Seeing 'The Search' as a good thing

Giving yourself the space to discover what you like, and more importantly what you don't like, is so important for someone like me, I've come to recognise.

Being an extreme rescuer means I have in the past subverted my own needs and likes and ignored my dislikes to the point that I get into very poor situations and make bad relationship decisions. Taking the time that I have taken to find "the right person" for me has been necessary.

I haven't always seen it this way, and now that I am I can see where others are at a similar stage I was a few years ago, when I thought the increasing length of time it was taking meant I was damaged goods, unworthy, unloveable and unable to partner again.

Now, I have a slightly different outlook. Sure, I still get lonely, and sure I get disappointed when a potential mate turns out to be not quite right for me or vice versa.... but I now have a little voice in the back of my mind that always always says now "it will only take one".

It will only take one. Once I meet him, it will be right, and both of us will feel it. There will be no push-pull. There will be no guilt, angst, drama, or obstacles to overcome. There will be no "test" as I have so often believed there needed to be to prove someone's love for me, and mine for them. It will be easy. We will be curious about each other, but not obsessive. There won't be that niggling gut feeling of nervousness that I usually have when I'm pursuing the wrong man or wrong situation. It will just feel right. We will share values and goals. It won't be a sacrifice for either of us to easily and effortlessly get together. We won't be second guessing ourselves or what others might think.

And if I don't meet him, then obviously the universe has something else, something bigger, and more satisfying in store for me.

I trust.

I believe.

I accept.

Things happen easily, for a reason

How often have we all been in traffic and watched other drivers ducking and weaving through cars, accelerating to make the lights, and in general acting like they haven't a moment to lose?

How often do you notice this behaviour, and smile, and continue at a steady pace, going with the flow, humming a merry tune, taking in the scenery, only to find yourself pulling up alongside Mr Hoon at the end of the road.

One of you has had a pleasant journey to the set of lights you have found yourselves at, the other is highly stressed out and seething.

Well, this is a lot like life. I have tried both approaches, impatiently trying to get to my destination, feeling resentful when the obstacles forcibly slow me down, honking my opinions to the person or people in the way of my end goal. I have been guilty of not admiring the scenery of my life, and where I am in the moment. Going with the flow, I'd scoff. That means not getting there faster.

But where is there?

I used to think there was a combination of my ultimate life goals. I'd be settled in a great relationship. In a job I loved doing. Paid off my debts. I'd have already written one or two books by then. My fantasy residence (always in another country or city) is where I'd be living. I'd be at my goal weight... thin, rich and basically wildly successful...

What a rort, that line of thinking is. And a recipe for discontentment.

So I did a little experiment late last year. I took my foot off the clutch, I stopped changing gears in my attempt to manipulate my life to resemble how I wanted it to be. I stopped racing, racing, racing, and just left the outcome of what I was trying to achieve into the hands of the universe. I stopped being that stressed out driver, hoping to get to the final set of traffic lights faster than the road I was travelling wanted me to.

All of a sudden, things became really easy. The outcome happened and my life is as it is, because that's the way it's meant to be. Easy. I am now the driver who is whistling a little tune along to myself in the drivers seat, picking up the hitchhikers that look like they would be good company along the way, dropping them off when they want to explore the local area as I head back on my journey, looking at the scenery. I feel less stressed, less anxious. And above all I feel at peace that the road will get me to where I am going.... eventually.

Here is what matters. Now is what we are experiencing. Take your foot off that clutch! Stop trying to change gears, you will guzzle more petrol and end up at your destination tired and ragged.

And that's not much fun, cos there's a party at the end, so you may as well enjoy getting there.

Acknowledging pain

I subscribe to the Daily Om, and this morning's daily email was an amazing reminder of some of the more recent life lessons I have been given. It's always humbling to realise how far you have come in "getting" it and, in hindsight, start to realise some of the reasons why one goes through events that, at the time, seemed so useless and meaningless.

