Burning the candle trying to hold onto my youth

It's 11.45pm on a Monday night.

I have just finished an episode of Girls, too easily identifying with the main character who lives in a state of perpetual analytical discovery of her world, social circle and self, and I walk to my open window, dancing in the dark to the final song that ends the episode....

... and I realise something...

Looking at the building opposite my apartment whose windows reflect the windows of my building.

No-one else is up. Or... if they are, the curtains are drawn and they are not doing anything so crass as dancing in the open window to the loud music that is more relateable to Gen Y than my own.

What am I doing? Am I relaxing from a 12-hour-plus day at work, trying to capture some of the youth that I still feel within my soul....

Or am I kidding myself, thinking I can relate to this all-night-party-mode world, with limited responsiilities and the promise of an exciting, New-York party-fuelled lifestyle that I never really aspired to but all of a sudden can relate to?

The thought has crossed my mind tonight while watching Hannah (star of Girls) entertain situations "for the story" that my own life has been eerily similar (especially in my 20s). But to aspire to more of the same?

I think I can officially welcome myself to my mid-life crisis!

Welcome, kids, to my crisis! You're invited :)

A year of sobriety - could you do it?

I read with great interest this article by Jill Stark, health writer apparently, who also liked a tipple far too much from the sounds of things. She went a year without alcohol, and labelled it a "declaration of war"

Well, she didn't actually, but she said it was almost like declaring war.

Why is this?

Why are teetotallers expected to toe the line with the drinking fraternity and not the other way around?

My dad is a teetotaller, only because he doesn't like the taste of the stuff. His doctor once prescribed him a "small glass of red wine" to deal with a heart condition, and thought that news would be greeted with shouts of joy. Instead, dad said "is there something else I can take?"

He now has 2 small pieces of good quality dark chocolate a night, and is happy as Larry.

My uncle, also a teetotaller, made this wry observation when asked once too often "why not join us in a wine?", "Why not join me in an orange juice?"

Why not, indeed.

I think a lot about my relationship with alcohol. I think it's a lot better than it used to be. I don't use it as a crutch or as social lubricant. But I often wonder why I drink at all? It's part taste, but also part cultural.

When I am out with friends, it seems downright unsociable not to partake in a glass of wine. At a cocktail bar for a friend's birthday? I would feel uncomfortable ordering a Shirley Temple or any other variety of non-alcoholic beverage.

When alone at home, I will often have a glass (or two) with dinner just to make it feel more like an occasion than just fuelling my body.

I wonder if I would be able to do a year without alcohol.

Could you?

Natasha's Adventures in Cab-land... A taste of things to come.

I have had a long-standing love-hate relationships with Sydney cab drivers. They love talking to me. I hate getting caught up in these strange conversations with them. When I tell people about the conversations I find myself unwittingly getting into, it sounds like I have made them up, or at least exaggerated.

None of these stories are exaggerated.

They are verbatim.

Thus begins the episodes to be known as "Natasha's Adventures in Cab-land"

Someday I may make something of them, perhaps illustrate some of the more interesting ones.

Who knows. At the moment, it's a bit of fun.

March - my month of money minimalism

Have you ever heard of those "No Spend Challenges"? Well, I am about to do one for a month.

While I whittle away my waistline I have something else that needs fattening up. Between moving out, setting up house and forgoing the income I used to get from renting out my apartment, I have noticed my savings are in dire need of a boost.

So I decided that March is a good time of year to put the kybosh on unneccessary spending.

Here are the rules.

1. Shop for groceries once a week - ONLINE.

As I have a fairly strict eating regime these days and I am not doing any massive entertaining, I have a fairly predictable grocery shopping list. Trouble is, when I shop in person there are always a few "discretionary" items that make their way into my basket ("HEY! Who put that cheese in there?"). I tried out the online shopping experience last week, and it worked perfectly. I shopped directly from my list, I ended up getting a lot more than I actually paid for (I put this down to them wanting to overdeliver rather than face complaints) and I wasn't tempted.

2. Bills get debited directly from my account

This is not a new thing. I am obsessed with tracking where my money goes, and it just makes things a lot easier when you can reconcile your accounts electronically.

3. No cash in my wallet

Say what again? That's right. I am going to get through the month with zero cash. I have my weekly travel card. I have a full tank of petrol if I need to use the car. I make my lunches and snacks. We have a coffee machine at work. What more do I really need?

I worked out that most of my cash purchases happen BECAUSE I have cash at hand. If I am forced to make a conscious decision to purchase something, it has to be necessary.

4. Only drive if I have to

This will be tough psychologically, but it shouldn't be. I only bought my current car because I was living in the suburbs and commuting cross-country. I never used to own a car when I lived in the city. Owning a car makes you very lazy in finding ways to get around. So I am committed to public transport for the month. Only drive when I have to go more than 20km (which includes family visits).

