Windows to the soul

I was just reading this lovely post The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul from one of my favourite websites The Daily Love and I realised something uncomfortable about myself.

I don't make prolonged eye contact with anyone. Not even friends or family. Sure, I look into people's eyes, but only briefly and sporadically while holding a conversation with them. Certainly never in silence. Certainly never to connect deeply and meaningfully.

I find eye contact very very unnerving. You could say I have had a gutful of keeping my heart open, because of the sheer volume of times it has been torn in moments of extreme vulnerability. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this makes me anything special, I know every single person on the planet has probably the same feeling as me in this regard.

But I am ashamed to realise that I have allowed this to stop me from connecting with even those that I love and trust and who haven't hurt me.

Even thinking about doing this, even as an experiment as Samantha has, terrifies me.

But I am going to try.

For the upcoming long weekend I am taking myself "away from it all" to a beach location, where I intend to do a lot of meditation, exercise and connection with myself. However, inspired by this blog post, I think I will throw in a little connection with others as well.

Serenity Prayer

I very much need to keep this prayer close at hand right now.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

An exercise in gratitude

I had a thought this morning as I was on the treadmill, waiting for my trainer to make the next half an hour of my life a living hell.... I wasn't looking forward to it, and then suddenly my mind said "Tash, you're going about this the wrong way. You should be grateful that you are here." and an interesting conversation ensued.

Tash's normal inner voice: Huh?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Well, I've noticed you do this a lot. You look at the negative side of the situation rather than focus on the positive.

Tash's normal inner voice: So what should I be doing about the times I feel uncomfortable, lonely or sad? Should I pretend I am not feeling those things?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: No, of course not, you know how badly that goes. You end up suppressing those emotions and getting anxious. But, I have an idea on how you can transform those uncomfortable situations.

Tash's normal inner voice <sarcastically>: This should be good.

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Why not practice a moment of gratitude? When you feel physically uncomfortable from being asked to run longer and faster than you think you are capable of, why not think how grateful you are to be able to run at all. Or grateful that you can run further than last week, and grateful for the changes you can already feel in your body?

Tash's normal inner voice: Will that help?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: It can't hurt, surely. Try it for a week and see how you feel. Oh, and it applies to any situation. For example, when you feel sad that you still are not with 'The One', why not practice gratitude for the time you have been given to focus 100% on yourself, and say a moment of "thanks Universe, for my continued licence to be selfish".... [inner voice winks at this point.... I don't know how it did this, but it did]

Tash's normal inner voice: And what else?

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Well, every time you feel overwhelmed at work, or when the day is dragging and you have to do something that has to be done, rather than what you want to do, why not stop and thank the Universe that you have a great job with wonderful bosses and co-workers, in a safe and clean and healthy environment where your life is not being threatened.... you know, things that we all take for granted in our priveleged lives...

Tash's normal inner voice: Oh come on, now you're trying to make me feel guilty...

Tash's wise and gracious inner voice: Maybe a little.... there is a little bit of demon in every angel on your shoulder and vice versa.... now get off the treadmill and go and do the BEST 30 minute PT session you have done yet!

Tash's normal inner voice: HELL YEAH!!!

Spring cleaning my mind

It occurred to me this week as I seriously geared up my training several notches, that I need a spring clean of my attitude.

I CAN do this.

I have done it before.

I needn't worry that I am not fit enough, because I AM doing it. Right now! I am training 6 times per week, I have a trainer who pushes me 3 times per week, and I do classes where I get pushed even further than I have before.

I have dragged myself to the pool on a wintry cold morning and done my 20 laps. I've already DONE it, so what is stopping me from continuing to do it?

I have a BHSG (big hairy scary goal) in front of me, but I know I can do it, if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other each day, and focus on that day, not the entire 9 weeks ahead of me.

I will be writing up my BHSG on a piece of paper with a picture of how I will look at the end of it (if I can find one of me at the weight I am aiming for...)

I will also be putting up the prize of $5,000 that my gym has on offer for the national winner of the challenge. If the prize of looking and feeling better doesn't motivate me some mornings, I am sure that big ol' bag of money will.....

(Sad, but true)

So..... deep breath (smells the metaphorical jasmine scent in the Spring air)..... let's totally smash this sucker!

Random thoughts

Wow.

Long time since I have been here, huh....

Sorry about that.

Won't let it happen again (I probably will)

So. Here's a thought. Samoa.

Why Samoa?