An excerpt from this morning's email which resonates particularly strongly with me:

"One problem with the rescuer model is that the individual can get stuck in the role, always living in crisis mode at the expense of inner peace and personal growth. Until the person resolves their own inner dramas, they play them out in their relationships with others, drawn to those who need them and often unable to acknowledge their own needs or get them met. In the worst-case scenario, they enable the other person’s dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing the rescuer and allow the person to figure it out on their own. However, if the rescuer finds the strength to turn within and face the needy aspects of their own psyche, he or she can become a model of empowerment and a true source of healing in the world." 


I recently went through one of those worst-case scenarios, enabling another person's dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing rescuer. I had already been through this before, twice, with this man who was unable to confront the pain he was dealing with in his marriage, and turning to me for emotional support, without actually having to confront his wife with these issues and communicate with her about them. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then as time goes on I started realising what I was doing, and how merely just "being there" as a supportive and sympathetic ear was not doing anything to help either him or myself. We were both losing. And it was hurting everyone. And it was enabling someone else's pain and not letting them learn their own life lessons.

Of course, by that time, emotions run high when you try to extricate yourself from that situation, so it ended very very badly. But it had to end.

Having been there before, and having the perspective now to see exactly what we were both doing, I can see that each time it's been about my own lack of strength and my own emotional neediness for the love that I give out to others. I can see where I need to turn that love and compassion I have for others inwards and give it to myself. Because I so easily fall into the role of rescuer, as I have all my life in all my relationships, with my family, partners, sometimes friends, I can now start to notice the following signs when that pattern plays out, I can also now see past my own stubbornness and accept it when my friends and family tell me that I'm displaying the signs again:

• burnout from giving
• inner resentment with myself that then eventually turns outwards to the person I am trying to help
• inability to get my own needs met, or even admit that I have needs at all
• unwillingness to open up and be vulnerable

In the past few months (maybe even for a year now I've been building on this one) I have let my barriers down and admitted I am in pain, and that I do have needs. I always thought it was a weakness, but it turns out to be a strength. I've had a lot of help come into my life since acknowledging my pain. Since writing about a key part of that pain and the patterns of extreme rescuer role that I assign for myself over and over again. it's done two things: it's allowed me to face these uncomfortable truths about myself and it's helped me to let the pain go.

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

By E. E. Cummings

Happiness is a state of mind

Happiness is a state of mind.

What does this actually mean? I've spent the last half a decade trying to nut that sentence out in a practical sense.

What usually influences our state of mind? Normally, it's where we live, our lifestyle, our relationships, our possessions, our holidays, our careers, our goals.

But...

Happiness is not a location - that's geography.

Happiness is not having cool stuff - that's possession.

Happiness is not a career - that's occupation.

Happiness is not a relationship - that's co-dependence (if it's unhealthy) or inter-dependence (if it's healthy) or community (if it's not a personal relationship).

Happiness is not a lifestyle - that's an illusion.

Happiness is not money - that's security.

Happiness is not holidays - that's leisure.

Happiness is not goals - that's achievement.

All of these things can have an affect on your happiness as they affect your state of mind when you assign value to them and then compare what you have to your perceived ideal life, but they are not, in themselves, bearers of happiness.

These things come down to what you value in life. Is that money, love, security, achievement, location, occupation or leisure? Once you acknowledge and understand what value you assign to these things you can then start to unlock what affects your state of mind, and therefore happiness levels.

Looking at the first sentence again, there is a keyword in it that often gets overlooked.

State

What state your mind is in determines happiness. I can have exactly the same set of circumstances yesterday that I have today, on the laundry list above. But one day I can feel happy and the next, unhappy. It can be as simple as coming into contact with someone who is at a stage of life that I think I should be at, and all of a sudden my mind makes a value judgement "why them and not me?" and instantly sets up a basis for discontentment. It can be a trigger or just a mood or maybe a chemical reaction within my body that sets it off. I can choose to re-balance this through being aware of my thoughts, adjusting my mood, or taking medication if I have a more serious and ongoing issue with the chemical imbalance within my brain.

I also believe happiness is a choice, You can choose to view your circumstances as affecting your overall quality of life, and be happy anyway, whether those meet your set of ideals or not. Or you can choose to view your circumstances as not meeting your ideals, and try and change a few of those.

Or you can choose to simplify your quest for happiness by reprogramming your values on the lists of things you think make you happy, and de-emphasise their impact on your happiness by bringing your awareness back to your state of mind in any situation. That's what I have chosen to do in many cases where I find myself very unhappy, and it usually works.

