Relationships: establishing a bigger picture

Anyone who knows me, reads this blog, or even has a casual friendship with me via online social networking sites such as Facebook or Twitter, would know by now of my deep longing to meet 'Mr Right' for a long-term relationship (whatever that should look like). But I have been dating for such a long time (5 and a half years to be exact) that I despair it will ever happen. I had started beliving that maybe I was given just a couple of key chances at a fulfilling long term committed relationship and that I blew them!

But today I read this article in the Sydney Morning Herald Heartbreak helps you find 'the one' and I was heartened to discover instead that all my perceived "failures" in my marriage and in the short-term relationships that have followed since, might be stepping stones to something wonderful. All I have to do is take heed of the lessons I learned, and "put them altogether."

Seems easy, right?

Wrong. I battle countless negative internal programs that have not been made any less strident from having gone through each painful heartbreak. But as I have recently re-discovered, looking closely at the background mental programs that dictate my diet, exericise and financial habits has created a new level of awareness for me and contibuted to better choices I make each and every day. I am not perfect, but I am making better choices.

So perhaps the key to reprogramming my negatives self-beliefs about myself and my ability to meet and create a successful relationship is to reprogram the way I view past failures?

This will be a work in progress blog, because I can't list all the beliefs in the one sitting. When I catch myself in a moment, I will update this blog and choose a more positive way of looking at that mental program. The first few are the ones immediately at the forefront of my mind.

Please be kind, and remember a lot of these are not necessarily logical (for example numbers 4 & 8 are completely contradictory to number 11), but they are there. I am just bringing them into the light to have a good look at them.

1. It's too late, I'm way over the hill now, and men are only interested in 20-something women
2. Men don't like smart, funny women
3. I'm too fat
4. All the men I like don't like me "in that way"
5. Men don't like women who are too independent
6. I'm too abrasive
7. I intimidate men
8. I am not sexy
9. I laugh too loudly
10. I only fall in love with damaged men
11. Men just view me as good for one thing
12. Men will always abandon me (so it's safer to not to allow myself to be vulnerable)
13. I have nothing interesting to say
14. I don't have time
15. He doesn't exist
16. I'm too career focused
17. I'm not worthy of love
18. I'm too analytical

Feeding the soul and the body

I've started a new group called "Mindful Munchers" where members keep each other honest about what we are putting into our gobs each day, swapping helpful tips on keeping cravings at bay, and yummy recipes that meet our nutritional needs.

It's been so helpful and inspiring, more than I had imagined!

I have found that each day I start by planning - what shall I have for breakfast? Pack for lunch and snacks? Defrost for dinner?

And yet, it's also been a lesson in mindfulness in other ways. This evening, as I walked from home from work I arrived at my doorstep to find my local cafe (so local, it's actually in my building!) still open for its opening night of late trading!

The beautiful Italian boys who I have struck up a friendship with over the past 10 or so months encouraged me to dine at their hospitality (I truly am blessed with wonderful people in my life) and I found myself thinking "why the hell not... as long as I make conscious choices I should be fine."

So I had a shower (the humidity means that walking home for 30 minutes leaves me hot and sweating), dressed in a summer frock, put a flower in my hair (I subconsciously prepared myself for an "experience", rather than just simply "food") and sat outside.

Stefano and Luca introduced me to their two friends sitting at the table opposite me, "Umberto" and "Tiulio"... divine names that conjure up exotic conversations just overheard but not understood.

Stefano explained the set up, went through the specials, and although the pastas and bruschettas sounded wonderful, the prawn+avocado salad jumped out at me as the most appropriate choice. In fact, when I examined how I was feeling, I only wanted something light and flavoursome. I was brought a small entree bruschetta with a chicken concoction for starters, which I ate half. I was also brought a small carafe of red wine (did I mention how spoiled I am with amazing friends?)

