I am not entirely sure how to position this blog, given I have been searching for the meaning of life for such a long time, so this is going to come across entirely the wrong way... but I have come to a point where I have stopped caring for anything that has no relevance to my immediate present.
I do not know whether this is some kind of epiphany or that it means I've reached some point of absolute calm or balance... I would hazard a guess that I haven't actually, but it does seem to me to be the first time in my life that I give not one utter shit about anything that is not directly related to my immediate existence right now.
I have stopped thinking about things, people, places, circumstances, events, dramas, "what ifs", "what coulda, shoulda, woulda's", and a whole host of the normal stuff that has previously run through my brain on a pretty regular basis.
I have stopped focusing on things entirely outside of my control. I don't feel sad, disappointed, regretful, unhappy or dissatisfied with pretty much anything at the moment.
Do not mistake what I am saying, I am nowhere near what I thought I would have, be, do or desire in life. I have not "obtained" what I always thought I wanted. It's just that all that stuff has ceased to hold any meaning for me. I wonder if this is what Eckhart Tolle wrote about in his book "The Power of Now"... where nothing matters except for what we are experiencing right now.
My book contract was signed today, yet I haven't finished it. Normally that sort of thing would send me into a performance-panic... anxiety and doubt would be setting in, the pressure and expectation of the finished product. What will people think? Will they buy it? What will "his" family think? Will it cause a stink? All these thoughts I try to hold onto to see whether they "mean" anything or have any kind of impact to this sort of eerie calm I currently feel inside me.... and they don't. The thoughts simply slip away from me, and I think "all in good time"...
What. The. Hell?
Who have I become? Certainly no-one I recognised previously as me.
I do wonder how long this will last.
The now is all that matters. And right now that is the warmth of my bed, beckoning me to shut my computer up and get some zzzzz's.
I do not know whether this is some kind of epiphany or that it means I've reached some point of absolute calm or balance... I would hazard a guess that I haven't actually, but it does seem to me to be the first time in my life that I give not one utter shit about anything that is not directly related to my immediate existence right now.
I have stopped thinking about things, people, places, circumstances, events, dramas, "what ifs", "what coulda, shoulda, woulda's", and a whole host of the normal stuff that has previously run through my brain on a pretty regular basis.
I have stopped focusing on things entirely outside of my control. I don't feel sad, disappointed, regretful, unhappy or dissatisfied with pretty much anything at the moment.
Do not mistake what I am saying, I am nowhere near what I thought I would have, be, do or desire in life. I have not "obtained" what I always thought I wanted. It's just that all that stuff has ceased to hold any meaning for me. I wonder if this is what Eckhart Tolle wrote about in his book "The Power of Now"... where nothing matters except for what we are experiencing right now.
My book contract was signed today, yet I haven't finished it. Normally that sort of thing would send me into a performance-panic... anxiety and doubt would be setting in, the pressure and expectation of the finished product. What will people think? Will they buy it? What will "his" family think? Will it cause a stink? All these thoughts I try to hold onto to see whether they "mean" anything or have any kind of impact to this sort of eerie calm I currently feel inside me.... and they don't. The thoughts simply slip away from me, and I think "all in good time"...
What. The. Hell?
Who have I become? Certainly no-one I recognised previously as me.
I do wonder how long this will last.
The now is all that matters. And right now that is the warmth of my bed, beckoning me to shut my computer up and get some zzzzz's.
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