Chivalry is NOT inherently sexist

I found myself reading Samantha Brett's blog today (I really try hard to restrain myself, but I was at home ill today, and had nothing else to read after scouring most of my online news sources, blogs and also exhausting my regular Facebook addiction)

Today's topic was "Is sexism still alive?"

The first comment was:

"Sure we want to eradicate sexism. But not as a consequence of killing off chivalry at the same time." - except that chivalry is inherently sexist.
Your problem is that equal rights and special treatment (e.g. chivalry) are mutually exclusive. Trying to gain both is a thing that children do.

I take EXTREME exception to the assertion that "chivalry is inherently sexist."

I view chivalry as the ability for a man to treat females well, in particular the special female in his life. It is an encoded way for men to cherish and respect women, and to demonstrate that they respect womankind as a whole... this is something of which we see less and less these days. In fact, we see rather more sentiments as the one above, which seem to portray women as nasty, shallow, superficial creatures trying to "have it both ways"... and I also see this echoed in the ways that men are portrayed by womens' comments on similar blogs.

In fact, I am very saddened to see both sexes trying to beat each other in their race to the lowest common denominator.

Chivalry, in its purest sense, should not be about treating a female as a lesser being, but showing her that she is cherished, as a representation of the Divine Goddess (don't laugh, people, I am being serious here).

That said, I would also love women to view themselves this way and to act accordingly. To respect themselves, to uphold their femininity, mystique and ability to be vulnerable and openness to their more tender sides. I know it's hard, as a women who exists in the corporate world where hardness seems more appreciated, with the ability to project independence seemingly paramount.

I would go so far as to flip this argument completely, and to say that it's like saying that female nurturing is inherently sexist. That a female's care and nurture of the special man in her life is about treating men as lesser beings, unable to take care of themselves. You see where I am going with this?

I am hoping for a return to a middle ground, where both sexes treat each other as both equals from a humankind perspective, but cherished for our differences... for our differences make up a stronger whole when added together.

Fill in the the blank: "Online dating is [blank]"

I lasted a week. Which is a pretty poor effort, I will concede.

I met up with one person, had phone conversations with another, and got to "online first base email conversations" with the rest.

Notwithstanding my very wise "Do's and Dont's" there was always something a little disconcerting about opening myself up to an undisclosed number of "anybodys" online and asking them to judge whether they'd like to date me.

As I said before, interest was high. But mine was not.

Not even for the comic material, I kind of felt sorry for some of the men who contacted me and within only a few emails were gushing about their affection towards me. Sincere or insincere? Desperate and needy? Lacking any social boundaries that you might display when meeting someone under "normal" (ie: non-date-expectation) settings?

Whatever the reason, my patience snapped when I got my final "kiss" from a man whose profile stated that his perfect partner "would love having sex with [him] for hours, and enjoy the sensual pleasures of [his] touch. Even when we are not having sex, we would bask together with each other in the afterglow."

Um.... riiiiiiight.

I appreciate that sex is a huge part of any relationship, but seriously...? Stating that on your profile? It just cemented the "ickiness" factor I had when venturing back into the online dating world.

So, that's it for me. I'm going back to the old-fashioned method of putting myself out there with people who are part of my 3D world.

It's so crazy, it just might work!

Impro vs stand-up

I fell in love with an old flame last night, his name was Impro.

I have been flirting with various forms for about two years now, short-form (otherwise known as Theatresports) and long form (various Harold formats, Armando and others that I don't have names for) and have also been a dedicated viewer of all the improv shows that have burst onto the Sydney scene in 2010 thanks to some very talented people.

I have also signed up to a stand-up comedy workshop that starts in October, and will either culminate in a grad show or a knock-kneed me appearing at an Open Mic session.

I don't have any experience to make the following comparisons between improv and stand-up, but my feeling towards improvising is that it keeps you very much in the moment. I enjoy being reminded to live in the moment. When it works, you feel like you are creating something of beauty that is completely ephemeral, much like a Buddhist monk creating a sand Mandala, only to brush it away after days of painstaking creation. I enjoy creating something ephemeral, and I also enjoy not knowing what might come next, but that trust in your fellow improvisors to go with an idea is extremely addictive.

Whereas stand-up comedy is all about the writing process (which I understand will be what this workshop is about), and the delivery. You can have great material but completely stuff it up on delivering the punchline, or your timing might be slightly off, and you don't get the laugh. It's also repeatable, and indeed some stand-up comics can continue re-using their best material over and over again and people will pay to see them as they are such funny comic executors.

