The lesson of gaming

I confess to becoming a Sims addict in the space of one day.

I am not normally a gamer, keeping mostly confined to problem solving games such as Myst, Riven and Starship Titanic.

However, there is something quite soothing and addictive in creating a virtual world, and the hustle bustle industriousness of the Sims world. I find it both intriguing and disturbing at the same time.

If I do not feed my Sim, it will die. If I do not tuck it into bed when it's energy is low it will fall on the ground, exhausted. It does what I tell it to do. It combats, steals, prays, preaches, creates potions, makes meals, drinks cider, plants seeds, gathers vegetables, plants and fishes to trade with the merchant for Simoles.

It has been a revelation as I realise I have lost today completing 34 of 42 challenges, and will probably not stop until I have completed all my missions.

As I forcibly stop myself for a period of reflection, I wonder what this says about me. I focus to the point of ignoring all else. This can be seen in my personal and professional life. It is both amusing and frustrating to those around me at once.

Gaming is an interesting way to learn about oneself.

Anyway. Back to my quests.

Gratefully,
Natasha

She flies through the air, with the greatest of ease

Day 3 of the new year and with it came a physical challenge that I was not quite anticipating. I am not sure why I chose trapeze lessons for Christmas gift potentials, but it looked like something that would be a) different, b) an experience and c) a 'doing' gift rather than a 'having' gift. These criteria are important to me, as I already have enough 'stuff n fings' in my life.

However, I was not expecting my 40 years to present themselves quite so mercilessly as they did today.

We lined up with the 6, 7 and 8 year olds. We lined up with the 20-somethings. We stood out like two sore thumbs in both age, flexibility and stamina.

My weight is definitely not yet currently suitable for hanging onto a bar, trying to swing upwards using whatever little core body strength I have, and attempting to gracelessly push my feet between my hands, and thence hang by my knees from the bar, as I arch my back and reach back towards a theoretical 'catcher'.

I recall being so able to do this trick as a youngster, it would have seemed laughable to me that someone could not do this trick! Today my body betrayed me, and it was all I could do to hang there, swinging by my trembling arms.

But the trick of today was not to run, embarrassed from my form. It was to conquer the fear of the unknown. It was to face the heights, to face the fear of letting go, to face my trust issues of having someone hold me as I leaned out with my full body weight over a very small ledge.... and.... step.... off.... on the command "HEP!"

I stepped off.... I did not complete the trick.... I swung once, twice, three times, then let go of the bar. Dropping to the net like a sack of potatoes, and then somersaulting off the net into the padding below.

Then getting back up and doing it all over again. Twice.

At least I managed to do the swing three times in total. My hands, chafing. My arms, burning. My legs, trembling. My dignity, bruised, but not broken.

Gratefully,

Natasha

A cool breeze blows

Day 2 of the new year and already an item ticked off the goal list. Today's soaring temperature and humidity saw an emergency trip to source a portable air conditioner for my flat.

After years of trying to keep cool with fans, closed blinds and windows, my patience with Sydney's tumultuous temperatures finally snapped. It was time, long overdue, for cooler climes within my apartment.

Luckily the New Year sales are still in full force, and I snapped up the biggest, most powerful unit at a fraction of the cost.

Following the salesman's strict instructions to "wait three hours before turning it on" we filled the water tank, assembled the window kit (using our own makeshift extension for my very tall windows) and with bated breath turned it on.

15 minutes later we can feel the cool air permeate through the living room. It will reach the bedroom on the mezzanine level in the next half hour.

Cool air. After 8 years.

Bliss.

Gratefully,
Natasha

A day of rest to welcome 2014

The modern world can sometimes feel like it demands busy-ness, 24/7. It can feel that by taking a down shift you can lose all momentum in the relentless pursuit of productivity. It can feel like you may 'miss out' if you stop and smell the roses.

In the midst of goal setting for 2014 yesterday it occurred to me that our plan of spending New Year's Day in a state of enforced downtime where we did nothing but watch movies, TV and talk about the future in general and specific terms was one of the best ways to start the year.

