To be or not to be

I love the movie What Dreams May Come... and I never realised its title came from the famous, beautiful and self-examining soliloquy from Shakespeare's Hamlet. The soliloquy examines the very nature of choosing a continued existence and how, in our darkest moments, we often question either consciously or unconsciously why we continue to battle the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

For my 37th birthday this year I purchased for myself a gift. It was a black and white line painting of the death of Ophelia. It is both beautiful and disturbing, and each time I look at it I am reminded of how precious life is and how that decision to continue is such an important one.

William Shakespeare - To be, or not to be (from Hamlet 3/1)

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

I.R.L.

I have a wonderful concept for a sitcom. I won't divulge all the details here, cos, frankly, I want to monetise it (isn't that both a beautiful and horrible word at the same time... it incorporates the best and worst of creativity and word-hijacking I've seen to date, but I can't seem to avoid using it... or if I used my least favourite word EVER, "utilising" it.... GAH.... I appear to have digressed...)

So my sitcom idea is based on the concept that none of us have "real" lives anymore. We all seem to exist in cyber-space, and sometimes those identities merge with real life, other times they don't.

And the ensusing complications and hijinx that entails.

Ahhh.... what the world needs now... is another sitcom.

THERE IS A POINT TO THIS BLOG, WAIT FOR IT!

So, last night I met yet another friend "in real life" that I met via my online world, namely Twitter. My worlds had collided yet again. I love it when that happens. It is like a little mini-proof that I am not JUST a Netizen, but a real live human being that can still relate F2F (that's Face To Face for non-Netizens).

I recently did an audit of my Facebook friends, to see how many I met via online channels as opposed to real life meetings. Twenty. That's 20 friends I would not have met otherwise, as we live such distances from each other that we could ONLY have met online.

However, last night was different. Last night a met someone that appears to be the spitting image of me, metaphorically speaking. We both live in Surry Hills. We seem to share a brain, according to the comments we will simultaneously dish out at a rate of knots (we both LURVE talking). We share a similar vintage. We are both, as a mutual friend and cafe-owner insisted when he suggested we would get along "like a house on fire", faghags. We move in similar circles, in fact it was suggested last night that it's surprising we didn't have any friends in common on Facebook... a theory which proved only a degree of separation exists from that when she mentioned a friend who I have mutual friends with (am I losing you now, dear readers?)

Never mind. It all makes sense to me. The upshot is that our virtual worlds and real worlds are now colliding in ways that both surprise and terrify me. For someone who is both so willing to be 100% myself with anyone, and share to the point of over-sharing, I am also fiercely protective of my "real" information. The so-called "real" me. But... you have to wonder... has that already been taken from me with my long history of social networking use, which dates back to H2G2 days before it was owned by the BBC?

The perfect "non" relationship

I made a sly comment on my previous brief blog about having met someone special. I thought I should elaborate on that, as I realise that was the equivalent of a blog "hit and run"!

As you all know I have been waiting a very very long time to meet a special person. Someone who is, not necessarily perfect, but perfect for me.

So... he has finally come along. And to my complete surprise and delight, he is not at all interested in a traditional relationship, much in the same way that I am not, but compeletely understands intimacy (emotional as well as...), mutual respect and support.

I once wrote about this on a former blog, which detailed my search for something real and meaningful, which didn't necessarily mean living in someone else's pockets 24/7. It spoke of my longing to meet someone who understood that we could both maintain separate, independent lives, but also have a close emotional bond built through mutual respect and interdependence.

And so it seems that this friendship has developed into something resembling my fantasy! Here is my Renaissance man (if he took it into his head to built a rocket and fly to the moon I have no doubts that he would), and he completely secure in himself to allow me to be myself, to be fabulous without worrying it will take something from him, to allow me to continue my scarily busy lifestyle I have become accustomed to without guilt, and come together when we both have chances in our schedules which we both agree feels like magic in every way.

And yet, neither of us feels the need to obsess, dominate or grasp at each other like there is no such thing as tomorrow. We text and call when we get the chance during our busy days. We catch up when we can. We sometimes take turns "staying over", but return to our very comfortable and happily separate residences when we have filled up with the happiness cup in each others' company.

I am looking forward to doing all the things we have talked about together. I am looking forward to the future again, which is amazing.

I thank the universe for delivering a wonderful partnership, or "match of equals", to me after such a long wait and after so many prayers.

