Hello darkness my old friend

Okay, confession time. I'm not having a great time. In fact, I'm feeling very very down and have been since the end of November. I'm coming to grips with a loss that is hard to come to grips with, and I have the feeling it will be this way for a very long time.

But I should know by now that nothing lasts forever, even feeling bad.

So I am trying, in my own way, to cope with these feelings. I get my Pollyanna on. I get positive, I become my own cheerleader. I try to look for the positive, I try to look for the love where I haven't noticed it before, because it feels like I've lost it. It's always this way, when this happens.

I am hoping that at some stage the "fake it till you make it" will work and I will start feeling genuinely joyful again.

I've been here so many times before it's almost a well-worn rug now. I know every threadbare trail where I have plodded up and down, up and down, processing and thinking.

My problem is that I have genuinely tried everything before, to get myself back to "what makes me happy". I joined a Gospel Choir, I have done improv comedy, stand up comedy, I tried music, going to live gigs, I hang out with family and friends, I've tried solitude and meditation, I've tried kinesiology to unwrap emotions, I have done psychic spiritual development, I've written blogs, read other peoples' blogs, I've thrown myself into various jobs, I've seen a life coach.... now I'm training like a mofo and throwing myself into the healthy living option (choose life!).

I honestly can't see what will get me through this dark patch. I'm restless, wondering, and the only cure for what ails me is the problem itself. A bit like a nicotine addiction.

I thought I would feel a lot better than I do by now.

What the *bleep* is wrong with me?

Finding the strawberry

Some years ago I got a great piece of advice that is meant to be used when life seems so dark and bleak that you struggle to find any good in it. I really liked the concept, it's called "finding the strawberry in each day".

That is, the one thing that stands out as a bright point. It could be that even if it's a monumentally hot day (like today) at least it's not raining! The sun is shining!

In other words, finding the good side to every situation.

My strawberry came when I collected a parcel from the Post Office for a friend. I had paid for 10 minutes of parking, thinking I would only be in and out in a jiffy. The collection took 20 minutes, as the staff were looking under the firstname rather than surname. I got increasingly frustrated and impatient. Parking inspectors in this area are ruthless, and I had already gone 10 minutes outside my parking ticket time! Hopping from one foot to the other, I started worrying whether I had even locked the car! Do you also find that once something goes wrong, your mind can invent another 78 other things going wrong (imagined or real)? So then I imagined not only getting a parking ticket, but the very next minute thieves taking off with the car. Worse, it's not even my car! Is it insured for theft? What about when the silly person who borrows the car forgets to lock it, does that invalidate the insurance? Oh my god, how can I afford to replace the stolen uninsured car (which also happens to be a Mercedes Compressor CLC.... very expensive!)

The package was found.

The car was there.

Locked.

No ticket.

Thank you for my strawberry :)

Self-love and finances

In keeping with my NY Resolution, this year I am looking for the love in every day. How I can show it, or feel it.

Today I showed myself love by deleting someone's contact details from my phone and backups that had become an obsession for me. This relationship** has been costing me a lot both financially and emotionally and what started out bringing clarity to my life has ended up being a source of confusion and doubt.

Time to go. I have finally let go of this crutch, and although it's scary, I have found deeper strength and faith in my own counsel.

Lesson for the day: what will be, will be. Don't push it, don't seek answers when you already have them, and learn to trust that inner voice that says "you already know".

**UPDATE: I've had people ask a few times, so I will clarify. No, this was not a romantic relationship. It was someone I got counselling/advice from. Sometimes you just need to trust in your own inner wisdom.

Love, love, love

Be the Change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Ghandi

Welcome 2012!

I have not made any resolutions this year that involve an action, goal or purpose. Instead I resolve to be the Change I wish to see in the world. 

I wish to see Love. I wish to see others loving themselves more wholly. I wish to see people being kind, considerate, compassionate and above all more loving towards each other.

