Windows to the soul

I was just reading this lovely post The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul from one of my favourite websites The Daily Love and I realised something uncomfortable about myself.

I don't make prolonged eye contact with anyone. Not even friends or family. Sure, I look into people's eyes, but only briefly and sporadically while holding a conversation with them. Certainly never in silence. Certainly never to connect deeply and meaningfully.

I find eye contact very very unnerving. You could say I have had a gutful of keeping my heart open, because of the sheer volume of times it has been torn in moments of extreme vulnerability. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this makes me anything special, I know every single person on the planet has probably the same feeling as me in this regard.

But I am ashamed to realise that I have allowed this to stop me from connecting with even those that I love and trust and who haven't hurt me.

Even thinking about doing this, even as an experiment as Samantha has, terrifies me.

But I am going to try.

For the upcoming long weekend I am taking myself "away from it all" to a beach location, where I intend to do a lot of meditation, exercise and connection with myself. However, inspired by this blog post, I think I will throw in a little connection with others as well.

Serenity Prayer

I very much need to keep this prayer close at hand right now.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

An exercise in gratitude

I had a thought this morning as I was on the treadmill, waiting for my trainer to make the next half an hour of my life a living hell.... I wasn't looking forward to it, and then suddenly my mind said "Tash, you're going about this the wrong way. You should be grateful that you are here." and an interesting conversation ensued.

Tash's normal inner voice: Huh?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Well, I've noticed you do this a lot. You look at the negative side of the situation rather than focus on the positive.

Tash's normal inner voice: So what should I be doing about the times I feel uncomfortable, lonely or sad? Should I pretend I am not feeling those things?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: No, of course not, you know how badly that goes. You end up suppressing those emotions and getting anxious. But, I have an idea on how you can transform those uncomfortable situations.

Tash's normal inner voice <sarcastically>: This should be good.

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Why not practice a moment of gratitude? When you feel physically uncomfortable from being asked to run longer and faster than you think you are capable of, why not think how grateful you are to be able to run at all. Or grateful that you can run further than last week, and grateful for the changes you can already feel in your body?

Tash's normal inner voice: Will that help?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: It can't hurt, surely. Try it for a week and see how you feel. Oh, and it applies to any situation. For example, when you feel sad that you still are not with 'The One', why not practice gratitude for the time you have been given to focus 100% on yourself, and say a moment of "thanks Universe, for my continued licence to be selfish".... [inner voice winks at this point.... I don't know how it did this, but it did]

Tash's normal inner voice: And what else?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Well, every time you feel overwhelmed at work, or when the day is dragging and you have to do something that has to be done, rather than what you want to do, why not stop and thank the Universe that you have a great job with wonderful bosses and co-workers, in a safe and clean and healthy environment where your life is not being threatened.... you know, things that we all take for granted in our priveleged lives...

Tash's normal inner voice: Oh come on, now you're trying to make me feel guilty...

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Maybe a little.... there is a little bit of demon in every angel on your shoulder and vice versa.... now get off the treadmill and go and do the BEST 30 minute PT session you have done yet!

Tash's normal inner voice: HELL YEAH!!!

Spring cleaning my mind

It occurred to me this week as I seriously geared up my training several notches, that I need a spring clean of my attitude.

I CAN do this.

I have done it before.

I needn't worry that I am not fit enough, because I AM doing it. Right now! I am training 6 times per week, I have a trainer who pushes me 3 times per week, and I do classes where I get pushed even further than I have before.

I have dragged myself to the pool on a wintry cold morning and done my 20 laps. I've already DONE it, so what is stopping me from continuing to do it?

I have a BHSG (big hairy scary goal) in front of me, but I know I can do it, if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other each day, and focus on that day, not the entire 9 weeks ahead of me.

I will be writing up my BHSG on a piece of paper with a picture of how I will look at the end of it (if I can find one of me at the weight I am aiming for...)

I will also be putting up the prize of $5,000 that my gym has on offer for the national winner of the challenge. If the prize of looking and feeling better doesn't motivate me some mornings, I am sure that big ol' bag of money will.....

(Sad, but true)

So..... deep breath (smells the metaphorical jasmine scent in the Spring air)..... let's totally smash this sucker!