Daily gratitude

I have been putting something back into practice this week that I had forgotten about for a while, focusing on what I have, rather than what I don't have, with the twist that I have been treating myself in the way that I long to be treated by a partner/lover.

A practice in daily gratitude, in other words.

It has really helped me to re-frame how I view my life, which as it turns out, is pretty damn fabulous!

Lately I have felt like I have been missing out on the things that those in relationships have, things like romantic dinners, cuddles, conversations, support, love, etc, etc.

So instead of feeling glum about not having one of those things, each time I've felt the need to do something like that, I've given it to myself as a gift instead. I took myself out to a romantic dinner, and took photos of each scrumptious dish as it arrived, shared it on Twitter, had a bit of a conversation with those that replied, then lost myself in my book, enjoying every single moment and every delightful interaction with the owners of that little family-run restaurant.

I've met new people at Christmas events and given myself the gift of recognising how I was the one they sought out to meet, and how much they enjoyed my company and conversation. Yes, I allowed myself to see that. It was an eye opener. Instead of waiting for a compliment from a partner to point out how my company is enjoyed, I gave that gift to myself.

I can say with total conviction that I feel supported in every way in my life at the moment. And isn't that a fabulous way to feel? Conversely, I feel my support so much more appreciated and gratitude has been my reward.

Seriously? No, I mean SERIOUSLY???

So. Facebook. We all knew what we were getting into, surely?

We were NOT being asked to fork over our hard earned, and even though guarantees were made about our privacy *snigger*, should we REALLY have been so naive as to imagine that the social networking site (amongst others) was NOT ever going to use the masses of data we willingly and ovine-ly (that's sheep-like) turned over in gazillo-Bytes to Mr Zuckerberg and Co?

I mean. Come ON.

And now, the public hue and cry goes out. Latest news article here, in which, and I quote the article verbatim (although I don't know whether this quotes the hapless US congressmen verbatim {I mean, what we read in this day and age is never going to be 100% accurate with no bias whatsoever})

"... two US congressman ... argu[ed] in a latter (sic) that when users log out of Facebook they are under the impression that Facebook is no longer monitoring their activities and “this impression should be reality”

I mean..... SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?

Are we so naive to think that if we have an impression of "the way the world works" that the world should magically re-engineer itself to suit our "reality"?

Am I on a planet of my own to think this attitude is particularly naive?

I mean, let's apply that principle to something else.

I am under the impression that I am a good person, and that shitty things should not happen to me, and "this impression should be reality".

Nope. Kinda doesn't work, does it.

How about this.

The 16th Century Church was under the impression that the Earth was the most important thing in the Universe, as we were created by God, and so the Sun should revolve around us, rather than the other way around like some pesky man called Galileo kept insisting, and hence Galileo should be excommunicated placed under house arrest in order that "this impression should be reality".

Ahhhhhh now I see the flaw in this assumption we have all been carrying around - that Facebook exists for OUR convenience, and not the other way around.

Windows to the soul

I was just reading this lovely post The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul from one of my favourite websites The Daily Love and I realised something uncomfortable about myself.

I don't make prolonged eye contact with anyone. Not even friends or family. Sure, I look into people's eyes, but only briefly and sporadically while holding a conversation with them. Certainly never in silence. Certainly never to connect deeply and meaningfully.

I find eye contact very very unnerving. You could say I have had a gutful of keeping my heart open, because of the sheer volume of times it has been torn in moments of extreme vulnerability. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this makes me anything special, I know every single person on the planet has probably the same feeling as me in this regard.

But I am ashamed to realise that I have allowed this to stop me from connecting with even those that I love and trust and who haven't hurt me.

Even thinking about doing this, even as an experiment as Samantha has, terrifies me.

But I am going to try.

For the upcoming long weekend I am taking myself "away from it all" to a beach location, where I intend to do a lot of meditation, exercise and connection with myself. However, inspired by this blog post, I think I will throw in a little connection with others as well.

Serenity Prayer

I very much need to keep this prayer close at hand right now.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

An exercise in gratitude

I had a thought this morning as I was on the treadmill, waiting for my trainer to make the next half an hour of my life a living hell.... I wasn't looking forward to it, and then suddenly my mind said "Tash, you're going about this the wrong way. You should be grateful that you are here." and an interesting conversation ensued.

Tash's normal inner voice: Huh?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Well, I've noticed you do this a lot. You look at the negative side of the situation rather than focus on the positive.

Tash's normal inner voice: So what should I be doing about the times I feel uncomfortable, lonely or sad? Should I pretend I am not feeling those things?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: No, of course not, you know how badly that goes. You end up suppressing those emotions and getting anxious. But, I have an idea on how you can transform those uncomfortable situations.

Tash's normal inner voice <sarcastically>: This should be good.

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Why not practice a moment of gratitude? When you feel physically uncomfortable from being asked to run longer and faster than you think you are capable of, why not think how grateful you are to be able to run at all. Or grateful that you can run further than last week, and grateful for the changes you can already feel in your body?

Tash's normal inner voice: Will that help?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: It can't hurt, surely. Try it for a week and see how you feel. Oh, and it applies to any situation. For example, when you feel sad that you still are not with 'The One', why not practice gratitude for the time you have been given to focus 100% on yourself, and say a moment of "thanks Universe, for my continued licence to be selfish".... [inner voice winks at this point.... I don't know how it did this, but it did]

Tash's normal inner voice: And what else?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Well, every time you feel overwhelmed at work, or when the day is dragging and you have to do something that has to be done, rather than what you want to do, why not stop and thank the Universe that you have a great job with wonderful bosses and co-workers, in a safe and clean and healthy environment where your life is not being threatened.... you know, things that we all take for granted in our priveleged lives...

Tash's normal inner voice: Oh come on, now you're trying to make me feel guilty...

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Maybe a little.... there is a little bit of demon in every angel on your shoulder and vice versa.... now get off the treadmill and go and do the BEST 30 minute PT session you have done yet!

Tash's normal inner voice: HELL YEAH!!!

Spring cleaning my mind

It occurred to me this week as I seriously geared up my training several notches, that I need a spring clean of my attitude.

I CAN do this.

I have done it before.

I needn't worry that I am not fit enough, because I AM doing it. Right now! I am training 6 times per week, I have a trainer who pushes me 3 times per week, and I do classes where I get pushed even further than I have before.

I have dragged myself to the pool on a wintry cold morning and done my 20 laps. I've already DONE it, so what is stopping me from continuing to do it?

I have a BHSG (big hairy scary goal) in front of me, but I know I can do it, if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other each day, and focus on that day, not the entire 9 weeks ahead of me.

I will be writing up my BHSG on a piece of paper with a picture of how I will look at the end of it (if I can find one of me at the weight I am aiming for...)

I will also be putting up the prize of $5,000 that my gym has on offer for the national winner of the challenge. If the prize of looking and feeling better doesn't motivate me some mornings, I am sure that big ol' bag of money will.....

(Sad, but true)

So..... deep breath (smells the metaphorical jasmine scent in the Spring air)..... let's totally smash this sucker!

Random thoughts

Wow.

Long time since I have been here, huh....

Sorry about that.