One comment I have had about my delivery of other material is that I have "no pride". I don't think his comment meant that I schlepp around in trackie dacks and don't shower for days, but more that I don't care enough about what other people think of me to worry about looking foolish. Some of my best moments in real life that have led to comic opportunities have come from my embrace of looking foolish or doing foolish things. In fact, that is where I am mining my comedy routine's content from... things I probably shouldn't have done... but did anyway.

There's rather a lot of material, actually.

Improvising is also about delivery, but the pros call it "committing" to a scene or a character. It's more about the intent behind the "offer", than the actual delivery of that offer. I have seen some brilliant fellow improvisers that simply stand there and deliver their "offers" with complete deadpan faces, and still be side-splittingly funny. Whereas that schtick wears a little thin if you are stand-up comic, unless your material is absolutely BRILLIANT.

I am looking forward to getting back into improv, and will be doing shows again as of this week. However, I am hella nervous but also very excited to "learn" how to write comic material, and to hopefully be able to deliver it well.

It is a huge risk, but life is about risks. And I am looking forward to seeing whether I can pull it off.

You’re never fully dressed without a smile

Something that’s struck me as odd in this whole online dating caper is that a lot of people put up pictures of themselves in the most unbelievable contexts (some specific examples I have come across include: sitting in a helicopter, at work in a factory, standing beside unbelievably expensive-looking cars, at exotic locations presumably on exciting holidays, drinking wine at a bar) and yet not one of them is smiling. There is something... unfinished... about them.

For a wonderful song illustrating what I mean, click here.

I love people who smile. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what you look like, whether you believe you are attractive, homely, short, tall, well dressed, shabbily dressed, got make up on, going bare-faced… if you have a sincere smile on your face that shows whatever you are doing is enjoyable, then you will ALWAYS be appealing.

Try smiling. Right now. Put down this blog and do some grinning. I will be here when you get back.

Go on.

See? How do you feel now? I’ll bet you even feel happier already. And all you had to do was pull the muscles of your face outwards and show some teeth.

A big, happy grin on your mug makes you more approachable as well. People will believe you are more relaxed, easy going, and will be more willing to strike up a conversation with you. As I have found, multiple times IRL as well as online. Mind you, this also means I get approached by people who could be considered a little on the fringes of society, but that’s alright. As long as you are not offensive or harmful, I’ll talk to you.

But, show me a picture of someone who is looking deadpan and serious in EVERY SINGLE ONE of their photos and I am likely to say “no thanks”.

S’all I’m sayin’, people.

Date? Why thank you, I’ll take half a dozen.

So, I have ventured back to the world of online dating. I have done this a couple of times in the past, and run away screaming from the outcomes*. One date, as I recall, actually asked me not to blaspheme. Twice. Now, I wasn’t going Biblical on him, just saying something like “Oh good Lord!” in response to something interesting (or startling) he had just said. Another memorable date was the guy who asked me to wait for him at the pub while he did some market research to supplement his income… And I actually did... for 20 minutes. I do not kid, people. More shall be revealed about these dates in my upcoming comedy routine (do you like how I slipped in a plug there?)

*I didn’t actually run away screaming, because that would have been overly dramatic, but I did consider chewing off my arm during more than one date that was initiated via this medium.

“So, why”, I hear my erudite readers ask, “are you back online and running the risk of repeat experiences?”

I’ll be completely honest with you, because we're all friends here now! I have many male friends, but the last time I was actually on an actual, real, live date IRL** and not simply “hanging out” with mates was March 2010. Before that, it was October 2009. Before that… well let’s not dip into the realm of ancient history, or I might just fake-cry for sympathy.

**In Real Life, as we interwebby-denizens like to call the 3D experience our forebears once mistook for ACTUAL reality… you know, back in the days before all communications happened via email, Facebook or Twitter.

I will admit right up front, interest is high, but I am already having massive reservations about the whole thing. I am thinking it may just be the online equivalent to hanging a sandwich board on myself and standing in the middle of Australia Square, yelling into a megaphone “do you want some of this boys? Anyone? Any takers at all?”