As I sat and sipped and waited for my salad to arrive, the dusk was falling. I really sat and savoured the moment. I listened to the jazz wafting from the cafe and the Italian boys' conversation. I noticed I was sitting across from the Absinthe Salon, a Parisienne-inspired speciality bar and I also took a new look at the row of Victorian terraces opposite my honey-coloured converted warehouse apartment building (the terraces are actually a red-light destination, and I don't mean a doctor's residence....). I felt the zephyr gently rustling through the liquid amber trees planted on the side of the road.... and thought "I could actually be in Europe right now... how wonderful!"

I ate my salad which was every bit as promising as I had hoped. Stefano hovered anxiously over my final bites, keen to hear my verdict, and pressing me "No really, what did you think?" I felt so special to think that my opinion was considered so important!

Mains now done, I sat and read a little more of my book, overhearing snippets of conversations surrounding me, in the midst of couples and yet feeling ever so happy to be on my own tonight.

I was then brought a sample of the homemade tiramisu. It was lovely and light and wholly appreciated; every single bite. Mindful munching indeed! And mindful joy.

Finally, an espresso was summoned, exactly how I like it. And, then gently pressed for another red wine. That makes 3 glasses in toto. Oh well, who's counting when you are amongst such friends?

Then... belly and soul full of good food and good vibes, I asked for my bill. It amounted to a pittance, their reasoning it was an opening night... I was given profuse "thank you's" for my custom. You heard me correctly. What amazing people. What a night.

My "diet" can stand having such detours IF they are a special one-off. And only if they feed the soul as much as tonight has.

Austen never had this problem

I was watching Sense and Sensibility for the umpteenth time over the holiday break, and two scenes really caught my modern-girl eye.

Scene 1 - The Dashwood women are sitting in the cottage front room, as their "man who does" lugs wood for the fire into the room, all the while chatting about local doings. He casually mentions that he bumped into "Mr and Mrs Ferrars". They all assume he is referring to Edward Ferrars, on whom Elinor Dashwood had been holding onto hope for the entire film, but whose love affair was thwarted by a prior engagement. However, this is a misunderstanding which is not cleared up until the denouement of the film, which leads to a waterfall of emotions that Elinor has been holding for a whole 120 minutes.

Scene 2 - The young, impetuous and beautiful Marianne Dashwood marries the older, but still wealthy, respectable and kind Colonel Brandon, whom she had ealier spurned due to her affections for the dashing yet caddish Willoughby, who marries for money instead of following his heart and love for Marianne. We see Willoughby alone, on his horse high up on the hill as he watches the happy couple celebrating and showering gold coins on the friends and family, then turns away unhappily.

If these two scenes were played out today the level of drama would be lost due to the wealth of information we can now access or deduce from our online connections

For example, the misunderstanding of the first scene would be rendered entirely irrelevant when the youngest daughter, Margaret Dashwood, checked her Facebook to see that Edward Ferrars' relationship had changed from "It's complicated" to "Single". She would then need only follow the links from his friends list to see that "Lucy Steele" is now "married to Robert Ferrars" and the whole ensuing distress felt by Elinor could have been avoided.

The second scene shows Willoughby showing remorse and regret for losing Marianne whom he rejected for stability and wealth, and it shows her to be blissfully ignorant to his distress. If he had a mobile phone, he might have texted that he was thinking of her in that moment, bringing up old wounds for her yet making him feel better to have reached out to his true love. The scene also made me wonder how he had found out she was marrying the Colonel... after all, Marianne didn't have a blog, although in this day and age it would be a safe bet to assume she would have one, being of a somewhat sensitive and over-sharing nature unlike her stoic elder sister.

It also made me realise that having this knowledge makes us sadder, and less able to move on from those who break our hearts, or those hearts that we have broken. Something that, in this day and age of endless Google searches and plethora of information shared in mulititude of places, makes it more and more difficult to actually do, unless you are strong enough to avoid it voluntarily.

But who amongst us has that kind of strength these days? Sheer curiosity alone can be enough to lead you to Google and enter a name that should have long since been relegated to the corridors of memory, and find new and fresh ways of opening those wounds.

