I subscribe to the Daily Om, and this morning's daily email was an amazing reminder of some of the more recent life lessons I have been given. It's always humbling to realise how far you have come in "getting" it and, in hindsight, start to realise some of the reasons why one goes through events that, at the time, seemed so useless and meaningless.
An excerpt from this morning's email which resonates particularly strongly with me:
"One problem with the rescuer model is that the individual can get stuck in the role, always living in crisis mode at the expense of inner peace and personal growth. Until the person resolves their own inner dramas, they play them out in their relationships with others, drawn to those who need them and often unable to acknowledge their own needs or get them met. In the worst-case scenario, they enable the other person’s dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing the rescuer and allow the person to figure it out on their own. However, if the rescuer finds the strength to turn within and face the needy aspects of their own psyche, he or she can become a model of empowerment and a true source of healing in the world."
I recently went through one of those worst-case scenarios, enabling another person's dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing rescuer. I had already been through this before, twice, with this man who was unable to confront the pain he was dealing with in his marriage, and turning to me for emotional support, without actually having to confront his wife with these issues and communicate with her about them. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then as time goes on I started realising what I was doing, and how merely just "being there" as a supportive and sympathetic ear was not doing anything to help either him or myself. We were both losing. And it was hurting everyone. And it was enabling someone else's pain and not letting them learn their own life lessons.
Of course, by that time, emotions run high when you try to extricate yourself from that situation, so it ended very very badly. But it had to end.
Having been there before, and having the perspective now to see exactly what we were both doing, I can see that each time it's been about my own lack of strength and my own emotional neediness for the love that I give out to others. I can see where I need to turn that love and compassion I have for others inwards and give it to myself. Because I so easily fall into the role of rescuer, as I have all my life in all my relationships, with my family, partners, sometimes friends, I can now start to notice the following signs when that pattern plays out, I can also now see past my own stubbornness and accept it when my friends and family tell me that I'm displaying the signs again:
In the past few months (maybe even for a year now I've been building on this one) I have let my barriers down and admitted I am in pain, and that I do have needs. I always thought it was a weakness, but it turns out to be a strength. I've had a lot of help come into my life since acknowledging my pain. Since writing about a key part of that pain and the patterns of extreme rescuer role that I assign for myself over and over again. it's done two things: it's allowed me to face these uncomfortable truths about myself and it's helped me to let the pain go.
An excerpt from this morning's email which resonates particularly strongly with me:
"One problem with the rescuer model is that the individual can get stuck in the role, always living in crisis mode at the expense of inner peace and personal growth. Until the person resolves their own inner dramas, they play them out in their relationships with others, drawn to those who need them and often unable to acknowledge their own needs or get them met. In the worst-case scenario, they enable the other person’s dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing the rescuer and allow the person to figure it out on their own. However, if the rescuer finds the strength to turn within and face the needy aspects of their own psyche, he or she can become a model of empowerment and a true source of healing in the world."
I recently went through one of those worst-case scenarios, enabling another person's dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing rescuer. I had already been through this before, twice, with this man who was unable to confront the pain he was dealing with in his marriage, and turning to me for emotional support, without actually having to confront his wife with these issues and communicate with her about them. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then as time goes on I started realising what I was doing, and how merely just "being there" as a supportive and sympathetic ear was not doing anything to help either him or myself. We were both losing. And it was hurting everyone. And it was enabling someone else's pain and not letting them learn their own life lessons.
Of course, by that time, emotions run high when you try to extricate yourself from that situation, so it ended very very badly. But it had to end.
Having been there before, and having the perspective now to see exactly what we were both doing, I can see that each time it's been about my own lack of strength and my own emotional neediness for the love that I give out to others. I can see where I need to turn that love and compassion I have for others inwards and give it to myself. Because I so easily fall into the role of rescuer, as I have all my life in all my relationships, with my family, partners, sometimes friends, I can now start to notice the following signs when that pattern plays out, I can also now see past my own stubbornness and accept it when my friends and family tell me that I'm displaying the signs again:
- burnout from giving
- inner resentment with myself that then eventually turns outwards to the person I am trying to help
- inability to get my own needs met, or even admit that I have needs at all
- unwillingness to open up and be vulnerable
In the past few months (maybe even for a year now I've been building on this one) I have let my barriers down and admitted I am in pain, and that I do have needs. I always thought it was a weakness, but it turns out to be a strength. I've had a lot of help come into my life since acknowledging my pain. Since writing about a key part of that pain and the patterns of extreme rescuer role that I assign for myself over and over again. it's done two things: it's allowed me to face these uncomfortable truths about myself and it's helped me to let the pain go.
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