Me. Now.

I am not entirely sure how to position this blog, given I have been searching for the meaning of life for such a long time, so this is going to come across entirely the wrong way... but I have come to a point where I have stopped caring for anything that has no relevance to my immediate present.

I do not know whether this is some kind of epiphany or that it means I've reached some point of absolute calm or balance... I would hazard a guess that I haven't actually, but it does seem to me to be the first time in my life that I give not one utter shit about anything that is not directly related to my immediate existence right now.

I have stopped thinking about things, people, places, circumstances, events, dramas, "what ifs", "what coulda, shoulda, woulda's", and a whole host of the normal stuff that has previously run through my brain on a pretty regular basis.

I have stopped focusing on things entirely outside of my control. I don't feel sad, disappointed, regretful, unhappy or dissatisfied with pretty much anything at the moment.

Do not mistake what I am saying, I am nowhere near what I thought I would have, be, do or desire in life. I have not "obtained" what I always thought I wanted. It's just that all that stuff has ceased to hold any meaning for me. I wonder if this is what Eckhart Tolle wrote about in his book "The Power of Now"... where nothing matters except for what we are experiencing right now.

My book contract was signed today, yet I haven't finished it. Normally that sort of thing would send me into a performance-panic... anxiety and doubt would be setting in, the pressure and expectation of the finished product. What will people think? Will they buy it? What will "his" family think? Will it cause a stink? All these thoughts I try to hold onto to see whether they "mean" anything or have any kind of impact to this sort of eerie calm I currently feel inside me.... and they don't. The thoughts simply slip away from me, and I think "all in good time"...

What. The. Hell?

Who have I become? Certainly no-one I recognised previously as me.

I do wonder how long this will last.

The now is all that matters. And right now that is the warmth of my bed, beckoning me to shut my computer up and get some zzzzz's.

On reaching the end of the line

Having finally gotten to the end of the marriage part of my chronicles over the weekend, I've suddenly felt purged of that relationship. I know that the most difficult part of the writing is yet to come, his suicide, my grief, the lost years, the long and painful rebuilding of my life and care factor about living, but I've now reached the end of the marriage itself. It has been like riding that rollercoaster all over again in the past six weeks of so since starting the process, and getting to the end has been an immense relief (as it was the first time around). I feel like I've done the grieving for the actual relationship itself that I was unable to do the first time because I was too busy fighting my grief for the man himself.

I never did this, grieve the loss of the relationship. I felt I didn't need to. Obviously I did.

I have often felt my love and passion was going to waste. What I have found through writing my story is that all that love and passion is now turned inwards.

On strength

I'd like to call out something.... in writing my memoirs, I have been called "strong" a lot. I don't have a problem with being recognised for that, but I feel uncomfortable with the attribution, it's almost like I have a special talent that means I am to be admired for getting through what happened in my marriage.  I have to admit that I don't see it that way at all. I believe I have developed strength from going through it all, and that all these years later I can appreciate the pain somewhat for giving me the ability to write about it.

It's like that with any challenge in life, you either build up strength, or give up. There really is no other choice, and I had no other choice than to get through it or give up. You have to get strong through what life throws at you, or you stop moving forward. Everyone has challenges in life, and that's what we do, we face them and get stronger.

In fact, that was something that I chose to do for a while. I did give up and stopped moving forward altogether. I almost destroyed myself. I was not strong in those moments, and I considered ending it all.

So, please don't give me more credit than is due. I don't have all this strength as a natural resource, anyone who would have walked in my shoes could survive what I have done. It's like going to the gym, you destroy muscle fibres with weights to build up strength and resistance. You get bigger muscles.

It's exactly like that, with life. You face challenges, you feel a little torn up by them when you're going through them, then afterwards you develop emotional strength.

Seeing 'The Search' as a good thing

Giving yourself the space to discover what you like, and more importantly what you don't like, is so important for someone like me, I've come to recognise.

Being an extreme rescuer means I have in the past subverted my own needs and likes and ignored my dislikes to the point that I get into very poor situations and make bad relationship decisions. Taking the time that I have taken to find "the right person" for me has been necessary.

I haven't always seen it this way, and now that I am I can see where others are at a similar stage I was a few years ago, when I thought the increasing length of time it was taking meant I was damaged goods, unworthy, unloveable and unable to partner again.

Now, I have a slightly different outlook. Sure, I still get lonely, and sure I get disappointed when a potential mate turns out to be not quite right for me or vice versa.... but I now have a little voice in the back of my mind that always always says now "it will only take one".