Being able to "stalk" old love interests, re-ignite those flames, and rake through the debris of current information is a not good thing. It keeps us welded to the past, and leads us to making silly decisions... we are able to torture ourselves via Twitter, Facebook, blogs.

Even for poor Elinor, who imagined her loved one was forever separated from her, having her misunderstanding cleared up instantly would probably not have lessened her anxiety. There was no guarantee that he was going to pursue for her, after all.

It's probably a good lesson in just accepting the circumstances, that we find ourselves in... and if something is meant to be... it will be!

2011, what are we going to create together?

My last post was about reviewing the year that was.

This post is about what I would like to create in 2011.

As opposed to previous years, I will not be listing "New Year's Resolutions" or lists of what I "want". I will be trying to focus on the journey, on the processes that I would like to create. Situations or feelings or habits that I'd like to form. I would like to avoid looking for an outcome, for setting myself expectations on what I want to "achieve" in the past has only led to stress and anxiety and sadness when "it doesn't happen for me."

Say it with me, folks.... the journey is just as important as the destination. As The Muppets sang in Moving Right Along "getting there is half the fun, come share it with me...."

1. Being present in the moment - starting each day with a 10 or 15 minute simple meditation will help me bring mindfulness into my outlook... whether the day will be challenging or not, focusing on my thoughts, my centre and my breath always creates that space of peace within me

2. Stretch in the morning and every so often throughout my working day - simply stretching my limbs and torso will not only provide physical relief, but help sustain a flexible attitude as well.

3. "Do I really need it?" is what I will be asking myself each time I have a desire to buy something, be that a CD, DVD, impulse food item, or service. I have created a savings goal this year for the first time in a long time, and hitting that goal means sticking to a limit on "pleasure" purchases. I have budgeted for them, but it is not limitless which is how I viewed them in the past.

4. Take time off (related to #3's savings plan) - I will allow myself to take "real" holidays once again. My last trip was in 2007 to Thailand, and over the summer I took myself up the coast for sun, sand and saltwater. It did my soul no end of good. in 2011 I will be taking time off for more distant travel. I deserve time off, and to enjoy it.

5. Truly savour what I eat. I will not view food as restricted or dietary, but I will be mindful once more of what I am eating. I will savour it. I will enjoy it fully. And I will ensure that it fuels my activities in the best possible way.

6. Create more activity in daily life, be it walking to work, getting to the gym 3 times a week, or cycling and swimming on the weekend. I will enjoy how moving makes my body feel strong and flexible again.

7. Be open to love in all forms. Whether that continues to be friendship and extended family, or whether that includes meeting a special someone. Just be open to what life serves me in this arena.

8. Be creative, keep writing, keep performing, keep watching.

9. Smile.

10. Be.

Great moments of 2010

2010 is coming to a close, and it's time to reflect on the great things that happened, the not so great things, and the journey that is coming to a close for another year.

While it has been another rollercoaster, I have felt more in control of my destiny than ever before. I have felt more stable and capable of driving rather than being a passenger of my life. While certain goals have not manifested, I can see that I have come closer than ever to achieving them.

It's been a year of closing doors to some things that have not been healthy patterns. It has been a year of great awakenings and self awareness. It has been blessed from start to finish with incredible growth. And, as much as I bellyache from day to day about not getting what I want, or feel that I deserve, I always come back to the great lesson that life is teaching me: patience.

My list of great moments of 2010.

