping to the net like a sack of potatoes, and then somersaulting off the net into the padding below.

Then getting back up and doing it all over again. Twice.

At least I managed to do the swing three times in total. My hands, chafing. My arms, burning. My legs, trembling. My dignity, bruised, but not broken.

Gratefully,

Natasha