"Fear and Loathing" begone!

I really wish I had kept some of my old blogs. Not for the fact they were erudite or well-written or wise, or anything like that. In fact, quite the opposite. They were quite often the raw output of a girl who was going through some really rough stuff, and some really transitional periods, and I'd really love to be able to read who that girl was and compare her to the woman I am today.

There was a LOT of fear and loathing in the bad old days.... way too much...

I have been thinking and pondering a lot about fear and loathing, and how it really shapes our lives for the worse, not the better. And I'd also really love to get an insight from myself looking back on my "old" self and see at what point I can actually see that fear and loathing turning into courage and confidence.

I don't like fear and loathing. I have worked very hard to turn it around, and while it's taken a good many years, I wouldn't trade places with any other human being on this planet for anything. I believe that great things are coming into my life, really soon. I really, truly, honestly do.

While I have done a lot of work on myself in the past 6 years, this afternoon has blown my mind. Blown me away completely. I had a 2 hour conversation with a spiritual healer over the phone, during which we went through a complete 100% chakra overhaul maintenance and "repair" work. I was absolutely mindblown as to the level of work I have already been able to achieve given the tools I had at my disposal over the past few years. If I hadn't done the work, I would not have been able to appreciate what we (he) accomplished this afternoon. But it still blows my mind.

And it's not just my mind, we were confirming images, perceptions, feelings and also results without even being in the same room. In my mind, there may be a lot of charlatans who give the psychic and spiritual work industry a pretty poor name, but when you get the "real deal" it completely and utterly blows your mind and lifts you to another level of understanding that can help you put your life events into better perspective and see paths that were previously unknown to you.

The invisible realm is something that gets very little notice or attention and especially no credit by most people as to the influence it has over our lives, our choices, relationships, decisions and attitudes.

My own relationship with the spiritual realm has been pretty hit and miss. But in the past decade, often to my grave doubts, fears and ignorance I gave it pretty much no attention until some pretty ground-shaking events made me sit up and take notice of it. Since then, I have been learning a whole heap of interesting things, and tested them fully myself.

I have flung myself onto these things as a kind of self-assigned guinea pig, as I am a completely 100% rational and scientific being who did a mechanical engineering undergraduate degree.... and I offer myself up to anyone who would like to challenge these things "exist" as someone who went through shite that would have turned most people into gibbering wrecks. You only have to look at where I was 6 years ago, and compare that to now, to see these approaches really do work.

And my experience tonight is that my life is probably about to take a trajectory in the next 6 to 8 weeks that I had not even imagined possible.

I can't wait!

An original poem: Truth

i speak my truth
the truth i seek
my search for truth
is never meek
but if your mood
my truth should pique
i'll leave you to
the lies you tweak
you make them sound
so soft and sleek
but truth is truth
and thus i speak
"my mind's made up
it's never weak
you can go on
to chaos wreak"
"our paths shall part!"
i hear you shriek
i smile, and turn
the other cheek

Natasha Bedingfield - Single

Open letter to Sydney

Dear Sydney,

This is a difficult letter to write. We have been together now for 37 and a half years, and I don't discount that kind of longevity and loyalty lightly. But things have been getting rather difficult for me to continue defending your honour, and you don't seem to be making any real effort to lift your game either.

It started off well enough, we met at Darlinghurst Hospital, now no longer there unfortunately due to the rampant gentrification in that area in the interim decades. That is just one sign of how much our relationship has changed. We spent my formative years together in some lovely, leafy suburbs and I always felt safe and secure in the comfort of your familiarity, watching your landscape change quite dramatically from the back window of my folks mustard yellow combi van as we would visit friends and relatives in far flung places such as Narrabeen, Palm Beach, Hunters Hill, Epping, Gosford, Kellyville, Rooty Hill, Windsor, Parramatta, and the Blue Mountains..... to name a few. Back then, the landscape would actually change from place to place, but now there seems to be a sameness about it all, with short-sighted development of MacMansion suburbs alongside highways cutting through and around you like a concrete petticoat.