Won't let it happen again (I probably will)

So. Here's a thought. Samoa.

Why Samoa?

Because I read a blog, which then had an interesting comment on it by someone who had a blog, so I read her profile, then saw she had multiple blogs, then went to this one and read this post, and it occurs to me.

Samoa.

Why Had I Not Ever Considered This Before?

And if that little tale hasn't caused you to fall in love with the awesome (and random) power of the interwebz, then I have no hope for you.

An update of sorts (not out of sorts)

I have had a lot of people follow up with me individually since I stopped blogging, which is nice. It's a safe bet that when I don't blog, things are going pretty smoothly. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, or so the saying goes... and the same is true of my bloggy thoughts. The squeakier they are, the more attention they get!

So, how is life for Tash these days?

Well, I'm glad you asked, dear reader.

1. The move home

Going brilliantly. Never better. Could not ask for more amazing housemates. While the transition was rather scary and there were more than a few moments where I thought to myself (and sometimes out loud) "what the hell am I doing, I must be crazy!" it all bedded down pretty quickly and has gone from strange-to-comfortable in no time at all.

But all fears aside, the company has done me the world of good, and the savings I will make mean I will be well-able to afford to travel next year at the very earliest.

2. The new job

Going brilliantly. Never better. Could not ask for a more amazing situation. The change in jobs had nothing to do with being unhappy with my previous employers, and everything to do with looking objectively at what my goals were in my career and realising that I needed to move to achieve that. The support I got in my previous company to explore my options was nothing short of brilliant. And, again while I was nervous about having made a mistake, the new job is proving to be exactly what I listed when I wrote down the values I look for in a role.

3. Travel

This has been put on hold for a year. While it will always be an ultimate goal for me, things didn't work out financially as I had hoped with one or two things, and I am being patient as the Universe provides a clearer path there.

4. Life, love and everything else

Well, we shall see what is down the track for me, but everything else seems to be at status quo since I last blogged.

I have decided to get back to meditation, I think that will do me the world of good. I am also focusing on music, and my next step will be to learn the guitar and start writing down some songs in my head.

I have been helping out the family a fair bit, my dad's starting up a car detailing business (anyone need a car makeover?) so putting my entrepreneurial and marketing hat on for him has been fun.

Not to mention getting the family into more healthy eating patterns with my 12WBT nutrition plan! Oh, and getting back to the gym more frequently, that's been another great step for me. Not a consistent step, to be honest, but a step in the right direction.

Well that's all the news that's fit to print!

The distinction between "alone" and "lonely"

Sometimes a blog or a quote will speak to you. Today I read Sam de Brito's blog "Loneliness" and in particular this quote ""the only thing worse than being lonely, is other people knowing you're lonely", and felt like weeping.

I read all the comments as well, because there are so many perspectives on this, given we live in a society that grows increasingly isolated (or so it feels sometimes).

Some of the comments were heartbreaking and very close to the truth that I live right now. It directly relates to my experience of blogging about my lack-of-a-relationship woes and feeling like a failure (both going through it and also blogging about it). As the quote says, the only thing worse than being lonely is others knowing you are lonely, so blogging about it is quite challenging from a personal perspective. I do it because sometimes it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

However, one thing I find interesting is that when I do wear my heart on my sleeve and reveal the scary truth about how sometimes this aspect of my life wears me right down, I find I get a lot of readers of these entries. But........ not many people comment on those entries.

What do I take away from this? A few things. That there are a lot of us with similar feelings (hence these blogs attract a readership). But that not many people want to admit they identify with it (hence not leaving a comment).

Here is my distinction of alone vs loneliness. Being alone is a fact, devoid of emotion or any physical sensation. We often find ourselves alone at home, the gym, shopping, driving, having a coffee, etc etc. It simply means there is noone else physically with you at the time. There is no physical or emotional sensation to it, it's just a state of being.

Loneliness is a state of mind, a feeling and a physical sensation. You can feel lonely in a crowd of people. You can feel lonely with friends and family. You can feel lonely in a relationship. You can feel lonely at the most intimate moment with your partner.

Loneliness is about feeling a lack of connection. Whether that be a friend, family member or partner. I would go so far as to say it is a lack of connection with self, first and foremost. If you deny yourself the ability to open up and share your inner world, it leads to a feeling of isolation and that's when loneliness sets in. It becomes worse when you allow that lack of connection to define your worth and value as a human. I have traced this process so many times I am extremely familiar with its pathways that ultimately lead to depression when you aren't aware you are in its grip.

First comes the thought: "I am not worthy"
Then comes the mental attitude: "Noone knows or understands me or what I am going through"
Then comes one (or both) action: a) pushing people away or not allowing those close to you into your inner world, or b) clinging on desperately to anyone in your path, which has the effect of pushing people away, compounding your initial thought "I am not worthy"
Next comes the physical sensation: Shallow breathing, knot in stomach, weight on upper chest, stress and tension in upper shoulders, fatigue, tears.
Ultimately, depression sets in, becoming a vicious cycle.

Having a relationship is not a cure for loneliness. But during my single years, I have found myself going through the cycle described above much more than when I was in a relationship. I think having a relationship as a starting point feels like you are a lot closer to a "cure" for loneliness than when you feel like you are still in the starting blocks. When I was in a relationship, I must admit I felt validated and worthy that "at least someone loved me, even if not always in the way I'd like to be loved".

This is a big admission to make, as someone who has been extolling the virtues of being independent, self-reliant and working on being "complete" within myself and not "needing" anyone else to complete me. But the blog (and some of the comments) really hit home for me, and pointed to the fact that we are all social creatures that actually do need each other. Yes, we come into this world alone and leave it alone, but being "alone" as I said is a state of being, not a mindset.

We (I) do need others during to help combat loneliness.

Dreams. You gotta have em

Phew!

I had to shut down my blog for a few days. I don't like it when I get melancholy with my blog, and I can recognise when it stops being an effective mood enhancer, and just becomes a venting ground. So I hired a whole bunch of DVDs and lost myself in other fantasy worlds.

I have been thinking about what I get pleasure from in life and imagining it to be true and playing little games with myself with visualisations. It has really helped!

Some of my little moments I dreamed up included:

• setting myself up in a little studio apartment in New York with lovely sunny outlook and a cosy nook to read and write
• meeting someone deliciously lovely who loves the kinds of things I love doing, walking around nowhere in particular, coffee, chilling, talking about nonsense, laughing and enjoying the small delicious strawberry-flavoured moments of life together
• writing a novel and seeing it in hardcover in a bookstore
• writing a screenplay and watching it come to life on film
• wearing a red floral belt-waisted dress, having my hair styled in a gorgeous 50s wave, with  matching blood red lips and nailpolish (anyone recognise a Mad Men moment there?)
• going on a holiday to a remote beach with my sweetheart, walking along the beach and feeling the sand and water beneath our feet
• making a scrumptious feast for friends hosted at a country cottage surrounded by lush green grass, butterflies and birdsong

Are all these things likely to happen? Some are very probable. Others... well let's wait and see. But it did cheer me up immensely to think about them in technocolour fantasy dreamworld!