5. Entertainment has to be free

This will tie into some of my other challenges on my bucket list, of things to do in Sydney. I have signed up to "things to do for free in Sydney" websites and lists, and it will be fun to amuse myself this way.

6. Freeze the cards

I am going to literally freeze my debit and credit card in my freezer. They won't be in my wallet at all. If there is a genuine spending emergency (which there rarely is) I will have to wait until they defrost. In which time I bet the emergency will pass.

February - photo a day

February got off to a slow start, I didn't actually take a photo a day for the first week. In fact, I was told that February 7th was the day that New Years Resolutions are in most danger of being abandoned, and it was February 7th when I realised I had abandoned my photo a day challenge.

However, these days I believe in the power of getting up, dusting myself off and continuing without beating myself up whenever I do things "less than perfectly".

So February may have faltered at the start, but finished strong!

Kinda like my philosophy of living these days.

So here are February's offerings, in no particular order!

The current installation in front of the Museum of Contemporary Art. I wish I had stood in the centre of the path so that this was more a front-on shot. However, I am still learning about composition of photographs, so I am sure you will all forgive me! I have since seen some amazing photos using the mirror effect of this sculpture. It gives you that "insignificant ant on the face of our planet" feeling.

This was a pre-dawn shot I captured on Bondi Beach, where my bestie and I did some soft sand walking during our weekly "get up and just effin do it" exercise sessions. While this doesn't have quite the same appeal as one of my sunrise shots, I love that it captures the eerie pre-dawn feel and the yellow of the morning sky is quite ehereal.

I have walked up and down Albion St countless times and never once noticed this heart. It was an apt start to the "month of love", and the first photo I took. The location is a side street next to the NSW Sexual Health Clinic on Albion St, Surry Hills. It appears to be made out of plastic bags, woven into the chain link fence.

This is the obligatory sunrise shot I took on Bondi Beach, the same morning of the earlier pre-dawn photo. There were actually 100s of people on the beach that morning, doing some kind of exercise or other, but I love that this shot has a single walker, looking out at the ocean. It was one of those moments that you blink and miss if you are not ready for it. Shortly afterwards the sun broke over the mountains and the sky lost that wonderful glow that is reflected on the sand.

This is my favourite cheese shop in the world. It has 2 double counter of cheeses, and a staff full of cheese experts (or if not expert yet, enthusiastic!) I have spent over half an hour with a cheese server there and sampled various cheeses until I devise the exact combination of flavours that I am going for. My all time favourite would be Pecorino Tartufo, a white truffle infused hard cheese with a bite to it. Mmmmm delish!

I struggled framing this shot. The iconic fountain at Darling Harbour has probably been captured in a much better frame than this, but at the time we were there I was trying to capture its water ripples and snail-like construction without the kids playing in the centre and the dozens of people milling about its edges, This was the best I could come up with.

Possibly the most self-indulgent shot of February's set of photos, but I love that it is a couple shot without being a traditional couple shot. We were mucking around at Tropfest Film Festival when I tried taking a photo of Ian and noticed my reflection in his glasses, which gave me the original idea. However, it worked better with him reflected in my glasses.

Ahhhh love's reflection ;)

I know this shot shows I am not travelling 1st class... and is one of the sins of "Ten overused Instragram concepts" (along with food porn), but I love this shot. It's so peaceful and pretty. The blue of the sky is endless. And the shot is  damn well composed as well, thank you very much!

Another overused concept, but WHO CARES! PRETTY!!! OH SO PRETTY!!! This was taken on the Coogee to Maroubra section of the Sydney Eastern Beaches Coastal Walk.

Heritage listed stairs in Frog Hollow Park, Surry Hills. This is the park next door to my apartment block, and I hardly ever use the park (or the stairs).  I am going to start doing more of a walking tour of Surry Hills and taking a tour of its Points of Interest that I can find.

These stairs, still at Frog Hollow Park, are not heritage listed, but I just like photos of stair cases. I might make this a theme.

The lone busker at Central Station that I blogged about in "The Unexpected Gift". His music is truly uplifting. He can be found most mornings outside the arches entrance to the station at the intersection of Foveaux and Chalmers Sts just before Eddy Avenue. 

St Marys Cathedral at night is just breathtaking.

Another self indulgent shot taken with my "Retro Camera" application on my phone. It was taken in the dark with the flash on. I like the effect it gives my face, quite illuminating!

The unexpected gift

We all go about our daily business, heads down, steamrolling ahead.

Walking along a busy crowded city street at work rush hour of a morning, being jostled by bodies in a hurry to get to where they are going, eyes unseeing anything than their destination.

