I have no fear about certain things.... the ability to get a good job.. the ability to lead an independent life.... the ability to look after myself..... the ability to bring myself back from the brink and flourish again.... the ability to take a good hard look at myself and the circumstances I find myself in and re-chart the course of my life to counter the slings and arrows of my life and my actions.....
These things I am not afraid of.
However, the one thing I am afraid of and almost live in the shadow of its presence is that fear of being let down by others.
I can recognise this so much more sharply today as I have been obsessing about relationships and love and support and family and friends. Nobody has let me down in any way. Well, nobody who should mean anything to me, that is. But I live in the constant fear of the presence of feeling let down.
I don't know how to explain it other than I am noticing the shallowness of my breathing, the hard knots in my stomach, and the feeling that I am living on a knife edge when all reality clearly contradicts that I am actually leading quite a priveleged and stress-free life in comparison to a lot of families in Australia who are battling to survive in a very real sense.
I want to understand better why I feel this way so often. Why do I feel so afraid, so alone, so isolated and so anxious?
There has to be a better explanation than past experiences, surely. Is there a chemical issue in my brain? Is there something that I am overlooking?
These things I am not afraid of.
However, the one thing I am afraid of and almost live in the shadow of its presence is that fear of being let down by others.
I can recognise this so much more sharply today as I have been obsessing about relationships and love and support and family and friends. Nobody has let me down in any way. Well, nobody who should mean anything to me, that is. But I live in the constant fear of the presence of feeling let down.
I don't know how to explain it other than I am noticing the shallowness of my breathing, the hard knots in my stomach, and the feeling that I am living on a knife edge when all reality clearly contradicts that I am actually leading quite a priveleged and stress-free life in comparison to a lot of families in Australia who are battling to survive in a very real sense.
I want to understand better why I feel this way so often. Why do I feel so afraid, so alone, so isolated and so anxious?
There has to be a better explanation than past experiences, surely. Is there a chemical issue in my brain? Is there something that I am overlooking?
Sweetie, I'm not a doctor but it sounds like it's good old anxiety. I get it too and I hate it. Loads of us do, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm around the blogosphere and on twitter. x
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