So, I only recently blogged about having met the perfect guy for me. And you know what, he was. But you also know what? He started saying things that raised red flags. Quite a few of them. Like "we are not involved", and "I am not ready for a relationship" (every single time we spoke), and kept asking my advice about his ex girlfriend and another friend (female who clearly wants to pursue him as a romantic partner). And yet, I wasn't told about some pretty big life changing things that happened to him, until I probed.
Now, I was not in any way pushing for a full-blown relationship, as at this stage in my life that's just not where I am at. However, I did explain at the start that I am looking for "something real". Like love.
And in the last few weeks I have been dealing with a lot of big life stuff (like my grandfather dying, my sister having her fourth baby (yes, you heard correctly - four), getting three assignments done within the space of two weeks to meet a qualification deadline, not to mention the incredibly demanding full-time job I hold down).
This gave me reason to hold off on raising these red flags with him. But I did so, yesterday. I told him how I have been feeling. He said he understood, but that he was not in the same place as me. I said, "fair enough, no hard feelings". He said "but we can still be friends." I said "....". He said "so let me know if you would still like to catch up". I said "I think I'll leave it for a while, thanks."
He said that I do amazing things and that I am wonderful. Which, I kinda agree with.
He said he felt sad. He didn't sound very sad. But, who knows... different people deal with these things in different ways, and he is a very reasonable and understanding person who probably didn't want to make a hard decision harder for me.
I think he understands. And if he doesn't... then he doesn't. I know I have that sad feeling and wonder whether I will meet someone like him, but who actually wants to confide in me when things go pear-shaped, who wants to offer me love and receive my love, and who wants to spend time with me. Someone who actually knows that I tick all of his boxes and grabs the opportunity with both hands.
It's interesting, though, this time this one was pretty near perfect for me. And yet I don't feel like I am the one who messed this up. In fact, I am pretty damn confident that I just made the best decision for myself, one that will (hopefully) mean that I WILL find the right guy out there who makes me feel fabulous. This tells me that, unlike every other time that a relationship hasn't worked out, my self-confidence remains high. That I have not allowed that little negative saboteur voice inside my head tell me it was my fault, and that if only I was someone different they would have stayed.
This time, it's me saying "I am not getting what I need, and no matter how amazing you are, my needs are also important."
Loving the new me.
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