It can take time to fully deccelerate. I have watched myself shift from brain-frantic to bored to relaxed, laughing and curious about the world around me once again. It has given me the space needed to fully recharge and solutions have emerged, unbidden and unsought from my present state of relaxation.

Tomorrow we resume our Staycation filled with activities we have been looking forward to doing, people we want to spend time with and restaurants we want to try in our area. However, today has proved to be a wonderful way to usher in the new year, to take the time to enjoy each others' company, and to do absolutely nothing in preparation for a busy year ahead of us.

Gratefully,
Natasha

At the close of 2013

Hey peeps, long time, no blog.

It's been hectic. Crazy. And all that.

After 3 days of couch surfing and not doing terribly much I have finally come to the conclusion that 2013 has been a big year. Massive, in fact. In all areas, in stretching me literally and figuratively!

For starters, I had one of my dearest wishes granted. I spent the year with a funny, honest, crazy-like-me, caring person who really gets me. We broke all the rules in the dating handbook and somehow it works. However, being in a relationship for a year now has taught me a really valuable lesson. While I often thought it would somehow mean the end of my problems as I knew them to be, I have learned that it does nothing of the sort. I am still me, with my same anxieties and hopes and fears, with or without a relationship. Being with someone doesn't automatically make everything unicorns and rainbows... it just means I have someone to share real-life stuff n fings with.

Go figure.

My job has been another huge area of growth. The saying 'When the going gets tough, the tough get going' was really hammered into me this year. I learned how to get real tough real quick while managing multiple projects and teams. Resilience is a muscle that only grows when flexed, and I flexed my resilience muscle a lot this year. I am facing another big year in 2014, so let the chips fall where they may, we are all in for an interesting time!

Health was another area of growth (or should I say shrink), when I finally learned what was holding me back weight-wise. I lost 20kg (put a few kilos back on in the last few weeks of celebrations) but hey, I know what works now so look out 2014, I intend to shrink some more!

I would like to say my outlook has improved, and that I am more positive and calm and zen-like about everything. But the truth is that the more success I attract to my life, the less likely I am to feel successful. Hmmmm, interesting to reflect on why this is. Is it because the weight of success comes with its own fear of hubris? That it couldn't possibly last? That if I took pride in what i have achieved it would attract the inevitable fall? Who knows, all I do know is that I need to continually remind myself that I have earned success, and it has been down to hard work and persistence. and that no-one can take that away from me. Hear that, Tash? Take note!

This blog post is a reflection to force myself to look at what I have achieved and where I have grown in 2013, and to stop and smell the roses. To get my positive mindset squarely focused on 2014, and start with a cheer!

Hip hip hooray! Thanks for the ride, 2013.... looking forward to making your acquaintance, 2014!

What a year brings

Dear world, universe, karma, fate, kismet,

If i ever doubted you, I apologise.

A year and 2 weeks ago I was on the cusp of 3 new adventures.

One expected. One half anticipated, but almost given up on. The final very much unexpected.

I had taken a new job where all my experience to date seemed to point to "all systems go!".

In the past 12 months I have learned so much, been challenged, tested, supported, stretched, excited, forged, fought and conquered. There were times when it all seemed almost too much. I am so grateful to the positive and inspirational people surrounding me who encouraged me to look further than the lesson, who urged me to keep the faith and carry on. I am now a thousand-fold richer in my professional life than ever before.

And still ready for the next adventure, the next "level up"!

I had also answered a personal email from someone who very quickly established their place in my life and heart. Someone who, the day after my 39th birthday reached out to me and rang the gong of my soul. On the very day I felt "okay" being me, myself and I, isn't it ironic that this sounding call was sent.

Since that day, my barriers and fortresses, so carefully constructed have been easily dismantled. With easy laughter, fun, self discovery and "extreme" honesty.

However, a third, entirely unexpected and glorious outcome came when a deeper love, trust and understanding emerged from the move back from familiar dependence to independence. The passing of the family torch moved from childhood to adulthood, and brought with it a compassion and empathy than was ever felt before.

Thank you, universe, karma, fate, kismet..... all the lessons hard fought, hard taught, hard-won... were all worth it in the end.