In short, it doesn’t feel very classy. And the steps taken to getting to meet someone who you only know from a profile page, seem rather contrived. Not to mention, rushed. Whatever happened to taking one’s time to get to know someone before rushing into the “so what’s your phone number” question?***

***Some of my 3D friends don’t even have my phone number. It’s not because I don’t trust them, it’s simply not my preferred communication method. So why would I allow someone I have never met the ability to send thousands of text messages or calls per day?

So. Here is a list of my pros and cons of internet dating. Maybe by the end of this list, I will have convinced myself to go back to my garden-variety dateless way of life.

Pros
Opportunity to meet more people
You can rate someone's compatibility via their like/dislike lists
You have the ability to quickly search and find potential matches
You can quickly move on if bored

Cons
You actually have to meet more people
There are no guarantees of honesty
Time is needed to reply/evaluate/meet/repeat
I get bored easily

Hmmmmmm this isn't looking promising, but I'll stick with it for the time being. The problem is, if I am being honest with myself, that I can manage "all or nothing" situations very well. I have become really great at living a "good" single life, and I know I can be great as one half of a long-term committed couple. What I am not so good at is getting FROM one state to the other. I suck at dating and being wooed, and I also suck at break ups. (Which is probably why I don't have many exes in my current circle of friends.)

So, is internet dating going to help me get from single life to a relationship? Will time tell? Will I be patient enough to give it that time? Or will I be announcing the end of my profile days within days or weeks again, as I have before.

To keep me on the straight and narrow, I have compiled a list of Do's and Dont's in my approach to this whole shemozzle:

- Do have fun with it
- Don't take it all too seriously
- Do say "yes" to initial contact more often than I would IRL, give the guys a chance!
- Don't bow to pressure to reveal more than I would IRL (e.g. phone number)
- Do maintain control, have someone with me when initially meeting a prospective date
- Don't make the first date anything to do with a meal, coffee is fine for first impressions
- Do reserve the right to use any and all material in my stand-up routine, if dates should turn out as weird and wacky as past experiences
- Don't look gift horses in the mouth, if someone sounds wonderful, maybe he is
- Do give the benefit of the doubt
- Don't use boredom as an excuse to switch off, perserverence leads to great things

Coming out of the closet as a gay man

Warning: this blog is entirely tongue in cheek. If you ask me which cheek, I will merely grin and re-direct you to #9 on the list below.

I promised you tales of internet dating, stand-up comedy and random head thoughts.

This is a blog from behind Door Number 3.

It was triggered by a conversation I had this morning with my barista, who was nonplussed by an off-hand remark I made about being a “closeted gay man”.

Okay, I sense I am already confusing my readers and may need to back it up a little here. No pun intended. See? Already with the jokes.

Context: When a man starts chatting up a cute barista in a Surry Hills establishment, chances are he is of the mano-e-mano persuasion, and I am sure my gaydar was not off this morning as I assured my friend that he had definitely been cruised.

However, it cemented my realisation that, for some time, I have been closeted as a gay man, and that it’s time to emerge from the darkness and to wear my rainbow banner with pride.

Top 10 reasons why I could sometimes be mistaken as a gay man

1. I am clearly attracted to men (apologies to Brett, whose efforts to persuade me towards a life of Sapphic bliss, possibly for the benefit of entertaining him, have been met with stone cold indifference)
2. A large proportion of my inner circle are gay men
3. I know every showtune on the Broadway Top Hits of All Time
4. And can belt them out with flamboyance that would put Julian Clary to shame
5. I know who Julian Clary is
6. And most of his jokes
7. I have been involved in way too many conversations about “fancy love*” (a nod to Didey there, another closeted gay man if ever I met one…)
8. And have conversed loudly in public about it becoming an increasing trend
9. Double Entendre is my default conversation setting

Okay, so there were only 9 reasons. You will have to just toughen up, princess.

Oh yeah…

10. Underneath my very innocent, fresh-faced exterior lies the heart of a sarcastic bitch.

Any others that you can think of, feel free to add your own. I am sure others have been aware of my gay maleness for some time. Possibly even longer than myself.

*anal sex

25 Things You May Not Know About Me

Here is something just to whet your appetite for those of you who have rushed up to the front of the class, your backs straight, eyes gleaming and bright with anticipation, all facing forward with your complete attention on "Miss" up the front.... all the while "Miss" is looking more and more nervous as she actually has accumulated a larger audience than anticipated and didn't plan this far in advance other than vague blog ideas in her head to hit the ground running with in two days time.