More thoughts.... such a bleak night, tonight

I'd like to think this long long period of being on my own is good for me. I'd like to believe it's bringing me greater self-awareness and hence a greater ability to love myself, and therefore building within me the ability to give my love to another in a more complete way than I have in the past.

I'd like to think this is true, and that I will meet the "one" for me someday. But right now, it's so difficult to keep the faith.

Right now, I think that is all bollocks. Right now I think this period of being single is forcing me deeper into myself and into a kind of introspective madness. I really have a horrible feeling that I will be alone for the rest of my life, and will shrivel up when my prime has well and truly passed. In my head I can fight with logic that this is not the case. But my emotions are far more powerful than my intellect at the moment.

I feel so terribly alone and lonely tonight. As Carrie from Sex and the City once said "The loneliness is palpable."

The ever present fear....

I have no fear about certain things.... the ability to get a good job.. the ability to lead an independent life.... the ability to look after myself..... the ability to bring myself back from the brink and flourish again.... the ability to take a good hard look at myself and the circumstances I find myself in and re-chart the course of my life to counter the slings and arrows of my life and my actions.....

These things I am not afraid of.

However, the one thing I am afraid of and almost live in the shadow of its presence is that fear of being let down by others.

I can recognise this so much more sharply today as I have been obsessing about relationships and love and support and family and friends. Nobody has let me down in any way. Well, nobody who should mean anything to me, that is. But I live in the constant fear of the presence of feeling let down.

I don't know how to explain it other than I am noticing the shallowness of my breathing, the hard knots in my stomach, and the feeling that I am living on a knife edge when all reality clearly contradicts that I am actually leading quite a priveleged and stress-free life in comparison to a lot of families in Australia who are battling to survive in a very real sense.

I want to understand better why I feel this way so often. Why do I feel so afraid, so alone, so isolated and so anxious?

There has to be a better explanation than past experiences, surely. Is there a chemical issue in my brain? Is there something that I am overlooking?

A thought...

Have you ever thought that if you could only see yourself how others see you, how much more self confidence and assurance you might have in yourself?

I do.

Victory is mine!

As soon as I hit "post" on the last blog, an email came through that shows I catastrophise about nothing for no good reason.

Big thumbs up to the universe... big pat on the back for me. Big hugs to mum. Big hugs to everyone, really.

Big smiles all around.

Catastrophisation and mum. How one obliterated the other.

I am the world's foremost expert in worryworting, dwelling and catastrophising. If there were an Olympic Gold Medal for Catastrophisation, I'd have won the last (divides age by four) NINE consecutive Olympiads.

This is something I have really been trying very very hard to overcome. But on nights like tonight, I am reminded again of my innate talent for taking "what ifs" to their illogical conclusion and imagining that I am, in fact, a big fat loser in the game of life and that's all I will ever be.

And then I talk to someone who snaps me out of it.

Tonight, mum called and was so supportive of what is going on in my life, and listened to my fears and empathised and told me it would all work out for the best. This is not the relationship I remember having with mum, and it's just gone from strength to strength in the last few years, and I wonder whether it was me or her or a little bit of both bending towards the other with more compassion and acceptance.

I am really loving mum, and am appreciating her love a lot more these days. I also loved our chat. I had been worrying about moving home, and worrying that I might not really be welcome there (I KNOW, right?!?). And her call completely blew my worries out of the water. 

Synchronicity. I can haz.

Sometimes I wonder whether I have super powers.

The power of "putting a thought out there" then getting instant results never ceases to amaze me. My friends have often observed that as soon as I make a decision, something immediately happens as a result (seemingly not of my doing). I call this synchronicity.

It has been happening more frequently lately, and I do wonder whether this is the result of having cleared so much of my path to being on the road to who I truly need to be? That maybe my questioning over the last week has been nothing but worry-worting (as I am wont to do...)

Some examples of synchronicity in action for me:

• About a month ago, I started thinking about getting out of Sydney and visiting the Blue Mountains. I started searching for affordable weekend getaways, and that day my best friend from school days emailed me asking whether I'd like to do a city-Leura house swap with them.
• Last week I had a mini meltdown and started thinking about who to call for support. My sister? My mum? That night, mum called me and I had a little cry on her shoulder.
• On Monday I started thinking it was about time I began looking for contract work, as things have not been moving forward for me on the property sales front, and the very next day I started getting help and support in moving towards that path.
• On Monday I found myself thinking about the last guy I dated, and for the first time since calling things off looked him up, but did nothing more about it. That night he called, having mis-dialled but told me he thought "what the hell, let's have a chat", and we did chat. And a lot of issues appear to have been resolved. And we are catching up for coffee.
• Today I started thinking it's time I begin interviewing real estate agents, as I have just agreed on a date to move back to the family home. Just then, an agent I left a message with on Monday called me. Almost to the minute I resolved "it's time to move forward on this".

So, it is interesting to note, not that things are moving forward as a whole, but that the moment I decide to take action on a stepping stone, a pathway is cleared immediately for me to move in that direction.

Thoughts

It's hard to know whether what you are doing is what you really want, or whether it is what people expect of you.

Sometimes I find it hard to spot the difference.

I am at a crossroads and there doesn't appear to be a whole lot of forward movement. Whenever this happens, I worry. I usually get to the end of the waiting plateau, and realise that it was a time of consolidation and that I needn't have worried, but during the waiting game it never feels like that, and the mind does tend to wander.

Sometimes I don't even feel like I should be here. Sometimes I feel like my time to shine is over, but then I meet someone else that shows me I have more to offer, more to give. And so I am currently forcing myself to keep hoping and keep smiling. But it's an effort.

I am hoping that someday soon that question I constantly ask is answered: what is my purpose? Why am I here? What has all these experiences I have gone through ultimately shown me? Why should I keep hoping? What is it all about?

I am in a questioning mode right now.

If you could go anywhere...

One of my favourite games I've always loved playing, which has become more popular in my mind lately (see previous blog), is "If I could go anywhere in the world, where would I go?"

Normally it's on par with the game "if I won Lotto, what would I spend it on?" because you never think you are going to do it. But I am going to do it. As soon as my ship comes in, I will be taking off. And apart from that vague plan, that's about as far as I have gotten in my mind up until now.

I have a lot of destinations I'd love to see and experience, but they are a vague jumble in my mind, a fantasy destination miasma, with little or no thought as to the logistics of putting it all together. And in one sense, I don't want to do that. I don't want some meticulously planned itinerary that has been scheduled down to the enth degree by a travel agent who has no interest in giving me room for adventure.

I tried taking off last year for 3 weeks. Unfortunately the headache of planning my absence, coupled with an insane rise in activity during the time I had organised out of my work schedule, meant I ultimately gave up on the whole shebang and stayed home. Missed opportunities.

Also, when I contacted a travel agent to get some kind of vague plan that would give me the right balance of structure (where would I sleep for the first night of flying into Vientiane, for example) and loose stretches of unstructured time, the task was obviously more than this woman could handle, as she fianlly delivered me a 3-week itinerary with no less than 4 guided tours, an overnight luxury cruise ship ride from Vietnam into Cambodia, and a price tag of $7,300 after I had explained I was interested in backpacker budget scale of activities.

Hmmmmmm.