No doubt, they will continue to prove their weight in gold, despite my understanding of them at the time.

Nostalgia - JUST SAY NO

Is there anything more seductive, and more disappointing, than nostalgia?

It creeps up on you, giving you rose coloured memories, snippets of feelings stirred from deep within, a sense of longing for times long past, times that seem from one's perspective of great distance, to be somehow sunnier, more real, more alive, and more potent than the actual moment one is recalling.

Nostalgia is a bitch. When you are in its grip, it ruins any hope of deep connection with the NOW, that elusive moment where one truly lives. It taps you on the shoulder saying "but if only you were here when you were THERE.... with the people you WERE with.... in the moment you USED to have, fleeting  moment, which you probably didn't truly appreciate even while you were in it...."

Nostalgia can go wash its head in a bucket.

I am planning a trip to Jenolen Caves with my boyfriend.

If you were me, you would understand how fraught that single phrase is.

You would surely appreciate the mix of memories that rise up, unbidden, from childhood, from early adulthood, from mid 20s, from early 30s..... each phase of these memories slapping me in the face, with a fish, Monty Python-style, in the attempt to make me feel like this trip will be somehow lesser, somehow a shadow of the trips of times gone by.

NO NOSTALGIA!

THOU SHALT NOT OWN ME!

BEGONE!

I want to truly enjoy each wonderful, precious NEW moment that I create with my wonderful man.

And so I shall.

:D

Mid-Year Resolution

It's coming up to mid-year.

I need to make a mid-year resolution.

Re-learn how to chillax.

That is all.

Burning the candle trying to hold onto my youth

It's 11.45pm on a Monday night.

I have just finished an episode of Girls, too easily identifying with the main character who lives in a state of perpetual analytical discovery of her world, social circle and self, and I walk to my open window, dancing in the dark to the final song that ends the episode....

... and I realise something...

Looking at the building opposite my apartment whose windows reflect the windows of my building.

No-one else is up. Or... if they are, the curtains are drawn and they are not doing anything so crass as dancing in the open window to the loud music that is more relateable to Gen Y than my own.

What am I doing? Am I relaxing from a 12-hour-plus day at work, trying to capture some of the youth that I still feel within my soul....

Or am I kidding myself, thinking I can relate to this all-night-party-mode world, with limited responsiilities and the promise of an exciting, New-York party-fuelled lifestyle that I never really aspired to but all of a sudden can relate to?

The thought has crossed my mind tonight while watching Hannah (star of Girls) entertain situations "for the story" that my own life has been eerily similar (especially in my 20s). But to aspire to more of the same?

I think I can officially welcome myself to my mid-life crisis!

Welcome, kids, to my crisis! You're invited :)

A year of sobriety - could you do it?

I read with great interest this article by Jill Stark, health writer apparently, who also liked a tipple far too much from the sounds of things. She went a year without alcohol, and labelled it a "declaration of war"

Well, she didn't actually, but she said it was almost like declaring war.

Why is this?

Why are teetotallers expected to toe the line with the drinking fraternity and not the other way around?

My dad is a teetotaller, only because he doesn't like the taste of the stuff. His doctor once prescribed him a "small glass of red wine" to deal with a heart condition, and thought that news would be greeted with shouts of joy. Instead, dad said "is there something else I can take?"

He now has 2 small pieces of good quality dark chocolate a night, and is happy as Larry.

My uncle, also a teetotaller, made this wry observation when asked once too often "why not join us in a wine?", "Why not join me in an orange juice?"

Why not, indeed.

I think a lot about my relationship with alcohol. I think it's a lot better than it used to be. I don't use it as a crutch or as social lubricant. But I often wonder why I drink at all? It's part taste, but also part cultural.

When I am out with friends, it seems downright unsociable not to partake in a glass of wine. At a cocktail bar for a friend's birthday? I would feel uncomfortable ordering a Shirley Temple or any other variety of non-alcoholic beverage.

When alone at home, I will often have a glass (or two) with dinner just to make it feel more like an occasion than just fuelling my body.

I wonder if I would be able to do a year without alcohol.

Could you?