Synchronicity. I can haz.

Sometimes I wonder whether I have super powers.

The power of "putting a thought out there" then getting instant results never ceases to amaze me. My friends have often observed that as soon as I make a decision, something immediately happens as a result (seemingly not of my doing). I call this synchronicity.

It has been happening more frequently lately, and I do wonder whether this is the result of having cleared so much of my path to being on the road to who I truly need to be? That maybe my questioning over the last week has been nothing but worry-worting (as I am wont to do...)

Some examples of synchronicity in action for me:

• About a month ago, I started thinking about getting out of Sydney and visiting the Blue Mountains. I started searching for affordable weekend getaways, and that day my best friend from school days emailed me asking whether I'd like to do a city-Leura house swap with them.
• Last week I had a mini meltdown and started thinking about who to call for support. My sister? My mum? That night, mum called me and I had a little cry on her shoulder.
• On Monday I started thinking it was about time I began looking for contract work, as things have not been moving forward for me on the property sales front, and the very next day I started getting help and support in moving towards that path.
• On Monday I found myself thinking about the last guy I dated, and for the first time since calling things off looked him up, but did nothing more about it. That night he called, having mis-dialled but told me he thought "what the hell, let's have a chat", and we did chat. And a lot of issues appear to have been resolved. And we are catching up for coffee.
• Today I started thinking it's time I begin interviewing real estate agents, as I have just agreed on a date to move back to the family home. Just then, an agent I left a message with on Monday called me. Almost to the minute I resolved "it's time to move forward on this".

So, it is interesting to note, not that things are moving forward as a whole, but that the moment I decide to take action on a stepping stone, a pathway is cleared immediately for me to move in that direction.

Thoughts

It's hard to know whether what you are doing is what you really want, or whether it is what people expect of you.

Sometimes I find it hard to spot the difference.

I am at a crossroads and there doesn't appear to be a whole lot of forward movement. Whenever this happens, I worry. I usually get to the end of the waiting plateau, and realise that it was a time of consolidation and that I needn't have worried, but during the waiting game it never feels like that, and the mind does tend to wander.

Sometimes I don't even feel like I should be here. Sometimes I feel like my time to shine is over, but then I meet someone else that shows me I have more to offer, more to give. And so I am currently forcing myself to keep hoping and keep smiling. But it's an effort.

I am hoping that someday soon that question I constantly ask is answered: what is my purpose? Why am I here? What has all these experiences I have gone through ultimately shown me? Why should I keep hoping? What is it all about?

I am in a questioning mode right now.

If you could go anywhere...

One of my favourite games I've always loved playing, which has become more popular in my mind lately (see previous blog), is "If I could go anywhere in the world, where would I go?"

Normally it's on par with the game "if I won Lotto, what would I spend it on?" because you never think you are going to do it. But I am going to do it. As soon as my ship comes in, I will be taking off. And apart from that vague plan, that's about as far as I have gotten in my mind up until now.

I have a lot of destinations I'd love to see and experience, but they are a vague jumble in my mind, a fantasy destination miasma, with little or no thought as to the logistics of putting it all together. And in one sense, I don't want to do that. I don't want some meticulously planned itinerary that has been scheduled down to the enth degree by a travel agent who has no interest in giving me room for adventure.

I tried taking off last year for 3 weeks. Unfortunately the headache of planning my absence, coupled with an insane rise in activity during the time I had organised out of my work schedule, meant I ultimately gave up on the whole shebang and stayed home. Missed opportunities.

Also, when I contacted a travel agent to get some kind of vague plan that would give me the right balance of structure (where would I sleep for the first night of flying into Vientiane, for example) and loose stretches of unstructured time, the task was obviously more than this woman could handle, as she fianlly delivered me a 3-week itinerary with no less than 4 guided tours, an overnight luxury cruise ship ride from Vietnam into Cambodia, and a price tag of $7,300 after I had explained I was interested in backpacker budget scale of activities.

Hmmmmmm.

So this time, I'm doing my own research. Booking my own flights. Giving myself the breathing room once I get to a country to really get the feel of the cobblestones beneath my feet, rather than flying in and out, taking happy snaps and then jumping back on a tour bus!

Here is one website I have been very impressed with so far --> http://www.startbackpacking.com/

I have to wonder, whether a 30-something (and late in the 30s at that) female travelling by herself with a backpack will raise eyebrows. Possibly. Will I care? Probably not.