So this time, I'm doing my own research. Booking my own flights. Giving myself the breathing room once I get to a country to really get the feel of the cobblestones beneath my feet, rather than flying in and out, taking happy snaps and then jumping back on a tour bus!

Here is one website I have been very impressed with so far --> http://www.startbackpacking.com/

I have to wonder, whether a 30-something (and late in the 30s at that) female travelling by herself with a backpack will raise eyebrows. Possibly. Will I care? Probably not.

My mum reminded me when I told her about my hairbrained scheme to leave it all behind, be "irresponsible" (to my mind) and take off with no fixed point of return, that in my final year of uni I was planning to live and study in Paris. In fact, I had even gone so far as to take both the language and college entrance exams at the same time I was finishing up my engineering degree, plus writing a 40,000 word thesis. I missed out on passes by a matter of a few percentage points, and was working and studying that year to make the exam rounds again. Then I met the husband, and life took a sharp turn to the left. Wouldn't trade any of that experience for quids, but my my wise mum had hit the nail on the head -- this adventure has been 15 years in the making!

Goodness me, I recall memorising the capital cities of every country in Europe as a child, and priding myself in knowing where all the countries were! If anyone were born to travel, I'm it!

And here is that list of experiences that's been brewing under my skin and in my mind over the last 15 years of places I'd like to see, and things I'd like to do:

• take a camel trek into the desert of Morocco
• meditate and soak up sunshine in Bali
• visit Capri, Rome, the Blue Grotto and the Vatican city in Italy
• eat pizza in Naples
• see the sights of Prague
• clunk steins at Oktoberfest in Germany
• travel down the Mekong river in a beer tube
• see the ancient ruined temples at Angkor Wat
• see Paris again, city of lights
• speaking of Paris, I never did get into the Louvre, that will be a must
• cinque terra region on the northwest coast of Italy
• visit Bruges, if only for the chocolate
• see the Aurora Borealis
• stay in an ice hotel in Finland
• see the beautiful Halong Bay in Vietnam
• absolutely everything about New York
• check out the improv scene in Chicago
• feel the music scene in Berlin

There are many more cities and experiences than this, but those are the ones that bubble to the top of my mind as I freestyle this blog.

What destinations would you choose to go to "if you could go anywhere..."?

"Stuff" vs "Experiences"

I have come to a crossroads, and have made a decision that hopefully will lead to some pretty interesting times ahead of me.

I have decided to go travelling for an extended period of time, leaving it open-ended as to whether I come home at all or not. Who knows. I have only just decided on the outbound journey, and I'm not going to assume there is going to be an inbound return, as most of the decisions I have made to date just lead to the "next best thing" for me.

But making that decision to take off is both exciting and scary. I look around at the life I have built for myself here, at my "home". I look at the "stuff" I have collected, carefully and deliberately chosen to cultivate the impression of the kind of person that I am. I seem to think I am a funky, yet minimalistic, urbanised inner-city chick. I look around at my "things" and I don't see a lot of experiences or emotional ties. I see things. I see books, movies, CDs, furniture, appliances, and decorative touches. Some of these things have stories attached to them, sure. Like the couch my husband ordered for us that he never got to enjoy. Like the paintings I bought in Leura where I twisted my back getting them out of the pile of other paintings, and had to be hospitalised the following week. The posters I picked up in Paris a lifetime ago, and had mounted at my previous home that travelled here to Surry Hills when I was trying to create a new life and new outlook. Like the Tibetan singing bowl I purchased at the Mind Body Spirit festival last year which I had blessed by a lama. You get the picture.

But, I can't help but feel that even when there is a story attached to a "thing", it's really not worth keeping and holding myself back by storing it for "what if" I come back.

I have to make a decision at some point. Am I going to come back and want to re-establish a home? And if that is so, will I want the comfort and familiarity of the "things" I had once collected and gathered around me. Or will I never come back? Or will I come back and be a different person entirely and want to create a new nest around me... or "us"... if that happens? Or will there be something else entirely to come home to?

My heart says to let go. Let go of all the material possessions I have around me right now. Right down to the clothes, shoes, books, DVDs and CDs that could always and easily be stored in a few boxes at my parents' place. Okay, maybe I won't be that ruthless, but I look at things like my bed, my appliances and my washing machine, and think "why would I want to keep this in storage?"

I ask my heart again, and it tells me once again to let it all go. And fly, fly away.

"Fear and Loathing" begone!

I really wish I had kept some of my old blogs. Not for the fact they were erudite or well-written or wise, or anything like that. In fact, quite the opposite. They were quite often the raw output of a girl who was going through some really rough stuff, and some really transitional periods, and I'd really love to be able to read who that girl was and compare her to the woman I am today.

There was a LOT of fear and loathing in the bad old days.... way too much...

I have been thinking and pondering a lot about fear and loathing, and how it really shapes our lives for the worse, not the better. And I'd also really love to get an insight from myself looking back on my "old" self and see at what point I can actually see that fear and loathing turning into courage and confidence.

I don't like fear and loathing. I have worked very hard to turn it around, and while it's taken a good many years, I wouldn't trade places with any other human being on this planet for anything. I believe that great things are coming into my life, really soon. I really, truly, honestly do.

While I have done a lot of work on myself in the past 6 years, this afternoon has blown my mind. Blown me away completely. I had a 2 hour conversation with a spiritual healer over the phone, during which we went through a complete 100% chakra overhaul maintenance and "repair" work. I was absolutely mindblown as to the level of work I have already been able to achieve given the tools I had at my disposal over the past few years. If I hadn't done the work, I would not have been able to appreciate what we (he) accomplished this afternoon. But it still blows my mind.

And it's not just my mind, we were confirming images, perceptions, feelings and also results without even being in the same room. In my mind, there may be a lot of charlatans who give the psychic and spiritual work industry a pretty poor name, but when you get the "real deal" it completely and utterly blows your mind and lifts you to another level of understanding that can help you put your life events into better perspective and see paths that were previously unknown to you.

The invisible realm is something that gets very little notice or attention and especially no credit by most people as to the influence it has over our lives, our choices, relationships, decisions and attitudes.

My own relationship with the spiritual realm has been pretty hit and miss. But in the past decade, often to my grave doubts, fears and ignorance I gave it pretty much no attention until some pretty ground-shaking events made me sit up and take notice of it. Since then, I have been learning a whole heap of interesting things, and tested them fully myself.

I have flung myself onto these things as a kind of self-assigned guinea pig, as I am a completely 100% rational and scientific being who did a mechanical engineering undergraduate degree.... and I offer myself up to anyone who would like to challenge these things "exist" as someone who went through shite that would have turned most people into gibbering wrecks. You only have to look at where I was 6 years ago, and compare that to now, to see these approaches really do work.

And my experience tonight is that my life is probably about to take a trajectory in the next 6 to 8 weeks that I had not even imagined possible.

I can't wait!

