Sometimes a blog or a quote will speak to you. Today I read Sam de Brito's blog "Loneliness" and in particular this quote ""the only thing worse than being lonely, is other people knowing you're lonely", and felt like weeping.
I read all the comments as well, because there are so many perspectives on this, given we live in a society that grows increasingly isolated (or so it feels sometimes).
Some of the comments were heartbreaking and very close to the truth that I live right now. It directly relates to my experience of blogging about my lack-of-a-relationship woes and feeling like a failure (both going through it and also blogging about it). As the quote says, the only thing worse than being lonely is others knowing you are lonely, so blogging about it is quite challenging from a personal perspective. I do it because sometimes it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
However, one thing I find interesting is that when I do wear my heart on my sleeve and reveal the scary truth about how sometimes this aspect of my life wears me right down, I find I get a lot of readers of these entries. But........ not many people comment on those entries.
What do I take away from this? A few things. That there are a lot of us with similar feelings (hence these blogs attract a readership). But that not many people want to admit they identify with it (hence not leaving a comment).
Here is my distinction of alone vs loneliness. Being alone is a fact, devoid of emotion or any physical sensation. We often find ourselves alone at home, the gym, shopping, driving, having a coffee, etc etc. It simply means there is noone else physically with you at the time. There is no physical or emotional sensation to it, it's just a state of being.
Loneliness is a state of mind, a feeling and a physical sensation. You can feel lonely in a crowd of people. You can feel lonely with friends and family. You can feel lonely in a relationship. You can feel lonely at the most intimate moment with your partner.
Loneliness is about feeling a lack of connection. Whether that be a friend, family member or partner. I would go so far as to say it is a lack of connection with self, first and foremost. If you deny yourself the ability to open up and share your inner world, it leads to a feeling of isolation and that's when loneliness sets in. It becomes worse when you allow that lack of connection to define your worth and value as a human. I have traced this process so many times I am extremely familiar with its pathways that ultimately lead to depression when you aren't aware you are in its grip.
First comes the thought: "I am not worthy"
Then comes the mental attitude: "Noone knows or understands me or what I am going through"
Then comes one (or both) action: a) pushing people away or not allowing those close to you into your inner world, or b) clinging on desperately to anyone in your path, which has the effect of pushing people away, compounding your initial thought "I am not worthy"
Next comes the physical sensation: Shallow breathing, knot in stomach, weight on upper chest, stress and tension in upper shoulders, fatigue, tears.
Ultimately, depression sets in, becoming a vicious cycle.
Having a relationship is not a cure for loneliness. But during my single years, I have found myself going through the cycle described above much more than when I was in a relationship. I think having a relationship as a starting point feels like you are a lot closer to a "cure" for loneliness than when you feel like you are still in the starting blocks. When I was in a relationship, I must admit I felt validated and worthy that "at least someone loved me, even if not always in the way I'd like to be loved".
This is a big admission to make, as someone who has been extolling the virtues of being independent, self-reliant and working on being "complete" within myself and not "needing" anyone else to complete me. But the blog (and some of the comments) really hit home for me, and pointed to the fact that we are all social creatures that actually do need each other. Yes, we come into this world alone and leave it alone, but being "alone" as I said is a state of being, not a mindset.
We (I) do need others during to help combat loneliness.
I read all the comments as well, because there are so many perspectives on this, given we live in a society that grows increasingly isolated (or so it feels sometimes).
Some of the comments were heartbreaking and very close to the truth that I live right now. It directly relates to my experience of blogging about my lack-of-a-relationship woes and feeling like a failure (both going through it and also blogging about it). As the quote says, the only thing worse than being lonely is others knowing you are lonely, so blogging about it is quite challenging from a personal perspective. I do it because sometimes it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
However, one thing I find interesting is that when I do wear my heart on my sleeve and reveal the scary truth about how sometimes this aspect of my life wears me right down, I find I get a lot of readers of these entries. But........ not many people comment on those entries.