Because I read a blog, which then had an interesting comment on it by someone who had a blog, so I read her profile, then saw she had multiple blogs, then went to this one and read this post, and it occurs to me.

Samoa.

Why Had I Not Ever Considered This Before?

And if that little tale hasn't caused you to fall in love with the awesome (and random) power of the interwebz, then I have no hope for you.

An update of sorts (not out of sorts)

I have had a lot of people follow up with me individually since I stopped blogging, which is nice. It's a safe bet that when I don't blog, things are going pretty smoothly. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, or so the saying goes... and the same is true of my bloggy thoughts. The squeakier they are, the more attention they get!

So, how is life for Tash these days?

Well, I'm glad you asked, dear reader.

1. The move home

Going brilliantly. Never better. Could not ask for more amazing housemates. While the transition was rather scary and there were more than a few moments where I thought to myself (and sometimes out loud) "what the hell am I doing, I must be crazy!" it all bedded down pretty quickly and has gone from strange-to-comfortable in no time at all.

But all fears aside, the company has done me the world of good, and the savings I will make mean I will be well-able to afford to travel next year at the very earliest.

2. The new job

Going brilliantly. Never better. Could not ask for a more amazing situation. The change in jobs had nothing to do with being unhappy with my previous employers, and everything to do with looking objectively at what my goals were in my career and realising that I needed to move to achieve that. The support I got in my previous company to explore my options was nothing short of brilliant. And, again while I was nervous about having made a mistake, the new job is proving to be exactly what I listed when I wrote down the values I look for in a role.

3. Travel

This has been put on hold for a year. While it will always be an ultimate goal for me, things didn't work out financially as I had hoped with one or two things, and I am being patient as the Universe provides a clearer path there.

4. Life, love and everything else

Well, we shall see what is down the track for me, but everything else seems to be at status quo since I last blogged.

I have decided to get back to meditation, I think that will do me the world of good. I am also focusing on music, and my next step will be to learn the guitar and start writing down some songs in my head.

I have been helping out the family a fair bit, my dad's starting up a car detailing business (anyone need a car makeover?) so putting my entrepreneurial and marketing hat on for him has been fun.

Not to mention getting the family into more healthy eating patterns with my 12WBT nutrition plan! Oh, and getting back to the gym more frequently, that's been another great step for me. Not a consistent step, to be honest, but a step in the right direction.

Well that's all the news that's fit to print!

The distinction between "alone" and "lonely"

Sometimes a blog or a quote will speak to you. Today I read Sam de Brito's blog "Loneliness" and in particular this quote ""the only thing worse than being lonely, is other people knowing you're lonely", and felt like weeping.

I read all the comments as well, because there are so many perspectives on this, given we live in a society that grows increasingly isolated (or so it feels sometimes).

Some of the comments were heartbreaking and very close to the truth that I live right now. It directly relates to my experience of blogging about my lack-of-a-relationship woes and feeling like a failure (both going through it and also blogging about it). As the quote says, the only thing worse than being lonely is others knowing you are lonely, so blogging about it is quite challenging from a personal perspective. I do it because sometimes it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

However, one thing I find interesting is that when I do wear my heart on my sleeve and reveal the scary truth about how sometimes this aspect of my life wears me right down, I find I get a lot of readers of these entries. But........ not many people comment on those entries.

What do I take away from this? A few things. That there are a lot of us with similar feelings (hence these blogs attract a readership). But that not many people want to admit they identify with it (hence not leaving a comment).

Here is my distinction of alone vs loneliness. Being alone is a fact, devoid of emotion or any physical sensation. We often find ourselves alone at home, the gym, shopping, driving, having a coffee, etc etc. It simply means there is noone else physically with you at the time. There is no physical or emotional sensation to it, it's just a state of being.

Loneliness is a state of mind, a feeling and a physical sensation. You can feel lonely in a crowd of people. You can feel lonely with friends and family. You can feel lonely in a relationship. You can feel lonely at the most intimate moment with your partner.

Loneliness is about feeling a lack of connection. Whether that be a friend, family member or partner. I would go so far as to say it is a lack of connection with self, first and foremost. If you deny yourself the ability to open up and share your inner world, it leads to a feeling of isolation and that's when loneliness sets in. It becomes worse when you allow that lack of connection to define your worth and value as a human. I have traced this process so many times I am extremely familiar with its pathways that ultimately lead to depression when you aren't aware you are in its grip.

