Mojo facelift

Right, bugger this for a lark, the recent R U OK promotions have given me a new found honesty, and I'm gonna come right out and say it.

I am currently suffering from anxiety and depression. I am struggling with the big fat "why is life worth it" question again of late. I have a lot of negative self-talk going on at the moment, and I am buggered if I know how to deal with it, as it's the same old questions turning over in my head, making me feel worthless as though I am a big fake, defrauding my loved ones into thinking I am this amazing person, when in my own head I am spiralling. I have been here before, I don't want to be here now, and I have limited resources to deal with it when I find myself here, which is why I tend to withdraw from real life and just exist online (Facebook, Twitter, blogging) as it takes less energy to fake it till you make it (in cyberspace, no-one can see you scream).

I don't get this all the time, not even most of the time.

But occasionally, like the last few weeks, Depression will creep up on me like a Ninja, envelop me in its ever-darkening cloak, then keep me submerged with lethargy and apathy until all of a sudden I'm awoken to its presence by its hyperactive twin, Anxiety, who will burst into my room with a shrill cry that sounds like nails down a blackboard, take my heart in both his hands and squeeeeze until I'm breathing from the shallowest part of my chest and my brain goes haywire.

That's where I found myself yesterday, as I sat in my Life Coach's office and cried for the first 10 minutes of our appointment.

I have started seeing a life coach because this rollercoaster of enormous highs and lows in my life has started wearing thin. It's great to get things done while things are going really well, and steamroller ahead putting more things on my plate, and I really do come across to others like I have a Midas touch with everything I do... until I realise I am heading for another trainwreck.

It's times like these when I sit down and re-evaluate everything I have going on, and realise that I have put my health back to the bottom of the list again. Things like eating well, getting enough sleep, moving more than simply walking to the bus stop to and from work each day... it's time to get these things kickstarted again.

Moving => breathing => better headspace

So, I'm gonna walk my Mojo back into town again. But, as "Coach" said yesterday, I am also going to be kind to myself. I'm NOT going to hit myself over the head with a huge training schedule, I am going to pick a few times a week where I can do something physically active, and also plan my daily meals a little better, instead of grabbing toast as I get to work, grabbing takeaway for lunch, in between coffees and sitting down an awful lot while doing a mainly sedentary job, while avoiding drinking my way through a bottle of wine of an evening while watching Project Runway!

Oh yeah, cos lately, that's what it has been like. It ain't a pretty picture.

I also need to brainstorm things that nurture me and strategies for warding off the brooding mentality. Like reading a good book (any recommendations?), scheduling TV time (rather than sitting in front of it all evening like a Zombie), painting my nails, calling a friend, reading a magazine, writing my comedy routine, sipping a cup of herbal tea in a cafe watching the world go by.... the possiblities are endless.

Baby steps. And one day at a time.