My mum reminded me when I told her about my hairbrained scheme to leave it all behind, be "irresponsible" (to my mind) and take off with no fixed point of return, that in my final year of uni I was planning to live and study in Paris. In fact, I had even gone so far as to take both the language and college entrance exams at the same time I was finishing up my engineering degree, plus writing a 40,000 word thesis. I missed out on passes by a matter of a few percentage points, and was working and studying that year to make the exam rounds again. Then I met the husband, and life took a sharp turn to the left. Wouldn't trade any of that experience for quids, but my my wise mum had hit the nail on the head -- this adventure has been 15 years in the making!

Goodness me, I recall memorising the capital cities of every country in Europe as a child, and priding myself in knowing where all the countries were! If anyone were born to travel, I'm it!

And here is that list of experiences that's been brewing under my skin and in my mind over the last 15 years of places I'd like to see, and things I'd like to do:

• take a camel trek into the desert of Morocco
• meditate and soak up sunshine in Bali
• visit Capri, Rome, the Blue Grotto and the Vatican city in Italy
• eat pizza in Naples
• see the sights of Prague
• clunk steins at Oktoberfest in Germany
• travel down the Mekong river in a beer tube
• see the ancient ruined temples at Angkor Wat
• see Paris again, city of lights
• speaking of Paris, I never did get into the Louvre, that will be a must
• cinque terra region on the northwest coast of Italy
• visit Bruges, if only for the chocolate
• see the Aurora Borealis
• stay in an ice hotel in Finland
• see the beautiful Halong Bay in Vietnam
• absolutely everything about New York
• check out the improv scene in Chicago
• feel the music scene in Berlin

There are many more cities and experiences than this, but those are the ones that bubble to the top of my mind as I freestyle this blog.

What destinations would you choose to go to "if you could go anywhere..."?

"Stuff" vs "Experiences"

I have come to a crossroads, and have made a decision that hopefully will lead to some pretty interesting times ahead of me.

I have decided to go travelling for an extended period of time, leaving it open-ended as to whether I come home at all or not. Who knows. I have only just decided on the outbound journey, and I'm not going to assume there is going to be an inbound return, as most of the decisions I have made to date just lead to the "next best thing" for me.

But making that decision to take off is both exciting and scary. I look around at the life I have built for myself here, at my "home". I look at the "stuff" I have collected, carefully and deliberately chosen to cultivate the impression of the kind of person that I am. I seem to think I am a funky, yet minimalistic, urbanised inner-city chick. I look around at my "things" and I don't see a lot of experiences or emotional ties. I see things. I see books, movies, CDs, furniture, appliances, and decorative touches. Some of these things have stories attached to them, sure. Like the couch my husband ordered for us that he never got to enjoy. Like the paintings I bought in Leura where I twisted my back getting them out of the pile of other paintings, and had to be hospitalised the following week. The posters I picked up in Paris a lifetime ago, and had mounted at my previous home that travelled here to Surry Hills when I was trying to create a new life and new outlook. Like the Tibetan singing bowl I purchased at the Mind Body Spirit festival last year which I had blessed by a lama. You get the picture.

But, I can't help but feel that even when there is a story attached to a "thing", it's really not worth keeping and holding myself back by storing it for "what if" I come back.

I have to make a decision at some point. Am I going to come back and want to re-establish a home? And if that is so, will I want the comfort and familiarity of the "things" I had once collected and gathered around me. Or will I never come back? Or will I come back and be a different person entirely and want to create a new nest around me... or "us"... if that happens? Or will there be something else entirely to come home to?

My heart says to let go. Let go of all the material possessions I have around me right now. Right down to the clothes, shoes, books, DVDs and CDs that could always and easily be stored in a few boxes at my parents' place. Okay, maybe I won't be that ruthless, but I look at things like my bed, my appliances and my washing machine, and think "why would I want to keep this in storage?"

I ask my heart again, and it tells me once again to let it all go. And fly, fly away.

"Fear and Loathing" begone!

I really wish I had kept some of my old blogs. Not for the fact they were erudite or well-written or wise, or anything like that. In fact, quite the opposite. They were quite often the raw output of a girl who was going through some really rough stuff, and some really transitional periods, and I'd really love to be able to read who that girl was and compare her to the woman I am today.