Thank you.

Cobwebs? This blog haz dem

Long time, no blog. Lately things have been off-the-hook busy.

I was in Hong Kong last week, for one thing. It was great, but this week I face the piles of neglected work and clients.

I also am in a very good place right now. I have recently made a very special new friend which is lovely and unexpected.

I am happy.

Thanks for all your support of late, you know who you all are :)

Hobbies R Us

I'm on the verge of a new hobby, I can feel it.

It makes me want to catalogue all the hobbies I have pursued in my entire life so that I can see the time, effort, money and equipment I have purchased and subsequently discarded when the next "shiny new toy" came along...

Should make for interesting reading.

1. Piano - age 5 to 18. Equipment: one piano. Hourly lessons weekly, one hour practice daily (theoretically), theory and practical exames yearly Time invested: 5,447 hours

2. Italian lessons - age 6 to 12. 2 hourly lessons weekly, one pageant annually. Time invested: 630 hours

3. Trampolining - age 12 to 14. Weekly lessons, regular competitions. Time invested: 104 hours

4. Linnet Girls Choir - age 14 to 17. Weekly 3 hour practice sessions. 2-week Japan and Hong Kong tour. Regular concerts and Eisteddfords each year. Time invested: 894 hours

4. Motorbike riding - on and off from age 12 to the present. 2 x Honda CB250s, Honda Hornet 600 and Honda CBR600F, complete with leathers, wet weather gear, travelling equipment, various after-market parts such as Pazzo racing levers, tinted screens and Staintune exhausts... Multiple trips and multiple biker clubs.

5. Surf boat rowing - one summer during uni.

6. Skiing, rollerskating, snowboarding, surfing and skateboarding... various times and ages in life, never invested in gear, but did many many lessons in all of them, or just hung out at skating parks

7. Improvisational comedy - been doing this for over 2 years now, have done levels 1, 2, 3, and 4 (long form), performed in various shows and done numbers one-day workshops with Bill Arnett (Second City), Cale Bain (Toronto improv), Ed Iliades, and Jason R. Chin.

8. Stand up comedy - just started a workshop.

9. Roller derby - just starting out... this could get expensive with not only skates, pads, helmet, but also the various costumes those girls wear... not to mention time invested in coming up with a cool Roller derby name...

In short, I've done a lot of things (some I haven't bothered listing, as they come and go so quickly) and I enjoy doing a lot of things.

Life's too short to be bored.

Mojo facelift

Right, bugger this for a lark, the recent R U OK promotions have given me a new found honesty, and I'm gonna come right out and say it.

I am currently suffering from anxiety and depression. I am struggling with the big fat "why is life worth it" question again of late. I have a lot of negative self-talk going on at the moment, and I am buggered if I know how to deal with it, as it's the same old questions turning over in my head, making me feel worthless as though I am a big fake, defrauding my loved ones into thinking I am this amazing person, when in my own head I am spiralling. I have been here before, I don't want to be here now, and I have limited resources to deal with it when I find myself here, which is why I tend to withdraw from real life and just exist online (Facebook, Twitter, blogging) as it takes less energy to fake it till you make it (in cyberspace, no-one can see you scream).

I don't get this all the time, not even most of the time.

But occasionally, like the last few weeks, Depression will creep up on me like a Ninja, envelop me in its ever-darkening cloak, then keep me submerged with lethargy and apathy until all of a sudden I'm awoken to its presence by its hyperactive twin, Anxiety, who will burst into my room with a shrill cry that sounds like nails down a blackboard, take my heart in both his hands and squeeeeze until I'm breathing from the shallowest part of my chest and my brain goes haywire.

That's where I found myself yesterday, as I sat in my Life Coach's office and cried for the first 10 minutes of our appointment.

I have started seeing a life coach because this rollercoaster of enormous highs and lows in my life has started wearing thin. It's great to get things done while things are going really well, and steamroller ahead putting more things on my plate, and I really do come across to others like I have a Midas touch with everything I do... until I realise I am heading for another trainwreck.

It's times like these when I sit down and re-evaluate everything I have going on, and realise that I have put my health back to the bottom of the list again. Things like eating well, getting enough sleep, moving more than simply walking to the bus stop to and from work each day... it's time to get these things kickstarted again.

