i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

By E. E. Cummings

Happiness is a state of mind

Happiness is a state of mind.

What does this actually mean? I've spent the last half a decade trying to nut that sentence out in a practical sense.

What usually influences our state of mind? Normally, it's where we live, our lifestyle, our relationships, our possessions, our holidays, our careers, our goals.

But...

Happiness is not a location - that's geography.

Happiness is not having cool stuff - that's possession.

Happiness is not a career - that's occupation.

Happiness is not a relationship - that's co-dependence (if it's unhealthy) or inter-dependence (if it's healthy) or community (if it's not a personal relationship).

Happiness is not a lifestyle - that's an illusion.

Happiness is not money - that's security.

Happiness is not holidays - that's leisure.

Happiness is not goals - that's achievement.

All of these things can have an affect on your happiness as they affect your state of mind when you assign value to them and then compare what you have to your perceived ideal life, but they are not, in themselves, bearers of happiness.

These things come down to what you value in life. Is that money, love, security, achievement, location, occupation or leisure? Once you acknowledge and understand what value you assign to these things you can then start to unlock what affects your state of mind, and therefore happiness levels.

Looking at the first sentence again, there is a keyword in it that often gets overlooked.

State

What state your mind is in determines happiness. I can have exactly the same set of circumstances yesterday that I have today, on the laundry list above. But one day I can feel happy and the next, unhappy. It can be as simple as coming into contact with someone who is at a stage of life that I think I should be at, and all of a sudden my mind makes a value judgement "why them and not me?" and instantly sets up a basis for discontentment. It can be a trigger or just a mood or maybe a chemical reaction within my body that sets it off. I can choose to re-balance this through being aware of my thoughts, adjusting my mood, or taking medication if I have a more serious and ongoing issue with the chemical imbalance within my brain.

I also believe happiness is a choice, You can choose to view your circumstances as affecting your overall quality of life, and be happy anyway, whether those meet your set of ideals or not. Or you can choose to view your circumstances as not meeting your ideals, and try and change a few of those.

Or you can choose to simplify your quest for happiness by reprogramming your values on the lists of things you think make you happy, and de-emphasise their impact on your happiness by bringing your awareness back to your state of mind in any situation. That's what I have chosen to do in many cases where I find myself very unhappy, and it usually works.

No energy to worry

I am a worrier. The world's very best, in fact. Until I reached the point where I realised I had no more energy to worry. At all. That point hit me over the weekend in the middle of some hectic preparations for my dad's 70th birthday celebration. I simply stopped having the energy to worry.

I smiled.

And laughed along with him shaking his cereal that morning.

"Shake rattle and roll" he joked, and laughed, and I stopped what I was doing and laughed. Really laughed from my belly, our eyes met and they twinkled with joy. And he laughed some more, and we shared this wonderful moment of really enjoying his cereal mixing routine.

So. That's it. Solution reached. I just wore myself out of worry, eventually. Nice!

I probably will be a recidivist reformed worrywort, and that's okay too.

I'm not gonna worry about it.

;)

Fire

A fire burns bright and hot that draws all to its flame. It burns of its own accord, wild and unchecked and untamable.

Those unafraid can redirect towards a higher purpose. Those who quake are consumed.

All are attracted, it warms, it inspires, it lights the way. But not all understand, wise enough to know not to control or repress.

Those ought to watch from a distance and move on once satisfied with the spectacle. Eternal spectators.

Burn, baby, burn.

On being "difficult"

I read a column this morning in the Daily Life on Germaine Greer's encouragement of women to be more "difficult". And it got me thinking.

Away from my long-held obsession to be "in a relationship" (any relationship, doesn't matter what kind, so long as I'm not dundundunnnnnnn SINGLE), along with distance and perspective, comes the comfortability within myself enough to embrace the concept of being "difficult".

Oh, yes.

I have been labelled "difficult" from many sources. It's sometimes wrapped up in the guise of another word or description, but I will come out of the closet, loud and proud, and embrace all these words and phrases that slap a big ol' "D" for difficult on my chest.

I used to think being "difficult" meant I was limiting my chances for a normal, settled, happy life. I have heard phrases that tell me I am inhibiting a whole wide world market for men out there that would be able to "deal" with me (and my "difficult" way of thinking).

"You think too much"
"I don't get you"
"You're weird sometimes"
"You're too intense"
"Can we just stop talking about <insert subject at hand>?"
<insert blank look or radio silence at something I've said>
"I wish you hadn't told me that" (in relation to my other life, trying to help them understand why I think or react the way that I do)
"I'm out"

Even before I had a really full-on life experience like the one I have been blogging about, not to mention a few other hairy and gnarly relationships that really knocked me around and made me look more closely at myself, others, and life in general, I was considered "eccentric". I burned with a light of curiosity and eagerness to know stuff. I wanted to read every book in the world (age 8). I actually liked going to school to learn stuff (not for the social side). I hated to do things wrong, and I'd do everything in my power to watch the experts and emulate them in what they did. I used to watch my elders intently to work out the secret of growing up more quickly so I could get on with the business of being ME without having to conform to someone else's ideas of who ME was. My mother can attest to how challenging I was all through my growing-up phases. Possibly even still.