Sometimes we are buried so deep that we don't see the elderly lady struggling to cross at a crowded intersection. Or the young teen clumsily wheeling over-sized luggage up and down the steep set of stairs at Central Station.

But just one moment of beauty can cut through the apathy and set a spark in someone's eyes.

A busker, lone and sweet, sat at Central's opening arches played a simple strumming melody that stopped the woman in her tracks. She looked ahead at first, wondering why she had stopped, then down at her phone, ever present in her hand. Checking what had changed.

Her head turned, transfixed by the sound. Magic worked through her as she walked towards the musician, and stood for a few moments. Only a few moments, then turned on her heels back towards the arches, feeling sad she didn't have even a token coin in her purse to express her gratitude.

Fleeting moments, an unexpected gift. Joy. Insight. A window of opportunity to give thanks for things of beauty. A check that these moments of living in the present will never be given to us again.

She stopped again to examine something at her feet. Paused, then stooped to pick it up.

In her hand, the flash of mauve of an Australian five dollar bill.

She turned back towards the musician without hesitation and placed it in his guitar case. He looked up at her, their eyes met, and she breathed a word of gratitude: beautiful.

An unexpected gift for an unexpected gift.

Music feeds the soul

What would my 16 year old self think of my 40 year old self?

Not quite a letter to my 16 year old self, but a twist on that theme. I was wondering over the weekend what my 16 year old self would think of my 39-going-on-40 self if she met me now.

Setting the scene. I was a very academic, studious, conscientious 16 year old who was only just beginning to start flexing her need for independence. I recall asking to attend a party and being told "no, you are too young" and having that inevitable discussion which included such erudite rebuttal points such as "all the other girls my age go to parties" and ending with me making the ever-accurate observation on parental decisions "you're mean!" along with the astute prediction "you're ruining my life."

16-year-old Tash was also just discovering music outside my ever-present classical piano influences and the very hip "Hooked On Classics" and the yodelling songstress Mary Schneider, and was discovering that I was truly, madly, deeply in love with live music.

My tastes had not yet stretched as far as the edgier end of the musical spectrum, with my first live concert being "Bros!" but I was well on my way to the current version of the eclectic music lover you know and love now.

My 16 year old self was quite awkward and self-conscious about her appearance. While "boys" didn't yet hold her attention, she was also acutely aware that she wasn't necessarily a direct target of "boys" either. It was an easy-going relationship for the most part. With a healthy dose of "why would anyone bother?" which possibly made my parents' lives much easier than my more boy-conscious peers.

So what would my 16 year old self think of me now?

I think there would be a fair amount of awe at where I live. I had lived all my life in the suburbs and was a frequent flyer to the city cinema strip most weekends, back when a movie and snacks would only cost $10. I had no reservation watching movies on my own back then, and I would wander through the city like I owned it. I used to crave the city lifestyle, so to see my ultimate dream of living there in a pretty fabulous apartment would make my 16 year old Tash go "wow, I can't wait to grow up!"

My interests, hobbies and outings would also make for an impressive show. She would have been green with envy with the amount of music shows, theatre, festivals and other outings I make each year.

She would not have seen the career path at all, having been wedded to the idea of being a doctor "when I grow up"... however a work experience stint with a GP and an anaesthetist was starting to put doubts in my mind about this conviction. I was still constantly scribbling away in my journal, so the fact I am now an Editorial Director would not be so far out of her conception.

And the "Dear diary" factor of blogging would also generate a nod from her.

She would be very much concerned that she would one day be as large as I am now, she was already self conscious about her weight. I'd like to say that might spark her up to be much more self confident in her body, to hear that she is actually viewed as a bit of a minx in her older age, and that it's just not all that necessary to be a stick thin size 10 to be noticed or worthy of attention. Perhaps it might even make her more relaxed about the whole thing, and stave off the inevitable yo-yo dieting cycle that I started and never got off.

I think we would have different ideas about my appearance - while I know that I still look quite young, to all young people anyone older than 30 appears "old", so we may not see eye to eye on that one!

But these are all superficial things. What do I think my 16 year old self would think about me, my outlook, what wisdom I have to share with her? I hate to say that she would probably have taken it all with a grain of salt and gone ahead and "done it her (my) way" anyways. Atta girl ;)

Would she listen to the difficulties I have been through and taken heart, or would it have discouraged her to love with everything she had? I can't tell, so I probably wouldn't tell her any of that. But my hard won wisdom would be shared, especially the knowledge that mum and dad love her very much and that although she feels so very misunderstood and alone right now, that they will always be there for her, and that she is very lucky to have such a rock solid start in life.

