Why...

I have been thinking about why I got so hackled up at Unshackled and attitudes that are similar to his... it was a hard thing to really look at my reaction. Because ALWAYS when you react badly to someone or something it's because there is an aspect of yourself being reflected to you which you are not comfortable with.

So, I looked.

And I looked.

And I finally came to the conclusion that my unhappiness with these attitudes stems from a very deep feeling of being "robbed" of my youth and my options for love and happiness by life circumstances and my own poor choices.

While the Sydney women that were tormenting the likes of Mr Unshackled were happily playing the dating field (and creating bitterness in men such as these), I was spending my 20s and early 30s in possibly one of the most difficult relationships I've ever heard of.

I met my husband when I was 23 and freshly out of uni. I had dated a few men (not millions, but enough to know the difference between lust and love), nothing ever serious, and the relationships never lasted more than 3 months. When I met him I "just knew"...  the way "they" always say you know. And I responded with my heart and stayed by him through thick and through thin.

We were together 9 years almost to the day. Married for half that time.  The issues we faced were his undiagnosed Bipolar disorder and psychotic episodes during which time he would leave his gentle, loving Dr Jeckyll nature and turn into Mr Hyde. That wasn't the only issue we (I) had to cope with. His gambling addiction, occasional drug use, employment instability, and deep paranoia (and hence emotional neediness for me and use of emotional blackmail to keep me tied to him) were things that only got worse after I consented to be his wife.

Don't get me wrong. I loved him extremely deeply, enough to overlook these issues for almost a decade. I guess that's why I did everything in my power to help him become the man he so desperately wanted to be, the man he thought I deserved to have. One of the saddest things I heard him say close to the end was "I don't know which personality to pick that will please you the most."

Things got so bad that I started getting panic attacks. And depression. And in my desperation I asked for a separation to give myself breathing room to re-group and to also persuade him to seek professional help for his demons that I couldn't deal with on my own.

He took his life the following week.

I lost the next 3 years to grief so black and complete that I couldn't see my way out. I made extremely poor relationship choices during this time, only complicating my core pain and robbing me of any shred self worth I had left. My only recollection from that time was that it always seems like night. I didn't sleep much, you see.

So, the last 2 years have been the ones where I have felt like my personality of old coming back, along with my ability to choose better romantic partners, as well as a whole heap of life lessons to assist me in choosing someone who can support me as much as I would love to support him.

And when I come across comments that put me in a bucket of women who spent their 20s and early 30s playing games in the dating pool, it really gets my goat.

I feel so robbed of the options I could have had in my 20s for meeting a decent, great guy that I can fall in love with, and who will fall right back atcha with me. All the "good ones" appear to be taken (or gay). And the rest are telling me I'm superficial.

Isn't life crazy sometimes!