Not that I am complaining you have upgraded what used to be one-lane dirt thoroughfares, because without them it would be even more difficult to get around than it already is. Did you know your people are choking? Did you know that the frustration from millions of your inhabitants as they sit in traffic snarls every single day is giving you a really bad rep, or did you already sneak out the back behind the bike sheds for a sneaky fag and to escape detection by the head teacher and weren't paying attention?

One way you have tried is by sprouting bike lanes in the very heart of your city. This would have been great, had it not removed so many trees, parking spaces and sanity from the locals.

Your inner city bars and clubs and live music venues used to be the apple of my eye, but one by one they have fallen prey to "development" and "urbanisation" and the live music venues pressured by falling revenues and cost pressure to close their doors and walk away. Your hip, indie music scene is suffering, Sydney, and we all suffer alongside it.

You used to be a city for the people, and now I wonder who those people are. We are being accused of increasing superficiality, and if it weren't for your spectacular harbour and amazing weather (most of the time, what was with that hot and humid summer, dude, that was Singaporean!) you wouldn't have much to recommend you to visitors when I try to convince them to drop in and share an experience of my town with me.

In short, Sydney, I have given up defending your liveability. I have become a laughing stock, and so have you.

Yours regretfully,
Natasha

Close encounters of the turd kind....

Dear bloggy friends,

I have jumped back into the online dating world with the vague hope that somehow, somewhere, sometime, my prince will come... I've been a lot more relaxed about it this time, no fanfare, no announcements, just schlepped up a profile and crossed fingers.

This whole next exchange illustrates the reason I am 100% certain, despite the fact that people keep encouraging me to get back into "the game", that online dating will not lead me to my man..... names are removed to protect the not-so-innocent... but this is the reason I can't stand online dating and the world of indignity that exists out there, especially when you are someone who is just trying to meet someone real.

This is what I have to deal with.

I received 2 kisses from "Goodtimeguy", and received the following email, cut and pasted in its entirety, no spellchecking or editing:

Hi Natasha

I'd love to meet you as you seem cool,cute and normal!
hate emailing ,usually more happy to talk on the phone and ill answer any and all questions that way,same deal with sitting at pc doing chat all day..boooring!!!!
so regarding my life-
I am 1 Year out of the 4 year relationship from hell and really just looking for fun-intelligent,thought provoking conversation always gets a big thumbs up!
My likes are varied,my profile is the tip of the iceberg as far as interests go , im a real upbeat,happy,funny dude who believes in karma bigtime:)
I am straightforward,not at all shy and confident without being cocky.Love sex,and really looking for some fun with no expectations.If something happens
above and beyond that great,if not all cool also.
Anyway,want to hear way more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My details are [deleted]
xxx M

Here was my response to him (unexpurgated):

Hey M,

Well, to be completely up front and honest with you, I've done the online dating game for about 5 years now, dipped in and out of it as and when the mood has taken me. In that time, I have developed a very good sense of what people really want (in other words I'm great at reading between the lines ;)

So, here's the thing, From your reply it looks like you are looking for some "fun".... I have been 5 years single now, previously was in a 9 year relationship, half of that time married. in the past 5 years I've done the "just looking for fun" thing, and right now I'm really not looking for that anymore. I have spent a lot of time developing my interests, confidence and happiness, and I am completely fulfilled and happy right now as a single woman, but what I am looking for is someone I share a connection with, can take that to a deeper friendship, and then hopefully blossom into a relationship. I am not looking for sex.... I have found I can get that pretty easily if I want, but it really leaves me unfulfilled if it's not preceded by something "real"...... I speak from years of experience here "M"!

So, if you are at a different place, that's fine, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking for a good time while you are exploring your single life after a 4 years relationship from hell.... but I would hazard a guess we may not be in the same space mentally?

