Decade

Today marks the 10th anniversary of my former husband's death.

It seems like a lifetime ago, something that happened to somebody else, not me. And yet sometimes it seems like yesterday. I catch myself in a memory, a moment of recognition that this whole "other" life was real. It mattered. He mattered.

He was a beautiful, flawed, individual. Like the rest of us. He battled demons that I still to this day don't fully understand. He didn't survive.

In the decade that has passed I have observed real progress in how we as a society treat and recognise mental illness as a real thing, not just something to be minimised, hidden from polite conversation, seldom mentioned, unless spoken about in hush-hush and guilty tones.

I often wonder, had he survived, whether he would have gone on to thrive and find his niche that he so clearly craved.

I don't suffer the crippling guilt anymore, but I do catch myself feeling sad every so often. He was a good soul. He didn't deserve the pain.

RIP Kevin. I know you are still very missed, to this day.

xxx

Musings on work and life. Striking the balance.

This afternoon following some typical discussion with my wonderful boyfriend who patiently listened to my future plans and dreams, mixed with a liberal dose of angst that the future will all work out the way I'd like it to, and musings aloud for the umpteenth time that my passion has always been storytelling; whether that be my early obsession with the Bill Collins Movie show, late nights watching old movies endlessly with my auntie, or my forays into improv; he finally observed wryly (with a twinkle in his eye)  that I have been unemployed for a day.

It stopped my musings dead in their tracks. Gosh, said I. And performed the necessary calcuations in my head. You're right! It feels like much, much longer in my head. Let me see, my last day in the office was on the 19th, my official final day of employment was the 20th, and yesterday was the 21st.... making it a grand total of.... one day.

Time is a funny thing. Perception can shape it, twist and extend it, or compress and make it move like the last drop of water falling from a closed tap.

He observed me struggling with that term "unemployed" for a few moments more, then asked "When was the last time you were unemployed?"

Again, I did the calculations. Well, said I. After my university degree, it took me some months to get my first full time job. But were you working during that time? Well, yes, I kept working at the family business, and also did waitressing at an Italian restaurant. In fact, on futher reflection, I haven't been unemployed since I was 16, when my holidays were spent helping out in various family businesses when I wasn't attending school or university courses, I was hell bent on ensuring I was fully employed in the pursuit of making a dollar towards my future hopes and dreams of being a fully fledged responsible adult who was 100% independent and making her own way in the world.

It has never stopped. Until yesterday.

How strange does it feel. I have never pursued that term, work life balance, I have always done things 150% right out of the box!

Even my unemployment has been started with the aim of attaining a new life skill in storytelling - screenwriting. I booked this course the day after I resigned. Is this some subconscious drive that cannot abide a moment in time where I am not occupying my brain or being in some way, shape or form? Or could it be just my innate curiosity about life, the universe, everything, that does not allow me to sit still for one moment in time?

I don't care, this doesn't feel like work at all. However, I am hoping my natural drive for employing myself in some kind of work will manifest in a meaningful way that can balance my responsible side with the pursuit of creativity. So it is written, universe. Let's creative this passionate life together!

xx

Hello Uncertainty

Hi there, long time no blog! (geez, have I heard that one before?)

I am 1-day out from the precipice of uncertainty and it feels fucking fantastic!

I have thrown in my lot with chance, fate, kismet. I have finally given myself over to absolute, 100% uncertainty. Me, the most "under control, OCD, planned" person there is!

There is no safety net right now, and it feels glorious!

Even if, in a few weeks' or months' time I take another path within corporate life, for the time being I revel in the pure bliss of the unknown.

I am taking a chance on me, on creativity. I am placing trust into the universe that I will manifest something that is right for me. Tonight I started a screenwriting course that may just be a lark, a fling, a chance to let my free spirit and imagination soar.... but who knows where it may lead.

I am so inspired by the decision to do..... nothing.... for the time being. I really am. Although there is also a part of me that is wondering "how long will this last?" and there is a part of my brain that is catalogue-ing all the possible avenues I have to approach to place boundaries and certainty to this glorious life. I really hope I can stave that impulse off for a little while longer..... I am really enjoying the freedom and irresponsibility for the time being :)

xx