Moving => breathing => better headspace

So, I'm gonna walk my Mojo back into town again. But, as "Coach" said yesterday, I am also going to be kind to myself. I'm NOT going to hit myself over the head with a huge training schedule, I am going to pick a few times a week where I can do something physically active, and also plan my daily meals a little better, instead of grabbing toast as I get to work, grabbing takeaway for lunch, in between coffees and sitting down an awful lot while doing a mainly sedentary job, while avoiding drinking my way through a bottle of wine of an evening while watching Project Runway!

Oh yeah, cos lately, that's what it has been like. It ain't a pretty picture.

I also need to brainstorm things that nurture me and strategies for warding off the brooding mentality. Like reading a good book (any recommendations?), scheduling TV time (rather than sitting in front of it all evening like a Zombie), painting my nails, calling a friend, reading a magazine, writing my comedy routine, sipping a cup of herbal tea in a cafe watching the world go by.... the possiblities are endless.

Baby steps. And one day at a time.

Happiness: an obsession

I travelled to New York in my 20s, where I struck up a passing acquaintance with a French woman. We talked about life, the universe and everything (in other words, my kind of conversation). After our long and involved conversation she left me with these final words of wisdom:

"The most important thing in life is a penis."

Needless to say, I was a little gobsmacked and confused. Did she mean that you needed to be a man to get by in life? Did she mean that I, as a young woman, should pin my life goals on getting married? Did she mean that penis envy was at the heart of the feminist issues that prevented most of us forward progressive gals from getting the most out of life?

After ruminating long and hard (pardon the pun) over this conundrum, it finally dawned on me.

The advice had been lost in translation through her delightful French accent... the most important thing in life was, in fact, HAPPINESS!

The pursuit of happiness has been analysed, dissected, discussed, hypothesised, studied and deliberated upon. Surveys are conducted to determine how happy we are as a nation, as individuals, as demographics, any which way you care to chop up humankind and peer at it on a petrie dish.

The pursuit of happiness is even encoded into creeds, into national anthems, national psyches and an entire self-help genre has sprung from this sense of entitlement and pursuit of the damn thing.

I have spent a fair chunk of the last half a decade getting myself from a state of suicidal depression to the bouncing, joyful, lust-for-life attitude I currently display 90 per cent of the time. I was, for a long time, obsessed with this pursuit, and how it happens, and the whys, wherefores and how-to questions we all have.

If happiness is so important, what is the key to happiness?

Thankfully, yet another study has surfaced to satisfy my curious little mind.

According to new research, you can't blame your genes any longer, it is mainly your choice in partner and life goals that are the determinent to happiness. The study was done over 25 years, the only study to take long term tracking of happiness levels into account.

I found this fascinating. I have experienced some pretty low lows in my life, all within a very short period of each other, that tore me from my anchor in life, and sent me tail-spinning into a deep black abyss of pain. It was SOLELY my relationships with key family members and friends (although not, unfortunately due to having a great life partner, that was the reason I went on the spiralling journey in the first place) that re-focused me and my ability to set and maintain life goals. The first and most important of which being: stay alive long enough to make it worth living again.

The only thing that has improved my happiness levels since that time has been seeing my life goals come to fruition, such as doing improvisation comedy, being stable enough to maintain a great job again, prioritising friends and family, having friends and family who prioritise me in their lives (no matter how off-centre I sometimes get). Letting go of any kind of materialistic outlook (I know from experience how damaging that focus can be), and my happy partner these days is simply: myself.

My relationship with myself has only gone from strength to strength. I have allowed myself to grow, blossom and create room for happiness to come to me, rather than chasing it.

I journalled during my darkest hours. I sometimes read over those pages to see how far I have come, and it always brings tears to my eyes to see the journey from this end of the road.

I once wrote: "Happiness is like a butterfly. You can't chase it, so I have to just stand as still as I can and allow it to land on me."



RECIPE FOR CONTENTMENT
Key to being happy may not be in genes but in your choices by Amy Corderoy, Sydney Morning Herald, October 5, 2010 - 9:33AM

Have a happy partner

Don't be overworked or underworked

Prioritise family and community, and have a partner who does so as well

Don't be materialistic

Don't be obese

Do your best... then get over it

Long time, no blog.

I've been sick, which always stifles my creativity. But the past week off work, stapled to my couch, coughing up lungs and getting rid of the lurgy that overtook my body with a speed and savagery of a Mongol horde has given me plenty of time to reflect on the use of "feeling sorry for yourself".