An original poem: Truth

i speak my truth
the truth i seek
my search for truth
is never meek
but if your mood
my truth should pique
i'll leave you to
the lies you tweak
you make them sound
so soft and sleek
but truth is truth
and thus i speak
"my mind's made up
it's never weak
you can go on
to chaos wreak"
"our paths shall part!"
i hear you shriek
i smile, and turn
the other cheek

Natasha Bedingfield - Single

Open letter to Sydney

Dear Sydney,

This is a difficult letter to write. We have been together now for 37 and a half years, and I don't discount that kind of longevity and loyalty lightly. But things have been getting rather difficult for me to continue defending your honour, and you don't seem to be making any real effort to lift your game either.

It started off well enough, we met at Darlinghurst Hospital, now no longer there unfortunately due to the rampant gentrification in that area in the interim decades. That is just one sign of how much our relationship has changed. We spent my formative years together in some lovely, leafy suburbs and I always felt safe and secure in the comfort of your familiarity, watching your landscape change quite dramatically from the back window of my folks mustard yellow combi van as we would visit friends and relatives in far flung places such as Narrabeen, Palm Beach, Hunters Hill, Epping, Gosford, Kellyville, Rooty Hill, Windsor, Parramatta, and the Blue Mountains..... to name a few. Back then, the landscape would actually change from place to place, but now there seems to be a sameness about it all, with short-sighted development of MacMansion suburbs alongside highways cutting through and around you like a concrete petticoat.

Not that I am complaining you have upgraded what used to be one-lane dirt thoroughfares, because without them it would be even more difficult to get around than it already is. Did you know your people are choking? Did you know that the frustration from millions of your inhabitants as they sit in traffic snarls every single day is giving you a really bad rep, or did you already sneak out the back behind the bike sheds for a sneaky fag and to escape detection by the head teacher and weren't paying attention?

One way you have tried is by sprouting bike lanes in the very heart of your city. This would have been great, had it not removed so many trees, parking spaces and sanity from the locals.

Your inner city bars and clubs and live music venues used to be the apple of my eye, but one by one they have fallen prey to "development" and "urbanisation" and the live music venues pressured by falling revenues and cost pressure to close their doors and walk away. Your hip, indie music scene is suffering, Sydney, and we all suffer alongside it.

You used to be a city for the people, and now I wonder who those people are. We are being accused of increasing superficiality, and if it weren't for your spectacular harbour and amazing weather (most of the time, what was with that hot and humid summer, dude, that was Singaporean!) you wouldn't have much to recommend you to visitors when I try to convince them to drop in and share an experience of my town with me.

In short, Sydney, I have given up defending your liveability. I have become a laughing stock, and so have you.

Yours regretfully,
Natasha

Close encounters of the turd kind....

Dear bloggy friends,

I have jumped back into the online dating world with the vague hope that somehow, somewhere, sometime, my prince will come... I've been a lot more relaxed about it this time, no fanfare, no announcements, just schlepped up a profile and crossed fingers.

This whole next exchange illustrates the reason I am 100% certain, despite the fact that people keep encouraging me to get back into "the game", that online dating will not lead me to my man..... names are removed to protect the not-so-innocent... but this is the reason I can't stand online dating and the world of indignity that exists out there, especially when you are someone who is just trying to meet someone real.

This is what I have to deal with.

I received 2 kisses from "Goodtimeguy", and received the following email, cut and pasted in its entirety, no spellchecking or editing:

Hi Natasha

I'd love to meet you as you seem cool,cute and normal!
hate emailing ,usually more happy to talk on the phone and ill answer any and all questions that way,same deal with sitting at pc doing chat all day..boooring!!!!
so regarding my life-
I am 1 Year out of the 4 year relationship from hell and really just looking for fun-intelligent,thought provoking conversation always gets a big thumbs up!
My likes are varied,my profile is the tip of the iceberg as far as interests go , im a real upbeat,happy,funny dude who believes in karma bigtime:)
I am straightforward,not at all shy and confident without being cocky.Love sex,and really looking for some fun with no expectations.If something happens
above and beyond that great,if not all cool also.
Anyway,want to hear way more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My details are [deleted]
xxx M

Here was my response to him (unexpurgated):

Hey M,

Well, to be completely up front and honest with you, I've done the online dating game for about 5 years now, dipped in and out of it as and when the mood has taken me. In that time, I have developed a very good sense of what people really want (in other words I'm great at reading between the lines ;)

So, here's the thing, From your reply it looks like you are looking for some "fun".... I have been 5 years single now, previously was in a 9 year relationship, half of that time married. in the past 5 years I've done the "just looking for fun" thing, and right now I'm really not looking for that anymore. I have spent a lot of time developing my interests, confidence and happiness, and I am completely fulfilled and happy right now as a single woman, but what I am looking for is someone I share a connection with, can take that to a deeper friendship, and then hopefully blossom into a relationship. I am not looking for sex.... I have found I can get that pretty easily if I want, but it really leaves me unfulfilled if it's not preceded by something "real"...... I speak from years of experience here "M"!

So, if you are at a different place, that's fine, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking for a good time while you are exploring your single life after a 4 years relationship from hell.... but I would hazard a guess we may not be in the same space mentally?

Happy to catch up for coffee if you want, but I have heaps of friends I can catch up for coffee with, and that's not what I am looking for ;)

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

Cheers, Natasha 


Here is the email I received back from "M"

i started online dating in 01 so i have 10 years experience....
and yeah was in a rship for 4 yrs until 6 mths ago with someone i met at dancing and i only ever use the net for fun and mates , never really anything serious..
so up to you
x

My response:

Thanks but no thanks.

Good luck in your search :)

Cheers, Natasha

His final response:

628 women later as a sexaholic doubt i need luck but thanks :)

My final response:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!

Is this thing still on?

I assure you, my total and utter lack of bloggy updates is not because I have forgotten I have a blog. I just have had surprisingly little to say of late.

I am waiting on a lot of "other" shoes to drop. And it's starting to wear me down.

I have been trying this new fitness approach out, and while I have been eating better than I ever have before, and REALLY enjoying my meals, I still have not pulled my finger out on the moving my body bits.... and that's making me feel all blubbery and sad.

One day, my bloggy friends, one day I shall be a lean, mean, fighting machine. But that day has not come yet.

Farewell, until I have something more interesting to say!

What a girl wants

I have recently had cause to counsel someone about feeling one way and yet acting in a way opposite to those feelings. I called it "not living authentically".

I want to explore that concept for me. I am about to encounter a few changes in my life, some have already been underway for some time. Others are just beginning. I have been doing life coaching for almost 3 months now, and it has been an inspiration to see how laying values out explicitly and seeing where the gaps are, can be completely transformational.

Even when I am not looking for transformation, it's come looking for me.

What do I actually want out of life, then? I am going to just list things as they occur to me, relying on my right brain "instinctual" side to answer this:

• love
• family
• health
• movement
• travel
• adventure
• authenticity
• emotional stability
• mental stability
• compassion
• understanding
• seeking
• questioning
• excellence
• truth
• beauty
• warmth
• confidence
• humour
• sponteneity
• courage
• conviction
• erudition
• spirituality
• peace
• love

I realise I have repeated love. It's important.

Time, time, time... see what becomes of me

I haven't blogged for a while. My issue, as always, is time.

I'd like to be honest here. I have never had a lot of time to spare. All my life I have been told "Natasha would do much better if she didn't rush."