1. I finished my second triathlon, and bought a tri-bike custom built for the task
2. I shed my inhibitions and stood naked with over 5,000 fellow Sydneysiders on the steps of the Opera House
3. I rediscovered my love of baking
4. I learnt the art of cupcake decorating
5. I did half of the Level Three improvisation course
6. I made new blogger friends AND new friends in my neighbourhood
7. I travelled to Hay for a Sex and the Country photoshoot
8. I did half of a Stand Up Comedy course
9. I dated three men during the year... the most recent one came closest to Mr Right, even though he wasn't "ready for a relationship"... this is at least a positive step
10. I started my kinesiology business and finished all the requirements for my Cert IV
11. I came up with a great idea for a TV series, which I am about to start collaborating on with a friend
12. I started seeing a Life Coach and have finally pinned down my real goals and values in life
13. I have participated in, and supported, multiple improvisation comedy shows
14. I co-wrote two songs for a friend's band
15. I wore more dresses, and didn't stress so much about how I looked in them
16. Very importantly.... whenever the Black Dog bit... I didn't push my friends away... I asked for help... and I kept smiling :)
17. I started slowing down
18. I visited my family much more than in recent years
19. I started meditating again
20. I felt more connected to and more loved than ever before in my life by my friends and family. This has been the ultimate achievement for me.

All I want for Christmas

I have been thinking a lot about my Christmas wishlist, as we do a sweep within my family. Try as I might this year, I could not think of a single compelling "thing" that I desperately needed or wanted.

There are things I wouldn't mind having, but they are not really what I'd suggest someone to give me for as a gift for Christmas.

I am a big believer that experiences and memories are more valuable than "things" when it comes to gifts. And the very very sad fact is that I don't have anyone special to create those memories with at the moment, and haven't had this for quite some time. I have dated, I have met people, I have given each opportunity the best chance I could at the time. I do my best, I put on my bravest face to meet every day with a smile and my positive attitude. But so often I am ground down by this single fact, that all I really want for Christmas (and the rest of the year) is someone who "gets" me, someone that I "get", someone to create memories with for the rest of our lives.

I am 37. I am gainfully employed. I own my own home. I am funny. I am intelligent. I am not so bad looking. I am kind. I cook. I bake! Whatever baggage I have accumulated, I have also created a very stable way of moving forward without it weighing me down too much. I am great company. I am fun to be around. I have hobbies. I am not a psycho-scary Sydney princess who just wants someone to take care of her while she pops out babies.

I seriously do not understand why I am have not met him, the one who is ready for me, who lights my fire, who responds to mine. I do not understand what more I need to do, what more growth I need to have. Surely if I am ready, he should appear, that's been the promise from all the New Age positive thinking and mantras I bought into over the years.

One hundred movies

I have crossed out the movies I have seen. The ones in bold I own.

I have come to the conclusion I'm a bit of a movie fanatic.


1. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
2. The Godfather (1972)
3. The Godfather: Part II (1974)
4. Inception (2010)
5. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
6. Pulp Fiction (1994)
7. Schindler’s List (1993)
8. 12 Angry Men (1957)
9. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
10. The Dark Knight (2008)
11. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
12. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
13. Seven Samurai (1954)
14. Star Wars (1977)
15. Goodfellas (1990)
16. Casablanca (1942)
17. Fight Club (1999)
18. City of God (2002)
19. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
20. Toy Story 3 (2010)
21. Rear Window (1954)
22. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
23. Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
24. Psycho (1960)
25. The Usual Suspects (1995)
26. The Matrix (1999)
27. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
28. Se7en (1995)
29. Memento (2000)
30. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
31. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
32. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
33. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
34. Leon: The Professional (1994)
35. Forrest Gump (1994)
36. Citizen Kane (1941)
37. Apocalypse Now (1979)
38. North by Northwest (1959)
39. American Beauty (1999)
40. American History X (1998)
41. Taxi Driver (1976)
42. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
43. Vertigo (1958)
44. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
45. Amelie (2001)
46. Alien (1979)
47. WALL·E (2008)
48. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
49. The Shining (1980)
50. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
51. Spirited Away (2001)
52. Paths of Glory (1957)
53. The Pianist (2002)
54. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
55. Double Indemnity (1944)
56. The Departed (2006)
57. The Lives of Others (2006)
58. M (1931)
59. Aliens (1986)
60. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
61. City Lights (1931)
62. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
63. Das Boot (1981)
64. The Third Man (1949)
65. Chinatown (1974)
66. L.A. Confidential (1997)
67. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
68. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
69. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
70. Modern Times (1936)
71. Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
72. Back to the Future (1985)
73. The Prestige (2006)
74. Life Is Beautiful (1997)
75. Raging Bull (1980)
76. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
77. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)
78. Cinema Paradiso (1988)
79. Some Like It Hot (1959)
80. Rashômon (1950)
81. Amadeus (1984)
82. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
83. All About Eve (1950)
84. 8.3 Inglourious Basterds (2009)
85. Once Upon a Time in America (1984)
86. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
87. The Green Mile (1999)
88. Braveheart (1995)
89. The Great Dictator (1940)
90. Downfall (2004)
91. Up (2009)
92. The Apartment (1960)
93. Gran Torino (2008)
94. Bicycle Thieves (1948)
95. Metropolis (1927)
96. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
97. The Elephant Man (1980)
98. Gladiator (2000)
99. The Sting (1973) 
100. Sin City (2005)