First comes the thought: "I am not worthy"
Then comes the mental attitude: "Noone knows or understands me or what I am going through"
Then comes one (or both) action: a) pushing people away or not allowing those close to you into your inner world, or b) clinging on desperately to anyone in your path, which has the effect of pushing people away, compounding your initial thought "I am not worthy"
Next comes the physical sensation: Shallow breathing, knot in stomach, weight on upper chest, stress and tension in upper shoulders, fatigue, tears.
Ultimately, depression sets in, becoming a vicious cycle.

Having a relationship is not a cure for loneliness. But during my single years, I have found myself going through the cycle described above much more than when I was in a relationship. I think having a relationship as a starting point feels like you are a lot closer to a "cure" for loneliness than when you feel like you are still in the starting blocks. When I was in a relationship, I must admit I felt validated and worthy that "at least someone loved me, even if not always in the way I'd like to be loved".

This is a big admission to make, as someone who has been extolling the virtues of being independent, self-reliant and working on being "complete" within myself and not "needing" anyone else to complete me. But the blog (and some of the comments) really hit home for me, and pointed to the fact that we are all social creatures that actually do need each other. Yes, we come into this world alone and leave it alone, but being "alone" as I said is a state of being, not a mindset.

We (I) do need others during to help combat loneliness.

Dreams. You gotta have em

Phew!

I had to shut down my blog for a few days. I don't like it when I get melancholy with my blog, and I can recognise when it stops being an effective mood enhancer, and just becomes a venting ground. So I hired a whole bunch of DVDs and lost myself in other fantasy worlds.

I have been thinking about what I get pleasure from in life and imagining it to be true and playing little games with myself with visualisations. It has really helped!

Some of my little moments I dreamed up included:

• setting myself up in a little studio apartment in New York with lovely sunny outlook and a cosy nook to read and write
• meeting someone deliciously lovely who loves the kinds of things I love doing, walking around nowhere in particular, coffee, chilling, talking about nonsense, laughing and enjoying the small delicious strawberry-flavoured moments of life together
• writing a novel and seeing it in hardcover in a bookstore
• writing a screenplay and watching it come to life on film
• wearing a red floral belt-waisted dress, having my hair styled in a gorgeous 50s wave, with  matching blood red lips and nailpolish (anyone recognise a Mad Men moment there?)
• going on a holiday to a remote beach with my sweetheart, walking along the beach and feeling the sand and water beneath our feet
• making a scrumptious feast for friends hosted at a country cottage surrounded by lush green grass, butterflies and birdsong

Are all these things likely to happen? Some are very probable. Others... well let's wait and see. But it did cheer me up immensely to think about them in technocolour fantasy dreamworld!

More thoughts.... such a bleak night, tonight

I'd like to think this long long period of being on my own is good for me. I'd like to believe it's bringing me greater self-awareness and hence a greater ability to love myself, and therefore building within me the ability to give my love to another in a more complete way than I have in the past.

I'd like to think this is true, and that I will meet the "one" for me someday. But right now, it's so difficult to keep the faith.

Right now, I think that is all bollocks. Right now I think this period of being single is forcing me deeper into myself and into a kind of introspective madness. I really have a horrible feeling that I will be alone for the rest of my life, and will shrivel up when my prime has well and truly passed. In my head I can fight with logic that this is not the case. But my emotions are far more powerful than my intellect at the moment.

I feel so terribly alone and lonely tonight. As Carrie from Sex and the City once said "The loneliness is palpable."

The ever present fear....

I have no fear about certain things.... the ability to get a good job.. the ability to lead an independent life.... the ability to look after myself..... the ability to bring myself back from the brink and flourish again.... the ability to take a good hard look at myself and the circumstances I find myself in and re-chart the course of my life to counter the slings and arrows of my life and my actions.....

These things I am not afraid of.

However, the one thing I am afraid of and almost live in the shadow of its presence is that fear of being let down by others.

I can recognise this so much more sharply today as I have been obsessing about relationships and love and support and family and friends. Nobody has let me down in any way. Well, nobody who should mean anything to me, that is. But I live in the constant fear of the presence of feeling let down.

I don't know how to explain it other than I am noticing the shallowness of my breathing, the hard knots in my stomach, and the feeling that I am living on a knife edge when all reality clearly contradicts that I am actually leading quite a priveleged and stress-free life in comparison to a lot of families in Australia who are battling to survive in a very real sense.

I want to understand better why I feel this way so often. Why do I feel so afraid, so alone, so isolated and so anxious?

There has to be a better explanation than past experiences, surely. Is there a chemical issue in my brain? Is there something that I am overlooking?