So I am starting with myself. I resolve to love myself more wholly. I wish to extend that self-love to others and to create more love in my life and in the lives of those that I encounter. I wish to embody love, live it, breathe it, inhale and exhale it, learn from it, grow from it and bloom from the love that will emanate from my every pore.

Whether that be in my relationships, the way I treat my body, myself, my spirit and my mind, this can only lead to growth and happiness.

I have made mistakes. We all have. I absolve myself and others of mistakes. I do not judge myself or others. I look through a lens of love and see that pain is only a way of telling me where I need to focus my attention. This year, I need to focus it 100% on my heart.

Happy New Year, I hope very much to see each and every one of you realise your dreams and fulfil your desires.

Love Natasha.

Daily gratitude

I have been putting something back into practice this week that I had forgotten about for a while, focusing on what I have, rather than what I don't have, with the twist that I have been treating myself in the way that I long to be treated by a partner/lover.

A practice in daily gratitude, in other words.

It has really helped me to re-frame how I view my life, which as it turns out, is pretty damn fabulous!

Lately I have felt like I have been missing out on the things that those in relationships have, things like romantic dinners, cuddles, conversations, support, love, etc, etc.

So instead of feeling glum about not having one of those things, each time I've felt the need to do something like that, I've given it to myself as a gift instead. I took myself out to a romantic dinner, and took photos of each scrumptious dish as it arrived, shared it on Twitter, had a bit of a conversation with those that replied, then lost myself in my book, enjoying every single moment and every delightful interaction with the owners of that little family-run restaurant.

I've met new people at Christmas events and given myself the gift of recognising how I was the one they sought out to meet, and how much they enjoyed my company and conversation. Yes, I allowed myself to see that. It was an eye opener. Instead of waiting for a compliment from a partner to point out how my company is enjoyed, I gave that gift to myself.

I can say with total conviction that I feel supported in every way in my life at the moment. And isn't that a fabulous way to feel? Conversely, I feel my support so much more appreciated and gratitude has been my reward.

Seriously? No, I mean SERIOUSLY???

So. Facebook. We all knew what we were getting into, surely?

We were NOT being asked to fork over our hard earned, and even though guarantees were made about our privacy *snigger*, should we REALLY have been so naive as to imagine that the social networking site (amongst others) was NOT ever going to use the masses of data we willingly and ovine-ly (that's sheep-like) turned over in gazillo-Bytes to Mr Zuckerberg and Co?

I mean. Come ON.

And now, the public hue and cry goes out. Latest news article here, in which, and I quote the article verbatim (although I don't know whether this quotes the hapless US congressmen verbatim {I mean, what we read in this day and age is never going to be 100% accurate with no bias whatsoever})

"... two US congressman ... argu[ed] in a latter (sic) that when users log out of Facebook they are under the impression that Facebook is no longer monitoring their activities and “this impression should be reality”

I mean..... SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?

Are we so naive to think that if we have an impression of "the way the world works" that the world should magically re-engineer itself to suit our "reality"?

Am I on a planet of my own to think this attitude is particularly naive?

I mean, let's apply that principle to something else.

I am under the impression that I am a good person, and that shitty things should not happen to me, and "this impression should be reality".

Nope. Kinda doesn't work, does it.

How about this.

The 16th Century Church was under the impression that the Earth was the most important thing in the Universe, as we were created by God, and so the Sun should revolve around us, rather than the other way around like some pesky man called Galileo kept insisting, and hence Galileo should be excommunicated placed under house arrest in order that "this impression should be reality".

Ahhhhhh now I see the flaw in this assumption we have all been carrying around - that Facebook exists for OUR convenience, and not the other way around.

Windows to the soul

I was just reading this lovely post The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul from one of my favourite websites The Daily Love and I realised something uncomfortable about myself.

I don't make prolonged eye contact with anyone. Not even friends or family. Sure, I look into people's eyes, but only briefly and sporadically while holding a conversation with them. Certainly never in silence. Certainly never to connect deeply and meaningfully.