No energy to worry

I am a worrier. The world's very best, in fact. Until I reached the point where I realised I had no more energy to worry. At all. That point hit me over the weekend in the middle of some hectic preparations for my dad's 70th birthday celebration. I simply stopped having the energy to worry.

I smiled.

And laughed along with him shaking his cereal that morning.

"Shake rattle and roll" he joked, and laughed, and I stopped what I was doing and laughed. Really laughed from my belly, our eyes met and they twinkled with joy. And he laughed some more, and we shared this wonderful moment of really enjoying his cereal mixing routine.

So. That's it. Solution reached. I just wore myself out of worry, eventually. Nice!

I probably will be a recidivist reformed worrywort, and that's okay too.

I'm not gonna worry about it.

;)

Fire

A fire burns bright and hot that draws all to its flame. It burns of its own accord, wild and unchecked and untamable.

Those unafraid can redirect towards a higher purpose. Those who quake are consumed.

All are attracted, it warms, it inspires, it lights the way. But not all understand, wise enough to know not to control or repress.

Those ought to watch from a distance and move on once satisfied with the spectacle. Eternal spectators.

Burn, baby, burn.

On being "difficult"

I read a column this morning in the Daily Life on Germaine Greer's encouragement of women to be more "difficult". And it got me thinking.

Away from my long-held obsession to be "in a relationship" (any relationship, doesn't matter what kind, so long as I'm not dundundunnnnnnn SINGLE), along with distance and perspective, comes the comfortability within myself enough to embrace the concept of being "difficult".

Oh, yes.

I have been labelled "difficult" from many sources. It's sometimes wrapped up in the guise of another word or description, but I will come out of the closet, loud and proud, and embrace all these words and phrases that slap a big ol' "D" for difficult on my chest.

I used to think being "difficult" meant I was limiting my chances for a normal, settled, happy life. I have heard phrases that tell me I am inhibiting a whole wide world market for men out there that would be able to "deal" with me (and my "difficult" way of thinking).

"You think too much"
"I don't get you"
"You're weird sometimes"
"You're too intense"
"Can we just stop talking about <insert subject at hand>?"
<insert blank look or radio silence at something I've said>
"I wish you hadn't told me that" (in relation to my other life, trying to help them understand why I think or react the way that I do)
"I'm out"

Even before I had a really full-on life experience like the one I have been blogging about, not to mention a few other hairy and gnarly relationships that really knocked me around and made me look more closely at myself, others, and life in general, I was considered "eccentric". I burned with a light of curiosity and eagerness to know stuff. I wanted to read every book in the world (age 8). I actually liked going to school to learn stuff (not for the social side). I hated to do things wrong, and I'd do everything in my power to watch the experts and emulate them in what they did. I used to watch my elders intently to work out the secret of growing up more quickly so I could get on with the business of being ME without having to conform to someone else's ideas of who ME was. My mother can attest to how challenging I was all through my growing-up phases. Possibly even still.

Difficult. Me.

Difficult because I want to be free to be ME. Fully. Completely. No compromising.

So, here is why I am so difficult. I am saying all of this with the benefit of hindsight and perspective from about 6.5 years of trying to work out why I behave the way I do.

1. I don't tolerate bullshit
2. I relentlessly seek the truth in all situations, even within my own self
3. I don't put up with assclownery
4. I ask the hard questions in relationships now, and of myself
5. I give enough rope for people to prove me wrong in all of the above, but keep it short
6. Once I have seen the truth in something, I can't allow myself to deny having seen it
7. I like to discuss it all. Life, the universe, everything.
8. I read, a lot of challenging things, to all my opinions. Sometimes I can be *gasp* wrong.
9. I talk about what I read
10. I try to be 100% myself, in all situations

I see things differently about my so-called "difficult" nature, past, baggage, personality, thought processes, willingness to get to the bottom of the truth of things... I don't see it now as something to be ashamed of or to try and hide away. In fact, nowadays I present it almost as the first thing people see. If they don't like it, they don't like it. It's a wonderful qualification tool.

If I tried to be anything different, I'd make myself miserable. And that's just not sustainable for anyone.

