A letter to my future partner

A friend of mine once asked me to blog a letter to my 16 year old self. I thought a lot about that request, but the energy is just not there to give the task what it deserves. I am normally averse to dwelling too much in the past, a very very strange thing to say given I am in the process of writing my memoirs. But, as a rule, I don't like encouraging it. I am trying to cultivate and foster the habit of living in the "now", for that's where life takes place.

But, it has gotten me thinking about what I used to do a lot - think about and wonder where "the one" is. I spent a lot of time over the past half a decade or so wondering whether it would ever happen for me again. Enough to write a letter to my future partner.

So here goes.

********************************************************************************

It's wonderful to have finally met you. I feel like a gift has been given to me, something that I had once given up on, but worked really hard to believe I was worthy of.

I know that I will love you to the core of my being, because I have a lot of love to give, and I've been waiting for someone like you to be open to that love, care and affection.

I know you are a very special person, because only a very special person could have overcome my resistance to change, to allow me to yield my independence once more, and give myself to interdependence. As lonely as it's been sometimes, my ability to be myself completely and without reserve has been a hard-won struggle for me for a very long time, and I've encountered many false starts along the way that have made me pull my toes back out of the water again. For someone to inspire me to give my heart completely to them, to change my status from "single" to "in a relationship", you must be true, loyal and committed to a life with me. For that I am grateful.

I am grateful for the work you have put into developing a strong character, to be able to stand up for your ideas and opinions. I am grateful you have the ability to have swept me off my feet, to be able to clear away my doubts from the remnants of lovers past that have caught me in their webs and hurt me.

I have thought about you quite often. How you are living your life, what you might be doing or seeing. How your character might have been shaped. I admire the clarity of thoughts that you have, and your ability to debate with me about anything and everything. I love the way you are unafraid to disagree with me, or even to call me on my bullshit occasionally, for I know that occasionally I can be difficult. Something which you no doubt would realise after half an hour in my presence, with my incessant mental gymnastics, especially when I feel open and vulnerable emotionally, the way you make me feel.

I love your sense of humour, the way you can be both serious when needs be, but silly and playful all the other times when seriousness is not called for. It keeps me young and mentally agile to play verbal volleys with you and pit our wits against each other.

I am grateful for your affection and attention, for so many men believe this makes them seem weak and less of a man. For me, this is untrue. I love your ability to melt into me and allow me to melt into you, and our affection, touch and love could never be considered "too much" for each other.

I love your passion, not only for me, but for life. Sometimes I get morose and depressed. My anxieties and worries can get the better of me. I do not ask you to bear any responsibility to "make me better" as I have learned to do this for myself, but I also appreciate the way you can, with just a few positive words, turn a dark day around with a smile.

We all have a tendency to project our weaknesses onto those we love and blame them for the resulting "issues". I am so very grateful for your wisdom and insight in these situations. I don't expect us to never fight, for where's the growth in a life filled with peaceful avoidance of the truth? But I do appreciate that when we do fight, we are fair and never nasty. And that we can both navigate the truth of any situation to its ultimate solution. I love that you are committed to finding solutions with me, rather than simply pointing out the problems.

Finally, I am eternally grateful that I will be falling asleep next to you, and waking up with you, with our arms wrapped around each other, from now until the end of our days.

I feel very blessed to have met you, my best friend, my lover, my partner. I will do my very best to be the best version of myself with you, and I hope that my presence in your life has the same effect for you.

Natasha