I find eye contact very very unnerving. You could say I have had a gutful of keeping my heart open, because of the sheer volume of times it has been torn in moments of extreme vulnerability. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this makes me anything special, I know every single person on the planet has probably the same feeling as me in this regard.

But I am ashamed to realise that I have allowed this to stop me from connecting with even those that I love and trust and who haven't hurt me.

Even thinking about doing this, even as an experiment as Samantha has, terrifies me.

But I am going to try.

For the upcoming long weekend I am taking myself "away from it all" to a beach location, where I intend to do a lot of meditation, exercise and connection with myself. However, inspired by this blog post, I think I will throw in a little connection with others as well.

Serenity Prayer

I very much need to keep this prayer close at hand right now.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

An exercise in gratitude

I had a thought this morning as I was on the treadmill, waiting for my trainer to make the next half an hour of my life a living hell.... I wasn't looking forward to it, and then suddenly my mind said "Tash, you're going about this the wrong way. You should be grateful that you are here." and an interesting conversation ensued.

Tash's normal inner voice: Huh?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Well, I've noticed you do this a lot. You look at the negative side of the situation rather than focus on the positive.

Tash's normal inner voice: So what should I be doing about the times I feel uncomfortable, lonely or sad? Should I pretend I am not feeling those things?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: No, of course not, you know how badly that goes. You end up suppressing those emotions and getting anxious. But, I have an idea on how you can transform those uncomfortable situations.

Tash's normal inner voice <sarcastically>: This should be good.

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Why not practice a moment of gratitude? When you feel physically uncomfortable from being asked to run longer and faster than you think you are capable of, why not think how grateful you are to be able to run at all. Or grateful that you can run further than last week, and grateful for the changes you can already feel in your body?

Tash's normal inner voice: Will that help?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: It can't hurt, surely. Try it for a week and see how you feel. Oh, and it applies to any situation. For example, when you feel sad that you still are not with 'The One', why not practice gratitude for the time you have been given to focus 100% on yourself, and say a moment of "thanks Universe, for my continued licence to be selfish".... [inner voice winks at this point.... I don't know how it did this, but it did]

Tash's normal inner voice: And what else?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Well, every time you feel overwhelmed at work, or when the day is dragging and you have to do something that has to be done, rather than what you want to do, why not stop and thank the Universe that you have a great job with wonderful bosses and co-workers, in a safe and clean and healthy environment where your life is not being threatened.... you know, things that we all take for granted in our priveleged lives...

Tash's normal inner voice: Oh come on, now you're trying to make me feel guilty...

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Maybe a little.... there is a little bit of demon in every angel on your shoulder and vice versa.... now get off the treadmill and go and do the BEST 30 minute PT session you have done yet!

Tash's normal inner voice: HELL YEAH!!!

Spring cleaning my mind

It occurred to me this week as I seriously geared up my training several notches, that I need a spring clean of my attitude.

I CAN do this.

I have done it before.

I needn't worry that I am not fit enough, because I AM doing it. Right now! I am training 6 times per week, I have a trainer who pushes me 3 times per week, and I do classes where I get pushed even further than I have before.

I have dragged myself to the pool on a wintry cold morning and done my 20 laps. I've already DONE it, so what is stopping me from continuing to do it?

I have a BHSG (big hairy scary goal) in front of me, but I know I can do it, if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other each day, and focus on that day, not the entire 9 weeks ahead of me.

I will be writing up my BHSG on a piece of paper with a picture of how I will look at the end of it (if I can find one of me at the weight I am aiming for...)

I will also be putting up the prize of $5,000 that my gym has on offer for the national winner of the challenge. If the prize of looking and feeling better doesn't motivate me some mornings, I am sure that big ol' bag of money will.....

(Sad, but true)

So..... deep breath (smells the metaphorical jasmine scent in the Spring air)..... let's totally smash this sucker!