So... here's something for all you eager squirrels (I would have used an animal that rhymes with "eager" but I'm not set to "private" yet... and wouldn't want the politesse police parolling my puns with the purpose of proposing perdition upon my person...)

It's a little old, copied and pasted straight from a Facebook survey I did over 18 months ago. Some points are changed to reflect updated attitudes.

25 Things You May Not Know About Me - February 2, 2009

1. I think karma takes care of a lot so I tend not to worry about what other people are doing. I try to look at each challenge or unpleasant experience as a lesson, and I believe forgiveness is the key to happiness.

2. I still struggle with the above.

3. I have always been a passionate participant in social-based networking websites, the first one that I joined was H2G2, a site that was co-created by the legendary Douglas Adams. It was based loosely from the concept of his “Guide” from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series.

4. I used to be a confirmed adventure gamer, with addictions to Myst, Riven, Starship Titanic and Infocom text-based games like Zork.

5. I have lived in Sydney all my life, but have travelled quite a fair bit, courtesy of my previous jobs that sent me globetrotting. My favourite city is Paris.

6. I’m actually quite shy. No really, I am! Why are you looking at me like that?

7. I believe in all forms of God, Buddha, Yaweh, Allah, but don’t follow a particular flavour of religion.

8. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice.

9. I love all forms of the colour red, including the pinks down at the “girlier” end of the scale. Red to me represents life, blood, passion, security, drive and love.

10. I often walk along in my own little dream world. I can often block out everyone when I’m spaced out. If I’ve appeared to have ignored you and you think I’ve snubbed you, please forgive me!

11. I love all kinds of people who could be considered “quirky”. I love people who exude passion for what they do, believe in, talk about, etc.

12. I like to entertain people. When people around me are laughing or smiling, I feel good.

13. I always said I wanted to be a doctor when I was little. I’m not sure why.

14. One thing I can say about my life is that it hasn’t been dull! Last year I went a little overboard on the activities but I had both energy and time to kill again, so decided to get it all done! This year, I’m just focusing on just a few things Please note, I didn't focus on just a few things, I still killed myself with activities. I can't say I have learned how to stop this trend in 2010, either...

15. My worst fear: missing out

16. One of my wishes as a kid was to read all the books in the world. I wish they’d stop publishing, as it’s hard to keep up!

17. I wish I were more patient. With situations, others, and more importantly, myself.

18. I am a complete techno geek deep down, but seem to break my computers and gadgets on a regular basis!

19. I agree with Paulo Coehlo, that when you truly want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it.

20. I love all food, wine, and song. I am a passionate adherent to the pleasure principle. Hence, my focus this year on health and fitness Again, this always seems to be a focus... I wonder when I will feel like I have actually accomplished something in this area

21. I belong to an awesome family, who I unfortunately don’t get to see much of these days. This, I have to say, has changed somewhat *large grin*

22. I very often get the feeling that I have no idea what on earth I am doing.

23. I do not like dating one iota, it always seems contrived to me. When I fall in love, I’m “all-in” and THEN some, so I get rather disillusioned when that isn’t returned and tend to go back to my cave for quite a while. oh this is going to be fun...

24. I realise the last point is not a sign of a balanced personality. But hey, I never promised balance, just because I am a Libran .

25. I prefer hot weather to cold

Hello again... is it me you're looking for?

I'm back, and I'm blogger-trigger-finger-ready!

I have lots to say, given the months I have been away from the blogosphere. But... here's the catch. I will be hiding this blog in a couple of days for privacy reasons. If you would like to be invited to read my updates, please send me your email address and I will subscribe you!

You will apparently need to login, but if you aren't sure what to expect, and think that subscribing is all a little too hard, here's a few upcoming blogs floating around in my brain, dying to scratch their way out, which may be worth putting the extra effort into remembering another login detail.

1. Internet dating. Why I have steered clear in the past, why I am considering a return, the pros and cons of meeting people online and the do's and don'ts of approaching it.

2. Stand-up comedy. Why improv comedy has been put aside for my venture into a world where writing and delivery is everything, where getting it wrong can cause excruciating pain, but getting it right can give you wings.

3. Observations, musings and wonderings about life in general. You've seen the short versions on Facebook and Twitter, now probe more deeply behind the random thought processes of an oft-time status update poster.

It's entirely up to you, dear friends. Enter at your peril.

Mwuahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!