Happy to catch up for coffee if you want, but I have heaps of friends I can catch up for coffee with, and that's not what I am looking for ;)

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

Cheers, Natasha 


Here is the email I received back from "M"

i started online dating in 01 so i have 10 years experience....
and yeah was in a rship for 4 yrs until 6 mths ago with someone i met at dancing and i only ever use the net for fun and mates , never really anything serious..
so up to you
x

My response:

Thanks but no thanks.

Good luck in your search :)

Cheers, Natasha

His final response:

628 women later as a sexaholic doubt i need luck but thanks :)

My final response:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!

Is this thing still on?

I assure you, my total and utter lack of bloggy updates is not because I have forgotten I have a blog. I just have had surprisingly little to say of late.

I am waiting on a lot of "other" shoes to drop. And it's starting to wear me down.

I have been trying this new fitness approach out, and while I have been eating better than I ever have before, and REALLY enjoying my meals, I still have not pulled my finger out on the moving my body bits.... and that's making me feel all blubbery and sad.

One day, my bloggy friends, one day I shall be a lean, mean, fighting machine. But that day has not come yet.

Farewell, until I have something more interesting to say!

What a girl wants

I have recently had cause to counsel someone about feeling one way and yet acting in a way opposite to those feelings. I called it "not living authentically".

I want to explore that concept for me. I am about to encounter a few changes in my life, some have already been underway for some time. Others are just beginning. I have been doing life coaching for almost 3 months now, and it has been an inspiration to see how laying values out explicitly and seeing where the gaps are, can be completely transformational.

Even when I am not looking for transformation, it's come looking for me.

What do I actually want out of life, then? I am going to just list things as they occur to me, relying on my right brain "instinctual" side to answer this:

• love
• family
• health
• movement
• travel
• adventure
• authenticity
• emotional stability
• mental stability
• compassion
• understanding
• seeking
• questioning
• excellence
• truth
• beauty
• warmth
• confidence
• humour
• sponteneity
• courage
• conviction
• erudition
• spirituality
• peace
• love

I realise I have repeated love. It's important.

Time, time, time... see what becomes of me

I haven't blogged for a while. My issue, as always, is time.

I'd like to be honest here. I have never had a lot of time to spare. All my life I have been told "Natasha would do much better if she didn't rush."

I've always been in a hurry, always felt time poor, always crammed everything in to maximise what I can do in the time I have available. I am extremely social, with friends who (thankfully) are more often asking me to catch up than not. I have many many interests outside of work, such as my improvising comedy passion, my hobby business (kinesiology), music, theatre, shows amongst other "stuff" in general.

My family is currently undergoing a very stressful time. They are a huge priority for me at the moment, including getting around to seeing extended family members I don't get to see very often.

On top of all that, this gal needs to pay the bills, and she does so with a fairly demanding and brain-intensive job.

Not to mention, my health is a further priority right now, and I am about to start a 12 week body transformation challenge and training schedule in preparation for another triathlon, so early morning training sessions and dietary regimes means that I won't have the energy, time or stamina (as well as inclination) to do the sociable thing of late nights, alcohol-based catch ups and external dining experiences like I used to do...

All of this adds up to one thing. Time is a HUGE premium in my life.

Lately, I have felt like I am letting my friends down. I need to be quite clear that I do understand some feel "neglected". But I want to reassure everyone that I love you all (and am neglecting you all equally, if that's any consolation...)

I can't make any promises about things getting easier. Because I have done that before and felt like I have let people down even more when I couldn't keep that promise.

I need to put this out there loudly and strongly.

I am my own Number One priority right now. 

It's not that I don't want to catch up with  friends or make time for everyone, or that I am not concerned about people feeling left out of my life at the moment. It's just the way things need to be.

Please be aware that it's too easy for me to feel guilty for putting myself first, and it's something I am going to be more guarded against for the time being.

I love youse all.

xxx

Total "aha" moment!

OMG OMG OMG! I gotta share this "revelation".

You know how I bang on about all my past relationships being less than fulfilling and over all too quickly (hmmmmm *scratches head and thinks a bit about what she just admitted*)?