I've always been in a hurry, always felt time poor, always crammed everything in to maximise what I can do in the time I have available. I am extremely social, with friends who (thankfully) are more often asking me to catch up than not. I have many many interests outside of work, such as my improvising comedy passion, my hobby business (kinesiology), music, theatre, shows amongst other "stuff" in general.

My family is currently undergoing a very stressful time. They are a huge priority for me at the moment, including getting around to seeing extended family members I don't get to see very often.

On top of all that, this gal needs to pay the bills, and she does so with a fairly demanding and brain-intensive job.

Not to mention, my health is a further priority right now, and I am about to start a 12 week body transformation challenge and training schedule in preparation for another triathlon, so early morning training sessions and dietary regimes means that I won't have the energy, time or stamina (as well as inclination) to do the sociable thing of late nights, alcohol-based catch ups and external dining experiences like I used to do...

All of this adds up to one thing. Time is a HUGE premium in my life.

Lately, I have felt like I am letting my friends down. I need to be quite clear that I do understand some feel "neglected". But I want to reassure everyone that I love you all (and am neglecting you all equally, if that's any consolation...)

I can't make any promises about things getting easier. Because I have done that before and felt like I have let people down even more when I couldn't keep that promise.

I need to put this out there loudly and strongly.

I am my own Number One priority right now. 

It's not that I don't want to catch up with  friends or make time for everyone, or that I am not concerned about people feeling left out of my life at the moment. It's just the way things need to be.

Please be aware that it's too easy for me to feel guilty for putting myself first, and it's something I am going to be more guarded against for the time being.

I love youse all.

xxx

Total "aha" moment!

OMG OMG OMG! I gotta share this "revelation".

You know how I bang on about all my past relationships being less than fulfilling and over all too quickly (hmmmmm *scratches head and thinks a bit about what she just admitted*)?

Well.... here are a few bolts of lightning from my authentic self who has been trying to be heard above the debris and noise that is my "ego". This is the message she [I] relayed to me this morning:

The universe has been protecting you, my dear. Those men were never worthy of you, consider them as your training wheels to give you some practice and to also show you that there are men who are attracted to you, even if for just a moment in time. The universe has been saving your man for you, and boy is he a winner! He has been looking for you as well, he has been learning his own life lessons, and when you are both ready to meet, you will meet and fall in love. You needed to fall in love with yourself first, to really appreciate how wonderful you really are before you were ready to meet him. Cos, guess what, he will love and accept you for exactly who you are. Take heart, because you are on your path, and when you are on your true path, things happen exactly as they ought. Be brave and admit what you really want out of life, and the universe will conspire to make it happen for you.

This message has been bubbling up within me ever since I blogged about my inner dialogue regarding relationships. It burst forth into my consciousness today, a mere 2 days after I created my vision board, which has some pretty impressive goals on it which I never dared breathe to others, let alone admit to myself that I wanted.

It's out there now. I am leaving it up to the universe to show me what it's got. And I'm excited!

Why...

I have been thinking about why I got so hackled up at Unshackled and attitudes that are similar to his... it was a hard thing to really look at my reaction. Because ALWAYS when you react badly to someone or something it's because there is an aspect of yourself being reflected to you which you are not comfortable with.

So, I looked.

And I looked.

And I finally came to the conclusion that my unhappiness with these attitudes stems from a very deep feeling of being "robbed" of my youth and my options for love and happiness by life circumstances and my own poor choices.

While the Sydney women that were tormenting the likes of Mr Unshackled were happily playing the dating field (and creating bitterness in men such as these), I was spending my 20s and early 30s in possibly one of the most difficult relationships I've ever heard of.

I met my husband when I was 23 and freshly out of uni. I had dated a few men (not millions, but enough to know the difference between lust and love), nothing ever serious, and the relationships never lasted more than 3 months. When I met him I "just knew"...  the way "they" always say you know. And I responded with my heart and stayed by him through thick and through thin.

We were together 9 years almost to the day. Married for half that time.  The issues we faced were his undiagnosed Bipolar disorder and psychotic episodes during which time he would leave his gentle, loving Dr Jeckyll nature and turn into Mr Hyde. That wasn't the only issue we (I) had to cope with. His gambling addiction, occasional drug use, employment instability, and deep paranoia (and hence emotional neediness for me and use of emotional blackmail to keep me tied to him) were things that only got worse after I consented to be his wife.

Don't get me wrong. I loved him extremely deeply, enough to overlook these issues for almost a decade. I guess that's why I did everything in my power to help him become the man he so desperately wanted to be, the man he thought I deserved to have. One of the saddest things I heard him say close to the end was "I don't know which personality to pick that will please you the most."

Things got so bad that I started getting panic attacks. And depression. And in my desperation I asked for a separation to give myself breathing room to re-group and to also persuade him to seek professional help for his demons that I couldn't deal with on my own.

He took his life the following week.

I lost the next 3 years to grief so black and complete that I couldn't see my way out. I made extremely poor relationship choices during this time, only complicating my core pain and robbing me of any shred self worth I had left. My only recollection from that time was that it always seems like night. I didn't sleep much, you see.

So, the last 2 years have been the ones where I have felt like my personality of old coming back, along with my ability to choose better romantic partners, as well as a whole heap of life lessons to assist me in choosing someone who can support me as much as I would love to support him.

And when I come across comments that put me in a bucket of women who spent their 20s and early 30s playing games in the dating pool, it really gets my goat.

I feel so robbed of the options I could have had in my 20s for meeting a decent, great guy that I can fall in love with, and who will fall right back atcha with me. All the "good ones" appear to be taken (or gay). And the rest are telling me I'm superficial.

Isn't life crazy sometimes!

CrankyPants Reaction Rant

I read another silly relationship blog again today. But it's not the blog that gets me crankypants. It's comments like these, posted by "Unshackled" who seems to paint ALL Sydney women with the same "superficial" brush. Believe me, this is the stereotype of Sydney women that I am fast becoming sick of reading. I will deal with this rant line by line, because it's gotten my hackles up [no, I don't know what hackles are either, but mine are DEFINITELY up.]


I can't speak for the other males in Sydney, but it seems like the men who want to commit, be monogamous, want to settle down and create a life with a woman are freakin' assed out.
...
[I love how he is not speaking for other males in Sydney, yet is about to describe all single females in Sydney. You think this guy has met us all? Probably not.]
...
I mean, it's all superficial with most of the single female population here in Sydney. 
...
[Yes, Sydney is largely painted as completely superficial. From our glittering harbour to our Mountains of Blue. We get it. However, like every other place on the planet, there is the good and there is the bad. You gotta search out the good, and shake it out from the bad. I've lived in Sydney all my life and have only ever added decent, like-minded, values-driven people to my social circle. It's quite large by now. I figure through this large circle of like-minded people I will eventually find my "Prince". It's a good idea to try doing something similar.]

...
Can I vent further? Well, I am anyway.
...
[Sigh.]
...
If a guy doesn't have washboard abs, a big bank account and the material things, he never "gets the girl". 
... 
[I suspect this means he does not have washboard abs, a big bank account and material things, and is bitter about it. It's called "projection", and it's where we believe that what we find deficient in others MUST be what they find lacking in us. In other words, I would place a large bet that this guy is looking for the same thing in women that is considered "high status" from a man's point of view (slim, long blonde hair, good looking) and is getting frustrated that they are not giving him a chance. He then projects what he is doing onto ALL women and complaining about it. The fact is, most of my married friends (who happen to live in Sydney) say that what attracted them to their partner was their personality. Yep, that's right. Personalities are the most important thing.]

