I feel myself slowly emerging from my latest round of "blah". It is so interesting to watch my thoughts and feelings this time, as they have been given free reign and absolute attention from me as I am not busy distracting myself chasing new "things".
It has been a very different experience to all the other times I have felt rejection from someone I've put a lot of time and energy into. The difference is that this time I have put a moratorium on all things "relationship-wise" on myself for 2012, so I can truly get this perspective from distancing myself from the "problem".
Having a clear break has given me a lot more space to process things just for myself. It was the best idea I have ever had, to NOT do my usual knee-jerk reaction of dipping my toe half back in the water, as I used to do with my former rounds of throwing myself back out there, usually with online dating, activity-doing, or friend-of-a-friend meeting approaches.
Don't get me wrong, it's been very hard to do that. We all long to be coupled up, to love and to be loved, and I'm no exception. But doing the same things over again and expecting different results was a particular insanity I was not prepared to entertain again.
It is only for 12 months of my life, this moratorium. And I think by the end of this year, I'll have more insight than I ever had before. And even by then if I do NOT meet someone, I would hope that I can see it's not been for lack of working on myself and my own issues.
With distance from relationship issues will come perspective. Already I'm seeing a lot of things I have done and patterns I perpetuate that are unhealthy behaviours, and drive the very outcomes that I fear in relationships. I know I am a very caring person, and can easily see things from other peoples' perspective including their pain and their issues they are trying to deal with, which means I also tend to empathise a bit much which results in trying to help them "fix" themselves in the most loving way I possibly can. So I am drawn naturally to "fixer-uppers" who sometimes mean well, but have no intention of taking the hard steps to fix themselves FOR themselves. I have fallen for "potential" so many times I should consider a career in reality TV real estate renovations.
The number of times I've become frustrated with someone because of their perceived inability to "do for themselves" or "see something" that I can so clearly see, that it drives a wedge between them and myself, and I end up losing regard for them, instead of just looking at them for where they are in life at that moment and asking myself "is this for me"?
Would save a lot of pain and heartache if I did this.
I have to accept that everyone is simply growing and learning at their own pace, and just because I can "help" doesn't mean that I should. Doesn't mean it's my "job", or calling, or gift, or whatever you want to call it.
What I have struggled with a lot is the idea of accepting. Accepting love, accepting care, accepting help and accepting support. This is almost an alien concept to me, and it feels very very weird when someone offers it to me. Why should that be the case? I say that I want a loving, caring, supportive partner. And yet when it is offered I reject it because it doesn't feel right. Does that mean it only feels right when I'm the strong partner in a partnership? No wonder I always feel so worn out and lack energy after my relationships cease. I'm always exhausted. Always needing to regroup, heal and nurture myself because there was no nurturing of myself within the relationship.
There is no conclusion yet, I'm still in the process of discovery. And discovery without distraction. It's a good place to be.
It has been a very different experience to all the other times I have felt rejection from someone I've put a lot of time and energy into. The difference is that this time I have put a moratorium on all things "relationship-wise" on myself for 2012, so I can truly get this perspective from distancing myself from the "problem".
Having a clear break has given me a lot more space to process things just for myself. It was the best idea I have ever had, to NOT do my usual knee-jerk reaction of dipping my toe half back in the water, as I used to do with my former rounds of throwing myself back out there, usually with online dating, activity-doing, or friend-of-a-friend meeting approaches.
Don't get me wrong, it's been very hard to do that. We all long to be coupled up, to love and to be loved, and I'm no exception. But doing the same things over again and expecting different results was a particular insanity I was not prepared to entertain again.
It is only for 12 months of my life, this moratorium. And I think by the end of this year, I'll have more insight than I ever had before. And even by then if I do NOT meet someone, I would hope that I can see it's not been for lack of working on myself and my own issues.
With distance from relationship issues will come perspective. Already I'm seeing a lot of things I have done and patterns I perpetuate that are unhealthy behaviours, and drive the very outcomes that I fear in relationships. I know I am a very caring person, and can easily see things from other peoples' perspective including their pain and their issues they are trying to deal with, which means I also tend to empathise a bit much which results in trying to help them "fix" themselves in the most loving way I possibly can. So I am drawn naturally to "fixer-uppers" who sometimes mean well, but have no intention of taking the hard steps to fix themselves FOR themselves. I have fallen for "potential" so many times I should consider a career in reality TV real estate renovations.
The number of times I've become frustrated with someone because of their perceived inability to "do for themselves" or "see something" that I can so clearly see, that it drives a wedge between them and myself, and I end up losing regard for them, instead of just looking at them for where they are in life at that moment and asking myself "is this for me"?
Would save a lot of pain and heartache if I did this.
I have to accept that everyone is simply growing and learning at their own pace, and just because I can "help" doesn't mean that I should. Doesn't mean it's my "job", or calling, or gift, or whatever you want to call it.
What I have struggled with a lot is the idea of accepting. Accepting love, accepting care, accepting help and accepting support. This is almost an alien concept to me, and it feels very very weird when someone offers it to me. Why should that be the case? I say that I want a loving, caring, supportive partner. And yet when it is offered I reject it because it doesn't feel right. Does that mean it only feels right when I'm the strong partner in a partnership? No wonder I always feel so worn out and lack energy after my relationships cease. I'm always exhausted. Always needing to regroup, heal and nurture myself because there was no nurturing of myself within the relationship.
There is no conclusion yet, I'm still in the process of discovery. And discovery without distraction. It's a good place to be.
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