Well.... here are a few bolts of lightning from my authentic self who has been trying to be heard above the debris and noise that is my "ego". This is the message she [I] relayed to me this morning:

The universe has been protecting you, my dear. Those men were never worthy of you, consider them as your training wheels to give you some practice and to also show you that there are men who are attracted to you, even if for just a moment in time. The universe has been saving your man for you, and boy is he a winner! He has been looking for you as well, he has been learning his own life lessons, and when you are both ready to meet, you will meet and fall in love. You needed to fall in love with yourself first, to really appreciate how wonderful you really are before you were ready to meet him. Cos, guess what, he will love and accept you for exactly who you are. Take heart, because you are on your path, and when you are on your true path, things happen exactly as they ought. Be brave and admit what you really want out of life, and the universe will conspire to make it happen for you.

This message has been bubbling up within me ever since I blogged about my inner dialogue regarding relationships. It burst forth into my consciousness today, a mere 2 days after I created my vision board, which has some pretty impressive goals on it which I never dared breathe to others, let alone admit to myself that I wanted.

It's out there now. I am leaving it up to the universe to show me what it's got. And I'm excited!

Why...

I have been thinking about why I got so hackled up at Unshackled and attitudes that are similar to his... it was a hard thing to really look at my reaction. Because ALWAYS when you react badly to someone or something it's because there is an aspect of yourself being reflected to you which you are not comfortable with.

So, I looked.

And I looked.

And I finally came to the conclusion that my unhappiness with these attitudes stems from a very deep feeling of being "robbed" of my youth and my options for love and happiness by life circumstances and my own poor choices.

While the Sydney women that were tormenting the likes of Mr Unshackled were happily playing the dating field (and creating bitterness in men such as these), I was spending my 20s and early 30s in possibly one of the most difficult relationships I've ever heard of.

I met my husband when I was 23 and freshly out of uni. I had dated a few men (not millions, but enough to know the difference between lust and love), nothing ever serious, and the relationships never lasted more than 3 months. When I met him I "just knew"...  the way "they" always say you know. And I responded with my heart and stayed by him through thick and through thin.

We were together 9 years almost to the day. Married for half that time.  The issues we faced were his undiagnosed Bipolar disorder and psychotic episodes during which time he would leave his gentle, loving Dr Jeckyll nature and turn into Mr Hyde. That wasn't the only issue we (I) had to cope with. His gambling addiction, occasional drug use, employment instability, and deep paranoia (and hence emotional neediness for me and use of emotional blackmail to keep me tied to him) were things that only got worse after I consented to be his wife.

Don't get me wrong. I loved him extremely deeply, enough to overlook these issues for almost a decade. I guess that's why I did everything in my power to help him become the man he so desperately wanted to be, the man he thought I deserved to have. One of the saddest things I heard him say close to the end was "I don't know which personality to pick that will please you the most."

Things got so bad that I started getting panic attacks. And depression. And in my desperation I asked for a separation to give myself breathing room to re-group and to also persuade him to seek professional help for his demons that I couldn't deal with on my own.

He took his life the following week.

I lost the next 3 years to grief so black and complete that I couldn't see my way out. I made extremely poor relationship choices during this time, only complicating my core pain and robbing me of any shred self worth I had left. My only recollection from that time was that it always seems like night. I didn't sleep much, you see.

So, the last 2 years have been the ones where I have felt like my personality of old coming back, along with my ability to choose better romantic partners, as well as a whole heap of life lessons to assist me in choosing someone who can support me as much as I would love to support him.

And when I come across comments that put me in a bucket of women who spent their 20s and early 30s playing games in the dating pool, it really gets my goat.

I feel so robbed of the options I could have had in my 20s for meeting a decent, great guy that I can fall in love with, and who will fall right back atcha with me. All the "good ones" appear to be taken (or gay). And the rest are telling me I'm superficial.

Isn't life crazy sometimes!