...
Whatever happened to old-fashioned values where a man works hard, treats a woman like a lady and showers her with love and romance gone? Via way of the 8-track and ColecoVision I think.
...
[Those men are a rare breed. I agree with him there, where have those values gone? It's not because women suddenly didn't want them, they seem to be dying out as a supply factor in the economic equation that is Sydney Single Scene.]
...
And then females hang onto that whole "Sex and the City" attitude. That show was THE WORST thing to happen to the single male in the civilized world. 
...
[Right, he just lost whatever credibility he had to start with. Get past the fluff of that show, which was actually "entertainment" not a "documentary" and you will find some genuine questioning about what makes a "real" man and how to find "real" love. One by one, each character finds love with the men who they were not expecting to be their "Ones". A nice message to single women, I thought. The rest was funny and vicarious and mostly about the shoes.]
...
I applaud women for having standards in what they want in life. 
...
[Doesn't really sound like it. SAYING you applaud women and actually living it are two different things.]
...
That's how it should be: don't settle for 2nd best, however, you set the bar WAAAAYYYY too high and the average, great guy who will treat you right doesn't have a chance.
...
[I'm confused. We shouldn't settle for second best, but our best is too high for men like him to jump through? What does that say? Thought about self improvements? And by this, I mean work on the attitude, cos ANY guy that treats us right and is a great guy gets a chance with most real women. Just a pity that I haven't personally come across a great deal that I can vouch for. And sometimes there is just not enough compatibility to continue. Yes, shock horror! Just because you are a great guy and single, doesn't mean that you and the girl you are chasing will have sufficient compatibility to make a long term relationship work!]
...
If I have to be an asshole/dickhead/bad boy/bastard to "get the girl", I think I'll stick to celibacy.
...
[WHOA! Now men who end up committing to women are ALL assholes/dickheads and bad boys? Sorry, I do not see women staying with these men. Again, the married/committed women I know (including me at one stage) went for great guys who treat us right. Sometimes it takes a while to find them. I'm not out there whinging about "all single Sydney men are bastards." Cos they're not. It just takes a while to sift through the chaff to get to the wheat.]

...
Can I get an AMEN? Hello and AMEN, walls.
...
[No, you can't.]
...
Thank you for your time. End of rant.

Note - this guy followed up with yet another whingey post. If he couldn't be trusted to keep his word that his rant ended in the previous comment, I'd wager that's why he (and similar men) is (are) still single and bitter.

The end.

What's the difference between a gay male friend and a male friend who isn't interested in you?

Watching Will and Grace...

What is the difference between having a gay male friend and a male (straight) friend who you are interested in, but isn't interested in you?

Why is it that I can have a friendship with one, but not the other?

Is it because there is no chance in hell of ending up in bed with the former? And that even though there is no real chance of a relationship with the latter, that there is always the real chance they will want to end up in bed with me at some point?

And the fact that this has happened and been the cause of real heartbreak in the past?

But, that aside. What is the real difference?

I'd like to know. Because in fact, there is no real future with either species, but I have had "fun" with both types... there has been heartbreak with both types (if you watch Will and Grace, you will understand what this equates to with the gay best friend... it's not that you harbour hopes of a real romantic relationship, just that often a gal's friendship with her gay best friend can sometimes be SO much more fulfilling and fun and wonderful and diverting than any liaison with a straight male....)

Sigh.

I sometimes cannot work out life. Or the universe. Or anything,

It's enough to drive a girl to atheism!

Relationships: establishing a bigger picture

Anyone who knows me, reads this blog, or even has a casual friendship with me via online social networking sites such as Facebook or Twitter, would know by now of my deep longing to meet 'Mr Right' for a long-term relationship (whatever that should look like). But I have been dating for such a long time (5 and a half years to be exact) that I despair it will ever happen. I had started beliving that maybe I was given just a couple of key chances at a fulfilling long term committed relationship and that I blew them!

But today I read this article in the Sydney Morning Herald Heartbreak helps you find 'the one' and I was heartened to discover instead that all my perceived "failures" in my marriage and in the short-term relationships that have followed since, might be stepping stones to something wonderful. All I have to do is take heed of the lessons I learned, and "put them altogether."

Seems easy, right?

Wrong. I battle countless negative internal programs that have not been made any less strident from having gone through each painful heartbreak. But as I have recently re-discovered, looking closely at the background mental programs that dictate my diet, exericise and financial habits has created a new level of awareness for me and contibuted to better choices I make each and every day. I am not perfect, but I am making better choices.

So perhaps the key to reprogramming my negatives self-beliefs about myself and my ability to meet and create a successful relationship is to reprogram the way I view past failures?

This will be a work in progress blog, because I can't list all the beliefs in the one sitting. When I catch myself in a moment, I will update this blog and choose a more positive way of looking at that mental program. The first few are the ones immediately at the forefront of my mind.

Please be kind, and remember a lot of these are not necessarily logical (for example numbers 4 & 8 are completely contradictory to number 11), but they are there. I am just bringing them into the light to have a good look at them.

1. It's too late, I'm way over the hill now, and men are only interested in 20-something women
2. Men don't like smart, funny women
3. I'm too fat
4. All the men I like don't like me "in that way"
5. Men don't like women who are too independent
6. I'm too abrasive
7. I intimidate men
8. I am not sexy
9. I laugh too loudly
10. I only fall in love with damaged men
11. Men just view me as good for one thing
12. Men will always abandon me (so it's safer to not to allow myself to be vulnerable)
13. I have nothing interesting to say
14. I don't have time
15. He doesn't exist
16. I'm too career focused
17. I'm not worthy of love
18. I'm too analytical

Feeding the soul and the body

I've started a new group called "Mindful Munchers" where members keep each other honest about what we are putting into our gobs each day, swapping helpful tips on keeping cravings at bay, and yummy recipes that meet our nutritional needs.

It's been so helpful and inspiring, more than I had imagined!

I have found that each day I start by planning - what shall I have for breakfast? Pack for lunch and snacks? Defrost for dinner?

And yet, it's also been a lesson in mindfulness in other ways. This evening, as I walked from home from work I arrived at my doorstep to find my local cafe (so local, it's actually in my building!) still open for its opening night of late trading!

The beautiful Italian boys who I have struck up a friendship with over the past 10 or so months encouraged me to dine at their hospitality (I truly am blessed with wonderful people in my life) and I found myself thinking "why the hell not... as long as I make conscious choices I should be fine."

So I had a shower (the humidity means that walking home for 30 minutes leaves me hot and sweating), dressed in a summer frock, put a flower in my hair (I subconsciously prepared myself for an "experience", rather than just simply "food") and sat outside.

Stefano and Luca introduced me to their two friends sitting at the table opposite me, "Umberto" and "Tiulio"... divine names that conjure up exotic conversations just overheard but not understood.