It will only take one. Once I meet him, it will be right, and both of us will feel it. There will be no push-pull. There will be no guilt, angst, drama, or obstacles to overcome. There will be no "test" as I have so often believed there needed to be to prove someone's love for me, and mine for them. It will be easy. We will be curious about each other, but not obsessive. There won't be that niggling gut feeling of nervousness that I usually have when I'm pursuing the wrong man or wrong situation. It will just feel right. We will share values and goals. It won't be a sacrifice for either of us to easily and effortlessly get together. We won't be second guessing ourselves or what others might think.

And if I don't meet him, then obviously the universe has something else, something bigger, and more satisfying in store for me.

I trust.

I believe.

I accept.

Things happen easily, for a reason

How often have we all been in traffic and watched other drivers ducking and weaving through cars, accelerating to make the lights, and in general acting like they haven't a moment to lose?

How often do you notice this behaviour, and smile, and continue at a steady pace, going with the flow, humming a merry tune, taking in the scenery, only to find yourself pulling up alongside Mr Hoon at the end of the road.

One of you has had a pleasant journey to the set of lights you have found yourselves at, the other is highly stressed out and seething.

Well, this is a lot like life. I have tried both approaches, impatiently trying to get to my destination, feeling resentful when the obstacles forcibly slow me down, honking my opinions to the person or people in the way of my end goal. I have been guilty of not admiring the scenery of my life, and where I am in the moment. Going with the flow, I'd scoff. That means not getting there faster.

But where is there?

I used to think there was a combination of my ultimate life goals. I'd be settled in a great relationship. In a job I loved doing. Paid off my debts. I'd have already written one or two books by then. My fantasy residence (always in another country or city) is where I'd be living. I'd be at my goal weight... thin, rich and basically wildly successful...

What a rort, that line of thinking is. And a recipe for discontentment.

So I did a little experiment late last year. I took my foot off the clutch, I stopped changing gears in my attempt to manipulate my life to resemble how I wanted it to be. I stopped racing, racing, racing, and just left the outcome of what I was trying to achieve into the hands of the universe. I stopped being that stressed out driver, hoping to get to the final set of traffic lights faster than the road I was travelling wanted me to.

All of a sudden, things became really easy. The outcome happened and my life is as it is, because that's the way it's meant to be. Easy. I am now the driver who is whistling a little tune along to myself in the drivers seat, picking up the hitchhikers that look like they would be good company along the way, dropping them off when they want to explore the local area as I head back on my journey, looking at the scenery. I feel less stressed, less anxious. And above all I feel at peace that the road will get me to where I am going.... eventually.

Here is what matters. Now is what we are experiencing. Take your foot off that clutch! Stop trying to change gears, you will guzzle more petrol and end up at your destination tired and ragged.

And that's not much fun, cos there's a party at the end, so you may as well enjoy getting there.

Acknowledging pain

I subscribe to the Daily Om, and this morning's daily email was an amazing reminder of some of the more recent life lessons I have been given. It's always humbling to realise how far you have come in "getting" it and, in hindsight, start to realise some of the reasons why one goes through events that, at the time, seemed so useless and meaningless.

An excerpt from this morning's email which resonates particularly strongly with me:

"One problem with the rescuer model is that the individual can get stuck in the role, always living in crisis mode at the expense of inner peace and personal growth. Until the person resolves their own inner dramas, they play them out in their relationships with others, drawn to those who need them and often unable to acknowledge their own needs or get them met. In the worst-case scenario, they enable the other person’s dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing the rescuer and allow the person to figure it out on their own. However, if the rescuer finds the strength to turn within and face the needy aspects of their own psyche, he or she can become a model of empowerment and a true source of healing in the world." 


I recently went through one of those worst-case scenarios, enabling another person's dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing rescuer. I had already been through this before, twice, with this man who was unable to confront the pain he was dealing with in his marriage, and turning to me for emotional support, without actually having to confront his wife with these issues and communicate with her about them. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then as time goes on I started realising what I was doing, and how merely just "being there" as a supportive and sympathetic ear was not doing anything to help either him or myself. We were both losing. And it was hurting everyone. And it was enabling someone else's pain and not letting them learn their own life lessons.

Of course, by that time, emotions run high when you try to extricate yourself from that situation, so it ended very very badly. But it had to end.