I see it as liberating me from the wrong people. I am who I am. And anyone that finds that difficult can just keep on moving right along!

I embrace my Diffi-cult-ness.

Selfish. Can we think of a better word?

I was told recently that I am "selfish".

Instantly my hackles got up at this. What? Me selfish? How dare they... I'm not selfish!

[Cried my ego]

Then I thought about it. I AM selfish. My life is predominantly "Tash"-focused, and I don't really have to consider others in my overall life plans (for the most part). I also know exactly who my"self" is. I have always known this. I also know exactly what my"self" wants, and what it doesn't want. And I'm not willing to compromise it.

I guess that could all be seen as "selfish" to others.

However, what I was initially reacting to was the overall negative connotation that being "selfish" always brings up. It seems like such a nasty, small-minded, self-serving thing to be. But I actually think being selfish gets a really bad rap. Of course we all need to be considerate of others, compassionate, have empathy. But sometimes wouldn't it be good for us all to be a little more "selfish".

The immediate person that comes to mind is the self-sacrificing mother who always puts her broods' needs before hers, draining her "self" of nurturing, and ending up grumpy, snappish, and lacking a sense of humour or perspective. Wouldn't it be a good thing for her to engage in little random acts of selfishness? Wouldn't that bring a little joy to her day, and fill her emotional cup... if mum is happy, then everyone is happy?

And how about the family man, toiling away in a job he doesn't particularly love bringing home the bacon for his brood. Building up anger and resentment that his dreams and passions have been sacrificed. Would it not bring a little harmony if he were allowed to be a little selfish and take time out for things he loves to do?

In fact, anyone who is finding themselves continually putting the needs of others before their own, should balance the scales and practice a little selfishness.

There needs to be a balance between selfless and selfish. But I feel that selfless seems to have a better rep in this world, people admire those who are selfless. Whereas "selfish" seems to be a quality that people use to attack someone when they see them doing something they don't agree with, or maybe it's jealousy that they don't feel they could act that way in their self-interest?

It is possible for someone to be selfish and have great compassion and empathy for others. In fact, I will go one step further and say that it is necessary TO be selfish to allow yourself to fully allow yourself to feel compassion and empathy for others, because you have already taken care of your emotional needs.

Your thoughts?

It's not always about me, and it's not always about you

I have started to really understand something more clearly since removing my head out of my ass, relationship-wise...

[Sidenote: boy, it's refreshing to be out of there. The air is sweeter, you can breathe properly, and things don't look so dark.]

[Apologies: to those who find the whole "head up own ass" analogy to be unpalatable.]

It's not always about me. And, in another really interesting version of that, it's not always about you.

From writing my experiences about my marriage, I've really come to realise how much head-ass action was going on. My head was up my own ass, and when it wasn't there I was busy poking my nose into O.P.P. (other peoples' problems), in other words, letting myself get involved in other peoples' heads being up their own asses, really it's any wonder I had a single clear thought at all with all that focus on the other end of our anatomy.

I joke. But there's a really interesting lesson in it for me.

When I'm not busy overblowing my own importance in this world, things seem to calm down a lot internally. My anxiety takes a hike and I learn to love the silences, and even the longer gaps "between drinks at Ye Olde Relationship Watering Hole."

What about this. What if I'm never meant to be part of another couple. Ever. Again. Wow. I said it. What if that were my destiny. I can, for the first time, say that fear out loud, without it bringing up sadness, regret or jealousy for what I see others having that I feel "I deserve to have".

What if that was it. The end. Well. I am still a fully functioning adult, for the most part. I still contribute. I still feel. I still love. I still have an impact on the world, no matter how small or large.

I deserve to be here.

And here is the other thing. When I'm not overblowing the significance or importance that others (I mean specifically in a relationship sense) have on my life and "story", I get even more calm and less anxious. Because, what if they were never the right ones for me in the first place. What if I had been projecting far more importance and significance on them from a place of my own needs wanting to be met. What if they were just another person, getting on in life to the best of their ability, doing the stuff that they do and not really understanding how much impact they were having on me, because of my own head-up-own-ass activities.

It's not always about me. And it's not always about you.

It's liberating.