But... most important of all.... she would shake her head in disbelief at the revelation that 39-soon-to-be-40 Tash is a fan of Project Runway..... fashion? Are you for real, old lady?

Pffffft...

Getting my bliss on

Bare Island, La Perouse

Half floating, half swimming so effortlessly with fins propelling my body both relaxed and taut through the slightly pulling tide of Congwong Bay.

Mask down, searching, seeing. Brightly coloured blue striped fish most common. A seahorse! A rocky outcrop featuring countless sea urchins, clinging to its rough edges.

Mind wondering.... "this is a completely self contained world... I shouldn't be here... I am the alien here..."

Hours whiled away, looking in amazement at this underworld landscape.

Snorkelling. Another "tick" on my bucket list. But oh, so much more.

The realisation that this paradise has always been accessible to me, just at the end of Anzac Parade, with a fantasy island setting, used for the making of Mission Impossible II, completing the setting that I am not quite "of" this world, somehow that I am trespassing undetected and at any moment I will be asked to leave.

The gear I had purchased so easily from eBay the weeks prior, giving me access to this place, felt strange. Not quite used to it all yet. But I will be getting very familiar with it.

So easy. And yet it took me so long.

Why?

I guess it's a combination of fear, distraction, apathy. I have always wanted to snorkel, not really understanding why.

After hours of face-down fascination and emerging from the salty water of Bare Island, La Perouse, my body was completely relaxed yet tingling from top to toe. It felt like I had spent hours in deep meditation. I was more blissed out and happy than any other time I can remember.

Will I be doing that again?

You bet your bottom.

Before the snorkel adventure kicked off

Happy Un-Valentines Day Part 2

In my first post on celebrating our first Un-Valentines Day, I shared the results of a hypothetical game called "What 3 television or film characters best describe me".

My picks for the boy:

1. Dory from Finding Nemo.
Because he is cute, enthusiastic, friendly to anyone he meets and forgets almost immediately whatever you have told him the moment before.

2. Taxi Driver -  The scene where he repeats "are you talkin to me", because he is unafraid of confrontation. He knows who he is, has strong opinions about what is wrong and right, and calls others out on their BS when he sees it.

3.  Peter Klaven from I Love You Man
Because he is definitely a "ladies man". He gets along easily with women, is in touch with how emotions work and is so good at empathising with others. He is generous and wise, funny to boot. And is just a tad dorky. And cute.

His picks for me:

1. Bolt - a character that thinks he is larger than life, with superhuman powers, even though he doesn't. I have an annoying habit of thinking I am taller than I really am, and he finds this greatly amusing as I am actually quite short. Nonetheless, I don't let my stature stop me from thinking I rule the world.

2. Marla Singer from Fight Club - because she is her own woman, fully and completely. She is eccentric and in his words "just doesn't care what other people think of her".

3. Sam (Natalie Portman's character) in Garden State - another character that's happy being unusual or quirky. Another strong female character who is completely open to life and its possibilities.

So there you have it!

Happy Un-Valentines Day

I don't "believe" in Valentines Day. I don't like the idea that because there wasn't enough of an excuse to spend money after Christmas and before Mothers Day there is a great big site of expectations weighing the calendar down.

It is a tyrant of a day for singles, another reminder that, if you are looking, love is most certainly off the agenda. It's quite a painful day to watch looming on the agenda, then come and go without so much as a whimper, let alone a bang.

It is a huge weight of expectations for couples, especially blokes, who are expected to on cue produce declarations of love and tokens of affection despite whatever is going on in the relationship.

So I was not at all fazed when my (still brand new, in his original packaging) boyfriend declared he was also uninterested in celebrating Valentines Day in the traditional manner.

Great. Thought I. I don't need to worry about grand gestures. No embarrassing flowers delivered to work amidst the hoots and catcalls of colleagues. No angst about "what if my present isn't as good as his and it looks like I haven't put enough thought into it".

How wrong was I.

We play a lot of hypotheticals. We love these mental games. The question posed a few nights ago was: pick 3 characters from TV or film that embody 3 character traits you see in me.

I picked 3 characters immediately that describes him perfectly. However, he found it harder to come up with characters for me, and so we went off to sleep, and I completely forgot about it the following day.

Until he came home late that evening with a bag under his arm, saying "I don't celebrate Valentines Day but during this month of love, I want to give you something"

He had trawled the aisles of JB Hi Fi looking for the right 3 characters to describe me for hours. He then bought the DVDs for me to watch. He also wanted to make them films I hadn't seen before. I was touched he put that much thought and effort into it. I was also touched by his observation that "there are no strong leading female roles anywhere, they are all supporting roles, and I didn't think that described you".

Bless his heart!

So, do you want to know what characters we picked for each other?

Happy Un-Valentines Day Part II