I don't want to sound all ranty-lecture-lady, but with illness comes far more limited patience with OPDs (Other People's Dramas) of which I have been subjected to a lot lately. I am a good listener, and a compassionate person, which is probably the reason people come to me for advice, sympathy or just a friendly ear.

But I must say that lately, there seems to have been a lot of dramas of the "mountain out of a molehill" variety, to which my response has been "just do your best.... then get over it".

What I mean by this is.... it's never as bad as you think.

Putting your life's dramas into perspective can be liberating; as that classic Casablanca quote goes "the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world".

The only thing any of us can do is our best. Do your best in your relationships, your work, your self-improvement, your creative pursuits, your spirituality, your [insert aspect of life here]... then if it doesn't work out, understand that you have DONE your best, that most other people's reactions to YOU don't really matter, that their reactions are about them, and it probably isn't personal.

So, feel sad that whatever you expected to happen hasn't happened, and that you have been disappointed, then whack a sense of humour over the situation, put on a smile, and get over it.

It takes some practice, believe me. But it really works.

And, you'll feel better for doing it, trust me :)

Chivalry is NOT inherently sexist

I found myself reading Samantha Brett's blog today (I really try hard to restrain myself, but I was at home ill today, and had nothing else to read after scouring most of my online news sources, blogs and also exhausting my regular Facebook addiction)

Today's topic was "Is sexism still alive?"

The first comment was:

"Sure we want to eradicate sexism. But not as a consequence of killing off chivalry at the same time." - except that chivalry is inherently sexist.
Your problem is that equal rights and special treatment (e.g. chivalry) are mutually exclusive. Trying to gain both is a thing that children do.

I take EXTREME exception to the assertion that "chivalry is inherently sexist."

I view chivalry as the ability for a man to treat females well, in particular the special female in his life. It is an encoded way for men to cherish and respect women, and to demonstrate that they respect womankind as a whole... this is something of which we see less and less these days. In fact, we see rather more sentiments as the one above, which seem to portray women as nasty, shallow, superficial creatures trying to "have it both ways"... and I also see this echoed in the ways that men are portrayed by womens' comments on similar blogs.

In fact, I am very saddened to see both sexes trying to beat each other in their race to the lowest common denominator.

Chivalry, in its purest sense, should not be about treating a female as a lesser being, but showing her that she is cherished, as a representation of the Divine Goddess (don't laugh, people, I am being serious here).

That said, I would also love women to view themselves this way and to act accordingly. To respect themselves, to uphold their femininity, mystique and ability to be vulnerable and openness to their more tender sides. I know it's hard, as a women who exists in the corporate world where hardness seems more appreciated, with the ability to project independence seemingly paramount.

I would go so far as to flip this argument completely, and to say that it's like saying that female nurturing is inherently sexist. That a female's care and nurture of the special man in her life is about treating men as lesser beings, unable to take care of themselves. You see where I am going with this?

I am hoping for a return to a middle ground, where both sexes treat each other as both equals from a humankind perspective, but cherished for our differences... for our differences make up a stronger whole when added together.

Fill in the the blank: "Online dating is [blank]"

I lasted a week. Which is a pretty poor effort, I will concede.

I met up with one person, had phone conversations with another, and got to "online first base email conversations" with the rest.

Notwithstanding my very wise "Do's and Dont's" there was always something a little disconcerting about opening myself up to an undisclosed number of "anybodys" online and asking them to judge whether they'd like to date me.

As I said before, interest was high. But mine was not.

Not even for the comic material, I kind of felt sorry for some of the men who contacted me and within only a few emails were gushing about their affection towards me. Sincere or insincere? Desperate and needy? Lacking any social boundaries that you might display when meeting someone under "normal" (ie: non-date-expectation) settings?

Whatever the reason, my patience snapped when I got my final "kiss" from a man whose profile stated that his perfect partner "would love having sex with [him] for hours, and enjoy the sensual pleasures of [his] touch. Even when we are not having sex, we would bask together with each other in the afterglow."

Um.... riiiiiiight.

I appreciate that sex is a huge part of any relationship, but seriously...? Stating that on your profile? It just cemented the "ickiness" factor I had when venturing back into the online dating world.

So, that's it for me. I'm going back to the old-fashioned method of putting myself out there with people who are part of my 3D world.

It's so crazy, it just might work!