Stefano explained the set up, went through the specials, and although the pastas and bruschettas sounded wonderful, the prawn+avocado salad jumped out at me as the most appropriate choice. In fact, when I examined how I was feeling, I only wanted something light and flavoursome. I was brought a small entree bruschetta with a chicken concoction for starters, which I ate half. I was also brought a small carafe of red wine (did I mention how spoiled I am with amazing friends?)

As I sat and sipped and waited for my salad to arrive, the dusk was falling. I really sat and savoured the moment. I listened to the jazz wafting from the cafe and the Italian boys' conversation. I noticed I was sitting across from the Absinthe Salon, a Parisienne-inspired speciality bar and I also took a new look at the row of Victorian terraces opposite my honey-coloured converted warehouse apartment building (the terraces are actually a red-light destination, and I don't mean a doctor's residence....). I felt the zephyr gently rustling through the liquid amber trees planted on the side of the road.... and thought "I could actually be in Europe right now... how wonderful!"

I ate my salad which was every bit as promising as I had hoped. Stefano hovered anxiously over my final bites, keen to hear my verdict, and pressing me "No really, what did you think?" I felt so special to think that my opinion was considered so important!

Mains now done, I sat and read a little more of my book, overhearing snippets of conversations surrounding me, in the midst of couples and yet feeling ever so happy to be on my own tonight.

I was then brought a sample of the homemade tiramisu. It was lovely and light and wholly appreciated; every single bite. Mindful munching indeed! And mindful joy.

Finally, an espresso was summoned, exactly how I like it. And, then gently pressed for another red wine. That makes 3 glasses in toto. Oh well, who's counting when you are amongst such friends?

Then... belly and soul full of good food and good vibes, I asked for my bill. It amounted to a pittance, their reasoning it was an opening night... I was given profuse "thank you's" for my custom. You heard me correctly. What amazing people. What a night.

My "diet" can stand having such detours IF they are a special one-off. And only if they feed the soul as much as tonight has.

Austen never had this problem

I was watching Sense and Sensibility for the umpteenth time over the holiday break, and two scenes really caught my modern-girl eye.

Scene 1 - The Dashwood women are sitting in the cottage front room, as their "man who does" lugs wood for the fire into the room, all the while chatting about local doings. He casually mentions that he bumped into "Mr and Mrs Ferrars". They all assume he is referring to Edward Ferrars, on whom Elinor Dashwood had been holding onto hope for the entire film, but whose love affair was thwarted by a prior engagement. However, this is a misunderstanding which is not cleared up until the denouement of the film, which leads to a waterfall of emotions that Elinor has been holding for a whole 120 minutes.

Scene 2 - The young, impetuous and beautiful Marianne Dashwood marries the older, but still wealthy, respectable and kind Colonel Brandon, whom she had ealier spurned due to her affections for the dashing yet caddish Willoughby, who marries for money instead of following his heart and love for Marianne. We see Willoughby alone, on his horse high up on the hill as he watches the happy couple celebrating and showering gold coins on the friends and family, then turns away unhappily.

If these two scenes were played out today the level of drama would be lost due to the wealth of information we can now access or deduce from our online connections

For example, the misunderstanding of the first scene would be rendered entirely irrelevant when the youngest daughter, Margaret Dashwood, checked her Facebook to see that Edward Ferrars' relationship had changed from "It's complicated" to "Single". She would then need only follow the links from his friends list to see that "Lucy Steele" is now "married to Robert Ferrars" and the whole ensuing distress felt by Elinor could have been avoided.

The second scene shows Willoughby showing remorse and regret for losing Marianne whom he rejected for stability and wealth, and it shows her to be blissfully ignorant to his distress. If he had a mobile phone, he might have texted that he was thinking of her in that moment, bringing up old wounds for her yet making him feel better to have reached out to his true love. The scene also made me wonder how he had found out she was marrying the Colonel... after all, Marianne didn't have a blog, although in this day and age it would be a safe bet to assume she would have one, being of a somewhat sensitive and over-sharing nature unlike her stoic elder sister.

It also made me realise that having this knowledge makes us sadder, and less able to move on from those who break our hearts, or those hearts that we have broken. Something that, in this day and age of endless Google searches and plethora of information shared in mulititude of places, makes it more and more difficult to actually do, unless you are strong enough to avoid it voluntarily.

But who amongst us has that kind of strength these days? Sheer curiosity alone can be enough to lead you to Google and enter a name that should have long since been relegated to the corridors of memory, and find new and fresh ways of opening those wounds.

Being able to "stalk" old love interests, re-ignite those flames, and rake through the debris of current information is a not good thing. It keeps us welded to the past, and leads us to making silly decisions... we are able to torture ourselves via Twitter, Facebook, blogs.

Even for poor Elinor, who imagined her loved one was forever separated from her, having her misunderstanding cleared up instantly would probably not have lessened her anxiety. There was no guarantee that he was going to pursue for her, after all.

It's probably a good lesson in just accepting the circumstances, that we find ourselves in... and if something is meant to be... it will be!

2011, what are we going to create together?

My last post was about reviewing the year that was.

This post is about what I would like to create in 2011.

As opposed to previous years, I will not be listing "New Year's Resolutions" or lists of what I "want". I will be trying to focus on the journey, on the processes that I would like to create. Situations or feelings or habits that I'd like to form. I would like to avoid looking for an outcome, for setting myself expectations on what I want to "achieve" in the past has only led to stress and anxiety and sadness when "it doesn't happen for me."

Say it with me, folks.... the journey is just as important as the destination. As The Muppets sang in Moving Right Along "getting there is half the fun, come share it with me...."

1. Being present in the moment - starting each day with a 10 or 15 minute simple meditation will help me bring mindfulness into my outlook... whether the day will be challenging or not, focusing on my thoughts, my centre and my breath always creates that space of peace within me

2. Stretch in the morning and every so often throughout my working day - simply stretching my limbs and torso will not only provide physical relief, but help sustain a flexible attitude as well.

3. "Do I really need it?" is what I will be asking myself each time I have a desire to buy something, be that a CD, DVD, impulse food item, or service. I have created a savings goal this year for the first time in a long time, and hitting that goal means sticking to a limit on "pleasure" purchases. I have budgeted for them, but it is not limitless which is how I viewed them in the past.

4. Take time off (related to #3's savings plan) - I will allow myself to take "real" holidays once again. My last trip was in 2007 to Thailand, and over the summer I took myself up the coast for sun, sand and saltwater. It did my soul no end of good. in 2011 I will be taking time off for more distant travel. I deserve time off, and to enjoy it.

5. Truly savour what I eat. I will not view food as restricted or dietary, but I will be mindful once more of what I am eating. I will savour it. I will enjoy it fully. And I will ensure that it fuels my activities in the best possible way.

6. Create more activity in daily life, be it walking to work, getting to the gym 3 times a week, or cycling and swimming on the weekend. I will enjoy how moving makes my body feel strong and flexible again.

7. Be open to love in all forms. Whether that continues to be friendship and extended family, or whether that includes meeting a special someone. Just be open to what life serves me in this arena.

8. Be creative, keep writing, keep performing, keep watching.

9. Smile.

10. Be.