There was a LOT of fear and loathing in the bad old days.... way too much...

I have been thinking and pondering a lot about fear and loathing, and how it really shapes our lives for the worse, not the better. And I'd also really love to get an insight from myself looking back on my "old" self and see at what point I can actually see that fear and loathing turning into courage and confidence.

I don't like fear and loathing. I have worked very hard to turn it around, and while it's taken a good many years, I wouldn't trade places with any other human being on this planet for anything. I believe that great things are coming into my life, really soon. I really, truly, honestly do.

While I have done a lot of work on myself in the past 6 years, this afternoon has blown my mind. Blown me away completely. I had a 2 hour conversation with a spiritual healer over the phone, during which we went through a complete 100% chakra overhaul maintenance and "repair" work. I was absolutely mindblown as to the level of work I have already been able to achieve given the tools I had at my disposal over the past few years. If I hadn't done the work, I would not have been able to appreciate what we (he) accomplished this afternoon. But it still blows my mind.

And it's not just my mind, we were confirming images, perceptions, feelings and also results without even being in the same room. In my mind, there may be a lot of charlatans who give the psychic and spiritual work industry a pretty poor name, but when you get the "real deal" it completely and utterly blows your mind and lifts you to another level of understanding that can help you put your life events into better perspective and see paths that were previously unknown to you.

The invisible realm is something that gets very little notice or attention and especially no credit by most people as to the influence it has over our lives, our choices, relationships, decisions and attitudes.

My own relationship with the spiritual realm has been pretty hit and miss. But in the past decade, often to my grave doubts, fears and ignorance I gave it pretty much no attention until some pretty ground-shaking events made me sit up and take notice of it. Since then, I have been learning a whole heap of interesting things, and tested them fully myself.

I have flung myself onto these things as a kind of self-assigned guinea pig, as I am a completely 100% rational and scientific being who did a mechanical engineering undergraduate degree.... and I offer myself up to anyone who would like to challenge these things "exist" as someone who went through shite that would have turned most people into gibbering wrecks. You only have to look at where I was 6 years ago, and compare that to now, to see these approaches really do work.

And my experience tonight is that my life is probably about to take a trajectory in the next 6 to 8 weeks that I had not even imagined possible.

I can't wait!

An original poem: Truth

i speak my truth
the truth i seek
my search for truth
is never meek
but if your mood
my truth should pique
i'll leave you to
the lies you tweak
you make them sound
so soft and sleek
but truth is truth
and thus i speak
"my mind's made up
it's never weak
you can go on
to chaos wreak"
"our paths shall part!"
i hear you shriek
i smile, and turn
the other cheek

Natasha Bedingfield - Single

Open letter to Sydney

Dear Sydney,

This is a difficult letter to write. We have been together now for 37 and a half years, and I don't discount that kind of longevity and loyalty lightly. But things have been getting rather difficult for me to continue defending your honour, and you don't seem to be making any real effort to lift your game either.

It started off well enough, we met at Darlinghurst Hospital, now no longer there unfortunately due to the rampant gentrification in that area in the interim decades. That is just one sign of how much our relationship has changed. We spent my formative years together in some lovely, leafy suburbs and I always felt safe and secure in the comfort of your familiarity, watching your landscape change quite dramatically from the back window of my folks mustard yellow combi van as we would visit friends and relatives in far flung places such as Narrabeen, Palm Beach, Hunters Hill, Epping, Gosford, Kellyville, Rooty Hill, Windsor, Parramatta, and the Blue Mountains..... to name a few. Back then, the landscape would actually change from place to place, but now there seems to be a sameness about it all, with short-sighted development of MacMansion suburbs alongside highways cutting through and around you like a concrete petticoat.

Not that I am complaining you have upgraded what used to be one-lane dirt thoroughfares, because without them it would be even more difficult to get around than it already is. Did you know your people are choking? Did you know that the frustration from millions of your inhabitants as they sit in traffic snarls every single day is giving you a really bad rep, or did you already sneak out the back behind the bike sheds for a sneaky fag and to escape detection by the head teacher and weren't paying attention?

One way you have tried is by sprouting bike lanes in the very heart of your city. This would have been great, had it not removed so many trees, parking spaces and sanity from the locals.

