I read a column this morning in the Daily Life on Germaine Greer's encouragement of women to be more "difficult". And it got me thinking.
Away from my long-held obsession to be "in a relationship" (any relationship, doesn't matter what kind, so long as I'm not dundundunnnnnnn SINGLE), along with distance and perspective, comes the comfortability within myself enough to embrace the concept of being "difficult".
Oh, yes.
I have been labelled "difficult" from many sources. It's sometimes wrapped up in the guise of another word or description, but I will come out of the closet, loud and proud, and embrace all these words and phrases that slap a big ol' "D" for difficult on my chest.
I used to think being "difficult" meant I was limiting my chances for a normal, settled, happy life. I have heard phrases that tell me I am inhibiting a whole wide world market for men out there that would be able to "deal" with me (and my "difficult" way of thinking).
"You think too much"
"I don't get you"
"You're weird sometimes"
"You're too intense"
"Can we just stop talking about <insert subject at hand>?"
<insert blank look or radio silence at something I've said>
"I wish you hadn't told me that" (in relation to my other life, trying to help them understand why I think or react the way that I do)
"I'm out"
Even before I had a really full-on life experience like the one I have been blogging about, not to mention a few other hairy and gnarly relationships that really knocked me around and made me look more closely at myself, others, and life in general, I was considered "eccentric". I burned with a light of curiosity and eagerness to know stuff. I wanted to read every book in the world (age 8). I actually liked going to school to learn stuff (not for the social side). I hated to do things wrong, and I'd do everything in my power to watch the experts and emulate them in what they did. I used to watch my elders intently to work out the secret of growing up more quickly so I could get on with the business of being ME without having to conform to someone else's ideas of who ME was. My mother can attest to how challenging I was all through my growing-up phases. Possibly even still.
Difficult. Me.
Difficult because I want to be free to be ME. Fully. Completely. No compromising.
So, here is why I am so difficult. I am saying all of this with the benefit of hindsight and perspective from about 6.5 years of trying to work out why I behave the way I do.
1. I don't tolerate bullshit
2. I relentlessly seek the truth in all situations, even within my own self
3. I don't put up with assclownery
4. I ask the hard questions in relationships now, and of myself
5. I give enough rope for people to prove me wrong in all of the above, but keep it short
6. Once I have seen the truth in something, I can't allow myself to deny having seen it
7. I like to discuss it all. Life, the universe, everything.
8. I read, a lot of challenging things, to all my opinions. Sometimes I can be *gasp* wrong.
9. I talk about what I read
10. I try to be 100% myself, in all situations
I see things differently about my so-called "difficult" nature, past, baggage, personality, thought processes, willingness to get to the bottom of the truth of things... I don't see it now as something to be ashamed of or to try and hide away. In fact, nowadays I present it almost as the first thing people see. If they don't like it, they don't like it. It's a wonderful qualification tool.
If I tried to be anything different, I'd make myself miserable. And that's just not sustainable for anyone.
I see it as liberating me from the wrong people. I am who I am. And anyone that finds that difficult can just keep on moving right along!
I embrace my Diffi-cult-ness.
Away from my long-held obsession to be "in a relationship" (any relationship, doesn't matter what kind, so long as I'm not dundundunnnnnnn SINGLE), along with distance and perspective, comes the comfortability within myself enough to embrace the concept of being "difficult".
Oh, yes.
I have been labelled "difficult" from many sources. It's sometimes wrapped up in the guise of another word or description, but I will come out of the closet, loud and proud, and embrace all these words and phrases that slap a big ol' "D" for difficult on my chest.
I used to think being "difficult" meant I was limiting my chances for a normal, settled, happy life. I have heard phrases that tell me I am inhibiting a whole wide world market for men out there that would be able to "deal" with me (and my "difficult" way of thinking).
"You think too much"
"I don't get you"
"You're weird sometimes"
"You're too intense"
"Can we just stop talking about <insert subject at hand>?"
<insert blank look or radio silence at something I've said>
"I wish you hadn't told me that" (in relation to my other life, trying to help them understand why I think or react the way that I do)
"I'm out"
Even before I had a really full-on life experience like the one I have been blogging about, not to mention a few other hairy and gnarly relationships that really knocked me around and made me look more closely at myself, others, and life in general, I was considered "eccentric". I burned with a light of curiosity and eagerness to know stuff. I wanted to read every book in the world (age 8). I actually liked going to school to learn stuff (not for the social side). I hated to do things wrong, and I'd do everything in my power to watch the experts and emulate them in what they did. I used to watch my elders intently to work out the secret of growing up more quickly so I could get on with the business of being ME without having to conform to someone else's ideas of who ME was. My mother can attest to how challenging I was all through my growing-up phases. Possibly even still.
Difficult. Me.
Difficult because I want to be free to be ME. Fully. Completely. No compromising.
So, here is why I am so difficult. I am saying all of this with the benefit of hindsight and perspective from about 6.5 years of trying to work out why I behave the way I do.
1. I don't tolerate bullshit
2. I relentlessly seek the truth in all situations, even within my own self
3. I don't put up with assclownery
4. I ask the hard questions in relationships now, and of myself
5. I give enough rope for people to prove me wrong in all of the above, but keep it short
6. Once I have seen the truth in something, I can't allow myself to deny having seen it
7. I like to discuss it all. Life, the universe, everything.
8. I read, a lot of challenging things, to all my opinions. Sometimes I can be *gasp* wrong.
9. I talk about what I read
10. I try to be 100% myself, in all situations
I see things differently about my so-called "difficult" nature, past, baggage, personality, thought processes, willingness to get to the bottom of the truth of things... I don't see it now as something to be ashamed of or to try and hide away. In fact, nowadays I present it almost as the first thing people see. If they don't like it, they don't like it. It's a wonderful qualification tool.
If I tried to be anything different, I'd make myself miserable. And that's just not sustainable for anyone.
I see it as liberating me from the wrong people. I am who I am. And anyone that finds that difficult can just keep on moving right along!
I embrace my Diffi-cult-ness.
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