Difficult. Me.

Difficult because I want to be free to be ME. Fully. Completely. No compromising.

So, here is why I am so difficult. I am saying all of this with the benefit of hindsight and perspective from about 6.5 years of trying to work out why I behave the way I do.

1. I don't tolerate bullshit
2. I relentlessly seek the truth in all situations, even within my own self
3. I don't put up with assclownery
4. I ask the hard questions in relationships now, and of myself
5. I give enough rope for people to prove me wrong in all of the above, but keep it short
6. Once I have seen the truth in something, I can't allow myself to deny having seen it
7. I like to discuss it all. Life, the universe, everything.
8. I read, a lot of challenging things, to all my opinions. Sometimes I can be *gasp* wrong.
9. I talk about what I read
10. I try to be 100% myself, in all situations

I see things differently about my so-called "difficult" nature, past, baggage, personality, thought processes, willingness to get to the bottom of the truth of things... I don't see it now as something to be ashamed of or to try and hide away. In fact, nowadays I present it almost as the first thing people see. If they don't like it, they don't like it. It's a wonderful qualification tool.

If I tried to be anything different, I'd make myself miserable. And that's just not sustainable for anyone.

I see it as liberating me from the wrong people. I am who I am. And anyone that finds that difficult can just keep on moving right along!

I embrace my Diffi-cult-ness.

Selfish. Can we think of a better word?

I was told recently that I am "selfish".

Instantly my hackles got up at this. What? Me selfish? How dare they... I'm not selfish!

[Cried my ego]

Then I thought about it. I AM selfish. My life is predominantly "Tash"-focused, and I don't really have to consider others in my overall life plans (for the most part). I also know exactly who my"self" is. I have always known this. I also know exactly what my"self" wants, and what it doesn't want. And I'm not willing to compromise it.

I guess that could all be seen as "selfish" to others.

However, what I was initially reacting to was the overall negative connotation that being "selfish" always brings up. It seems like such a nasty, small-minded, self-serving thing to be. But I actually think being selfish gets a really bad rap. Of course we all need to be considerate of others, compassionate, have empathy. But sometimes wouldn't it be good for us all to be a little more "selfish".

The immediate person that comes to mind is the self-sacrificing mother who always puts her broods' needs before hers, draining her "self" of nurturing, and ending up grumpy, snappish, and lacking a sense of humour or perspective. Wouldn't it be a good thing for her to engage in little random acts of selfishness? Wouldn't that bring a little joy to her day, and fill her emotional cup... if mum is happy, then everyone is happy?

And how about the family man, toiling away in a job he doesn't particularly love bringing home the bacon for his brood. Building up anger and resentment that his dreams and passions have been sacrificed. Would it not bring a little harmony if he were allowed to be a little selfish and take time out for things he loves to do?

In fact, anyone who is finding themselves continually putting the needs of others before their own, should balance the scales and practice a little selfishness.

There needs to be a balance between selfless and selfish. But I feel that selfless seems to have a better rep in this world, people admire those who are selfless. Whereas "selfish" seems to be a quality that people use to attack someone when they see them doing something they don't agree with, or maybe it's jealousy that they don't feel they could act that way in their self-interest?

It is possible for someone to be selfish and have great compassion and empathy for others. In fact, I will go one step further and say that it is necessary TO be selfish to allow yourself to fully allow yourself to feel compassion and empathy for others, because you have already taken care of your emotional needs.

Your thoughts?

It's not always about me, and it's not always about you

I have started to really understand something more clearly since removing my head out of my ass, relationship-wise...

[Sidenote: boy, it's refreshing to be out of there. The air is sweeter, you can breathe properly, and things don't look so dark.]

[Apologies: to those who find the whole "head up own ass" analogy to be unpalatable.]

It's not always about me. And, in another really interesting version of that, it's not always about you.

From writing my experiences about my marriage, I've really come to realise how much head-ass action was going on. My head was up my own ass, and when it wasn't there I was busy poking my nose into O.P.P. (other peoples' problems), in other words, letting myself get involved in other peoples' heads being up their own asses, really it's any wonder I had a single clear thought at all with all that focus on the other end of our anatomy.

I joke. But there's a really interesting lesson in it for me.

When I'm not busy overblowing my own importance in this world, things seem to calm down a lot internally. My anxiety takes a hike and I learn to love the silences, and even the longer gaps "between drinks at Ye Olde Relationship Watering Hole."