Your inner city bars and clubs and live music venues used to be the apple of my eye, but one by one they have fallen prey to "development" and "urbanisation" and the live music venues pressured by falling revenues and cost pressure to close their doors and walk away. Your hip, indie music scene is suffering, Sydney, and we all suffer alongside it.

You used to be a city for the people, and now I wonder who those people are. We are being accused of increasing superficiality, and if it weren't for your spectacular harbour and amazing weather (most of the time, what was with that hot and humid summer, dude, that was Singaporean!) you wouldn't have much to recommend you to visitors when I try to convince them to drop in and share an experience of my town with me.

In short, Sydney, I have given up defending your liveability. I have become a laughing stock, and so have you.

Yours regretfully,
Natasha

Close encounters of the turd kind....

Dear bloggy friends,

I have jumped back into the online dating world with the vague hope that somehow, somewhere, sometime, my prince will come... I've been a lot more relaxed about it this time, no fanfare, no announcements, just schlepped up a profile and crossed fingers.

This whole next exchange illustrates the reason I am 100% certain, despite the fact that people keep encouraging me to get back into "the game", that online dating will not lead me to my man..... names are removed to protect the not-so-innocent... but this is the reason I can't stand online dating and the world of indignity that exists out there, especially when you are someone who is just trying to meet someone real.

This is what I have to deal with.

I received 2 kisses from "Goodtimeguy", and received the following email, cut and pasted in its entirety, no spellchecking or editing:

Hi Natasha

I'd love to meet you as you seem cool,cute and normal!
hate emailing ,usually more happy to talk on the phone and ill answer any and all questions that way,same deal with sitting at pc doing chat all day..boooring!!!!
so regarding my life-
I am 1 Year out of the 4 year relationship from hell and really just looking for fun-intelligent,thought provoking conversation always gets a big thumbs up!
My likes are varied,my profile is the tip of the iceberg as far as interests go , im a real upbeat,happy,funny dude who believes in karma bigtime:)
I am straightforward,not at all shy and confident without being cocky.Love sex,and really looking for some fun with no expectations.If something happens
above and beyond that great,if not all cool also.
Anyway,want to hear way more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My details are [deleted]
xxx M

Here was my response to him (unexpurgated):

Hey M,

Well, to be completely up front and honest with you, I've done the online dating game for about 5 years now, dipped in and out of it as and when the mood has taken me. In that time, I have developed a very good sense of what people really want (in other words I'm great at reading between the lines ;)

So, here's the thing, From your reply it looks like you are looking for some "fun".... I have been 5 years single now, previously was in a 9 year relationship, half of that time married. in the past 5 years I've done the "just looking for fun" thing, and right now I'm really not looking for that anymore. I have spent a lot of time developing my interests, confidence and happiness, and I am completely fulfilled and happy right now as a single woman, but what I am looking for is someone I share a connection with, can take that to a deeper friendship, and then hopefully blossom into a relationship. I am not looking for sex.... I have found I can get that pretty easily if I want, but it really leaves me unfulfilled if it's not preceded by something "real"...... I speak from years of experience here "M"!

So, if you are at a different place, that's fine, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking for a good time while you are exploring your single life after a 4 years relationship from hell.... but I would hazard a guess we may not be in the same space mentally?

Happy to catch up for coffee if you want, but I have heaps of friends I can catch up for coffee with, and that's not what I am looking for ;)

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

Cheers, Natasha 


Here is the email I received back from "M"

i started online dating in 01 so i have 10 years experience....
and yeah was in a rship for 4 yrs until 6 mths ago with someone i met at dancing and i only ever use the net for fun and mates , never really anything serious..
so up to you
x

My response:

Thanks but no thanks.

Good luck in your search :)

Cheers, Natasha

His final response:

628 women later as a sexaholic doubt i need luck but thanks :)

My final response:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!

Is this thing still on?

I assure you, my total and utter lack of bloggy updates is not because I have forgotten I have a blog. I just have had surprisingly little to say of late.

I am waiting on a lot of "other" shoes to drop. And it's starting to wear me down.

I have been trying this new fitness approach out, and while I have been eating better than I ever have before, and REALLY enjoying my meals, I still have not pulled my finger out on the moving my body bits.... and that's making me feel all blubbery and sad.

One day, my bloggy friends, one day I shall be a lean, mean, fighting machine. But that day has not come yet.

Farewell, until I have something more interesting to say!