What do I take away from this? A few things. That there are a lot of us with similar feelings (hence these blogs attract a readership). But that not many people want to admit they identify with it (hence not leaving a comment).
Here is my distinction of alone vs loneliness. Being alone is a fact, devoid of emotion or any physical sensation. We often find ourselves alone at home, the gym, shopping, driving, having a coffee, etc etc. It simply means there is noone else physically with you at the time. There is no physical or emotional sensation to it, it's just a state of being.
Loneliness is a state of mind, a feeling and a physical sensation. You can feel lonely in a crowd of people. You can feel lonely with friends and family. You can feel lonely in a relationship. You can feel lonely at the most intimate moment with your partner.
Loneliness is about feeling a lack of connection. Whether that be a friend, family member or partner. I would go so far as to say it is a lack of connection with self, first and foremost. If you deny yourself the ability to open up and share your inner world, it leads to a feeling of isolation and that's when loneliness sets in. It becomes worse when you allow that lack of connection to define your worth and value as a human. I have traced this process so many times I am extremely familiar with its pathways that ultimately lead to depression when you aren't aware you are in its grip.
First comes the thought: "I am not worthy"
Then comes the mental attitude: "Noone knows or understands me or what I am going through"
Then comes one (or both) action: a) pushing people away or not allowing those close to you into your inner world, or b) clinging on desperately to anyone in your path, which has the effect of pushing people away, compounding your initial thought "I am not worthy"
Next comes the physical sensation: Shallow breathing, knot in stomach, weight on upper chest, stress and tension in upper shoulders, fatigue, tears.
Ultimately, depression sets in, becoming a vicious cycle.
Having a relationship is not a cure for loneliness. But during my single years, I have found myself going through the cycle described above much more than when I was in a relationship. I think having a relationship as a starting point feels like you are a lot closer to a "cure" for loneliness than when you feel like you are still in the starting blocks. When I was in a relationship, I must admit I felt validated and worthy that "at least someone loved me, even if not always in the way I'd like to be loved".
This is a big admission to make, as someone who has been extolling the virtues of being independent, self-reliant and working on being "complete" within myself and not "needing" anyone else to complete me. But the blog (and some of the comments) really hit home for me, and pointed to the fact that we are all social creatures that actually do need each other. Yes, we come into this world alone and leave it alone, but being "alone" as I said is a state of being, not a mindset.
We (I) do need others during to help combat loneliness.
Great honest blog, Tash.
ReplyDeleteWe all need to 'connect' properly with someone and often we don't even realise that is what we are looking for.
I was recently told about the '5 Languages of Love' book and this quiz here: http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp helps you to establish what is your love language. Quite the eye opener! 5 minutes and I realised where I'd been going wrong ;-) Tan
Tash ,firstly I love your blogs and I admit to reading and not commenting!
ReplyDeleteI think you made a few really great points and I agree that you can certainly be lonely even in a relationship. I myself have felt this way at times and it is very confronting. However, being in a relationship does bring you a sense of being wanted ...I have three sisters and 3 of us are in relationships . My older sister who isn't often gets very upset about feeling like a bit of an outsider. There are times when we are going to events and she is left to sit with one of our parents / step parents rather than sitting with a partner. She is also at a time in her life where her friends are marrying and starting families. She has found this to be difficult and has said that it makes her feel less worthy . Although we ( her sisters ) are supportive and inclusive I know that it still makes her sad.... however I don't ever judge her for being single and I don't assume she is lonely...there are days when I truly envy her freedom and ability to not have to compromise or consider another person 24/7.
just a few thoughts.... :) Hannah.
You're so wise, there is definitely a difference between being alone and being lonely. I find getting older has helped curb the loneliness. There are times when I've been so busy with life that it's a treat to stop, take a breath, and be alone with myself. It's taken me a while to get here though!
ReplyDeleteHi Bronnie, thanks for stopping by, reading and commenting :)
ReplyDelete