What about this. What if I'm never meant to be part of another couple. Ever. Again. Wow. I said it. What if that were my destiny. I can, for the first time, say that fear out loud, without it bringing up sadness, regret or jealousy for what I see others having that I feel "I deserve to have".

What if that was it. The end. Well. I am still a fully functioning adult, for the most part. I still contribute. I still feel. I still love. I still have an impact on the world, no matter how small or large.

I deserve to be here.

And here is the other thing. When I'm not overblowing the significance or importance that others (I mean specifically in a relationship sense) have on my life and "story", I get even more calm and less anxious. Because, what if they were never the right ones for me in the first place. What if I had been projecting far more importance and significance on them from a place of my own needs wanting to be met. What if they were just another person, getting on in life to the best of their ability, doing the stuff that they do and not really understanding how much impact they were having on me, because of my own head-up-own-ass activities.

It's not always about me. And it's not always about you.

It's liberating.

More Shit My Dad Says

I stumbled over a list of sayings I had already started compiling from what my dad says. This is Part II of a series.

1. Who’s the greatest, and why am I?

2. Money talks, but it always says goodbye to me.

3. Don’t debate the issue.

4. I’ll just get a sharp piece of paper and a pencil.

5. I’m always in the shit, it’s just the depth that varies.

6. There’s no such thing as bad [insert food here], just varying degrees of perfection.

7. That’s for starters, now where’s dinner?

8. I was older when I was your age..(taller, heavier, etc)

When I Grow Up...

When I Grow Up, I want to be:

1. A doctor
2. A writer
3. Independent

I have (sort of) accomplished these things.

I completed my Cert IV in kinesiology, which is not allopathic by any stretch of the imagination, it's an energetic modality. For those who hate the words "energetic" and "modality" I was once one your kind. Until I experienced the benefits myself from an extreme place of depression, anxiety and general poor health and stress levels. I learned an incredible amount about the human body from a physical perspective, and also the psychology and emotional attachments we place on events in our lives, that have a direct effect on our health and wellbeing, as well as our ability to recover from stress.

I have been a journalist, and a published IT market analyst. But I've not (yet) been published as an author of a piece of work I could call my very own. I'm working on that right now, and there are a whole lot of ideas that have been crowding my brain for decades that are now pushing their way out of my mind and through my typing fingers. I am on a pretty big ride at the moment, writing about a pretty intense part of my life. I have been told I'm a good writer, and that people are now hooked on each installment. This gives me a lot of hope and is spurring me to keep going. I think I've always been a writer. In denial.

I also have a sneaking suspicion this book could help people in a very real way, which is inspiring my sense of purpose and meaning in my life. Something I've felt to be missing for a very long time.

I am not independent at the moment in the sense that I live with my family. However, I am free of any relationship dramas. I am free of any non-relationship bullshit. And I'm independently seeking my way back to my authentic self. The self that I happen to know rocks pretty hard. One day I'll spread my wings and fly the coop again, and I look forward to regaining total independence once more.

This is me.

All growed up.

What's the difference?

What is the difference between feeling depressed, or just feeling generally shitty with life?

I definitely don't think I'm depressed anymore, I've had way too many signs lately that I'm actually enjoying stuff I used to enjoy, I'm writing again, I have a goal, which is giving it meaning. Each day is not simply going through the motions, but actually planning a little more, forward thinking and connecting with people at home, at work, in general.

But I still don't feel joyful or happy. I just feel.... shitty with life.

I am okay with this feeling, in the spirit of just feeling my feelings...... so.... what? ... I'm feeling a little jacked off with my life and circumstances... doesn't mean anything, yeah?

I was at a marketing and networking event this afternoon, and I met quite a few of my former colleagues from my life as a journo. I started feeling homesick for that time of my life, I started glorifying the hard slog, the incredible frustrations of pulling a news story or feature together, the deadlines, the juggling multiple interests of publishers, editors and ad reps... That's the other thing that I've noticed lately. I've become mega nostalgic. Seems that ANY time in my past has a rose coloured tint, and I look back on it with a sigh, thinking "that was truly the happiest time of my life"

What gives?

Most of the time, I was trying to get further up the career ladder or getting frustrated with my paycheck, or wanting to move somewhere else.

The grass is always greener, eh?

But here was another thought as I drove home with the peak hour traffic, reminiscing fondly about that very same route I drove from between North Sydney to Parramatta every day right after the most difficult time of my life. If I can now reminisce about THAT period as being so effing great, there is something seriously wrong with how I am viewing my life RIGHT NOW!

I know I have committed to where I am at for at least this year. But seriously, folks, if I have to feel this way about it, there must be something wrong, right?