There is heat in freezing, be a testament

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you can hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid-being-alone principles.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees that only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat-lunch-and-run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert and cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best in human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.

Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no-one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself.

Perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no-one believes like you. All experience is unique, no-one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life's magic, things in reach.

And it doesn’t mean you aren't connected, that community’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn’t get you, or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Viral hoaxes and what we can learn from them as marketers

Last week a social viral networking message swept Facebook.

Change your profile picture to one of your favorite (sic) childhood cartoon characters and ask your friends to do the same. The point of the game? To have no human faces on Facebook only childhood memories by Monday to fight child abuse. Copy and paste to spread the word!

It was effective in its simplicity, and hour by hour whole networks changed their Facebook profile picture to a cartoon character, along with hotly debated favourite characters, as well as blistering comments from non-cartoonified social networkers that the campaign was not an effective means to raise awareness for its stated cause.

A follow up warning the next day that the whole campaign was a scam started by paedophiles only added fuel to the fire, and this blogger was involved with some fairly passionate discussions over whether promoting a donation to a children’s advocacy group might be a more worthwhile use of one’s time and efforts.

Regardless of whether any of these statements were true or not, the whole issue got me thinking as a marketer. Over several days, a single statement spread like wildfire and harnessed people into action, whether it was a simple image and Facebook status update change, a deeper debate over whether these are merely a nuisance, or the most coveted marketer’s dream of actually inspiring a small percentage to donate to worthy causes.

So I looked into what makes the most popular viral campaigns so effective. Were there commonalities? A quick poll of my network on their primary motivating force behind joining in, provided the following principles:

1. we like to have fun
2. we like to be good “Net”izens (ie: warning our friends and family about something dangerous)
3. we are led to act by emotionally charged messages
4. the action can’t be too demanding
5. we need to feel this action is voluntary, whether we want to feel good, clever, or belong to a group
6. we don’t like being told what to do

So my next question is whether these principles can be applied to actual marketing campaigns that deliver outcomes. Let’s take a look at each principle and see whether it is possible.

We like to have fun
This seems an easy one to accomplish, but in practice it’s a little more difficult. Watching The Gruen Transfer demonstrates that much of the PR, advertising and marketing world struggles with this. However, it’s a proven fact that the more fun, or funny a message is, the more likely it will resonate with its audience.

Thinking tangentially is the key here. Try an improvisation workshop to understand how to create interesting storylines, ask a comedian to deliver your message, or put yourself into the shoes of a child.

Example: The recent Facebook campaign for child abuse

Being a good Netizen

Feeling useful, or clever or “in the know” is a key element to many of these campaigns. It appeals to our basic human need for acceptance and recognition.

Example: Every version of “be careful in XYZ car park, police have warned of several attacks on women”, or the classic “waking up in a bath full of ice with your kidneys gone” messages.

Emotionally charged messages

Facts don’t sell, emotionally engaging your audience will. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, as in the case of child abuse or linking it to a dearly held childhood memory of cartoons, but there does need to be some kind of emotional engagement with the audience.