Having been there before, and having the perspective now to see exactly what we were both doing, I can see that each time it's been about my own lack of strength and my own emotional neediness for the love that I give out to others. I can see where I need to turn that love and compassion I have for others inwards and give it to myself. Because I so easily fall into the role of rescuer, as I have all my life in all my relationships, with my family, partners, sometimes friends, I can now start to notice the following signs when that pattern plays out, I can also now see past my own stubbornness and accept it when my friends and family tell me that I'm displaying the signs again:

• burnout from giving
• inner resentment with myself that then eventually turns outwards to the person I am trying to help
• inability to get my own needs met, or even admit that I have needs at all
• unwillingness to open up and be vulnerable

In the past few months (maybe even for a year now I've been building on this one) I have let my barriers down and admitted I am in pain, and that I do have needs. I always thought it was a weakness, but it turns out to be a strength. I've had a lot of help come into my life since acknowledging my pain. Since writing about a key part of that pain and the patterns of extreme rescuer role that I assign for myself over and over again. it's done two things: it's allowed me to face these uncomfortable truths about myself and it's helped me to let the pain go.

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

By E. E. Cummings

Happiness is a state of mind

Happiness is a state of mind.

What does this actually mean? I've spent the last half a decade trying to nut that sentence out in a practical sense.

What usually influences our state of mind? Normally, it's where we live, our lifestyle, our relationships, our possessions, our holidays, our careers, our goals.

But...

Happiness is not a location - that's geography.

Happiness is not having cool stuff - that's possession.

Happiness is not a career - that's occupation.

Happiness is not a relationship - that's co-dependence (if it's unhealthy) or inter-dependence (if it's healthy) or community (if it's not a personal relationship).

Happiness is not a lifestyle - that's an illusion.

Happiness is not money - that's security.

Happiness is not holidays - that's leisure.

Happiness is not goals - that's achievement.

All of these things can have an affect on your happiness as they affect your state of mind when you assign value to them and then compare what you have to your perceived ideal life, but they are not, in themselves, bearers of happiness.

These things come down to what you value in life. Is that money, love, security, achievement, location, occupation or leisure? Once you acknowledge and understand what value you assign to these things you can then start to unlock what affects your state of mind, and therefore happiness levels.

Looking at the first sentence again, there is a keyword in it that often gets overlooked.

State

What state your mind is in determines happiness. I can have exactly the same set of circumstances yesterday that I have today, on the laundry list above. But one day I can feel happy and the next, unhappy. It can be as simple as coming into contact with someone who is at a stage of life that I think I should be at, and all of a sudden my mind makes a value judgement "why them and not me?" and instantly sets up a basis for discontentment. It can be a trigger or just a mood or maybe a chemical reaction within my body that sets it off. I can choose to re-balance this through being aware of my thoughts, adjusting my mood, or taking medication if I have a more serious and ongoing issue with the chemical imbalance within my brain.

I also believe happiness is a choice, You can choose to view your circumstances as affecting your overall quality of life, and be happy anyway, whether those meet your set of ideals or not. Or you can choose to view your circumstances as not meeting your ideals, and try and change a few of those.

Or you can choose to simplify your quest for happiness by reprogramming your values on the lists of things you think make you happy, and de-emphasise their impact on your happiness by bringing your awareness back to your state of mind in any situation. That's what I have chosen to do in many cases where I find myself very unhappy, and it usually works.

No energy to worry

I am a worrier. The world's very best, in fact. Until I reached the point where I realised I had no more energy to worry. At all. That point hit me over the weekend in the middle of some hectic preparations for my dad's 70th birthday celebration. I simply stopped having the energy to worry.

I smiled.

And laughed along with him shaking his cereal that morning.

"Shake rattle and roll" he joked, and laughed, and I stopped what I was doing and laughed. Really laughed from my belly, our eyes met and they twinkled with joy. And he laughed some more, and we shared this wonderful moment of really enjoying his cereal mixing routine.

So. That's it. Solution reached. I just wore myself out of worry, eventually. Nice!

I probably will be a recidivist reformed worrywort, and that's okay too.

I'm not gonna worry about it.

;)

Fire

A fire burns bright and hot that draws all to its flame. It burns of its own accord, wild and unchecked and untamable.

Those unafraid can redirect towards a higher purpose. Those who quake are consumed.

All are attracted, it warms, it inspires, it lights the way. But not all understand, wise enough to know not to control or repress.

Those ought to watch from a distance and move on once satisfied with the spectacle. Eternal spectators.

Burn, baby, burn.