Example: Old Spice YouTube ads, asking ladies whether they want their man to be like the Alpha male presenting the message!

Undemanding actions

Social media campaigns that make the barriers to participate too high are doomed to stall. Making too much of a demand on your audience will lose their interest quickly. Keep it simple by providing as few links as possible, pre-filled forms and giving them canned messages that can be shared on other social media forums with a simple mouseclick.

Example: The recent GetUp campaign to raise money for an advertisement in the New York Times to campaign on behalf of WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange. The donations page provided the donor with a pre-written Facebook and Twitter message, which got the message out in hours, and achieved its aim of $250,000 for the full-page advertisement.

I did it voluntarily

Research has shown that 80% of business purchasers felt they found the supplier. It works in a similar vein for social networking, as a group we need to feel like we belong to a herd, but that we are all “individuals”.

The solution is to cultivate relationships with influencers within the demographic you are aiming for. This could be a celebrity, or simply a highly networked individual within your existing circles.

Example: any kind of subculture that crops up, sparking an instant “fad”.

Don’t tell me what to do

This is perhaps the trickiest part of creating a viral sensation for a corporate marketing campaign. In this way, you will need an individual to deliver your message, not appearing to derive from a corporate “brand” itself. However, the other side of this coin is that punters also don’t like feeling like they have been duped, so transparency is important. Furthermore, we have grown very marketing-conscious, so this part is a very delicate balancing act.

Having a message or a “cause” that appeals to the audience’s sense of justice is a way of overcoming this barrier. However, if you are simply flogging products or services in the absence of a “cause” it’s probably best to stick to traditional marketing channels!

Examples: GetUp, fundraising efforts by individuals, Pet Rescue Campaign

Self Confidence. You can't beat it.

So, I only recently blogged about having met the perfect guy for me. And you know what, he was. But you also know what? He started saying things that raised red flags. Quite a few of them. Like "we are not involved", and "I am not ready for a relationship" (every single time we spoke), and kept asking my advice about his ex girlfriend and another friend (female who clearly wants to pursue him as a romantic partner). And yet, I wasn't told about some pretty big life changing things that happened to him, until I probed.

Now, I was not in any way pushing for a full-blown relationship, as at this stage in my life that's just not where I am at. However, I did explain at the start that I am looking for "something real". Like love.

And in the last few weeks I have been dealing with a lot of big life stuff (like my grandfather dying, my sister having her fourth baby (yes, you heard correctly - four), getting three assignments done within the space of two weeks to meet a qualification deadline, not to mention the incredibly demanding full-time job I hold down).

This gave me reason to hold off on raising these red flags with him. But I did so, yesterday. I told him how I have been feeling. He said he understood, but that he was not in the same place as me. I said, "fair enough, no hard feelings". He said "but we can still be friends." I said "....". He said "so let me know if you would still like to catch up". I said "I think I'll leave it for a while, thanks."

He said that I do amazing things and that I am wonderful. Which, I kinda agree with.

He said he felt sad. He didn't sound very sad. But, who knows... different people deal with these things in different ways, and he is a very reasonable and understanding person who probably didn't want to make a hard decision harder for me.

I think he understands. And if he doesn't... then he doesn't. I know I have that sad feeling and wonder whether I will meet someone like him, but who actually wants to confide in me when things go pear-shaped, who wants to offer me love and receive my love, and who wants to spend time with me. Someone who actually knows that I tick all of his boxes and grabs the opportunity with both hands.

It's interesting, though, this time this one was pretty near perfect for me. And yet I don't feel like I am the one who messed this up. In fact, I am pretty damn confident that I just made the best decision for myself, one that will (hopefully) mean that I WILL find the right guy out there who makes me feel fabulous. This tells me that, unlike every other time that a relationship hasn't worked out, my self-confidence remains high. That I have not allowed that little negative saboteur voice inside my head tell me it was my fault, and that if only I was someone different they would have stayed.

This time, it's me saying "I am not getting what I need, and no matter how amazing you are, my needs are also important."

Loving the new me.