What a girl wants

I have recently had cause to counsel someone about feeling one way and yet acting in a way opposite to those feelings. I called it "not living authentically".

I want to explore that concept for me. I am about to encounter a few changes in my life, some have already been underway for some time. Others are just beginning. I have been doing life coaching for almost 3 months now, and it has been an inspiration to see how laying values out explicitly and seeing where the gaps are, can be completely transformational.

Even when I am not looking for transformation, it's come looking for me.

What do I actually want out of life, then? I am going to just list things as they occur to me, relying on my right brain "instinctual" side to answer this:

• love
• family
• health
• movement
• travel
• adventure
• authenticity
• emotional stability
• mental stability
• compassion
• understanding
• seeking
• questioning
• excellence
• truth
• beauty
• warmth
• confidence
• humour
• sponteneity
• courage
• conviction
• erudition
• spirituality
• peace
• love

I realise I have repeated love. It's important.

Time, time, time... see what becomes of me

I haven't blogged for a while. My issue, as always, is time.

I'd like to be honest here. I have never had a lot of time to spare. All my life I have been told "Natasha would do much better if she didn't rush."

I've always been in a hurry, always felt time poor, always crammed everything in to maximise what I can do in the time I have available. I am extremely social, with friends who (thankfully) are more often asking me to catch up than not. I have many many interests outside of work, such as my improvising comedy passion, my hobby business (kinesiology), music, theatre, shows amongst other "stuff" in general.

My family is currently undergoing a very stressful time. They are a huge priority for me at the moment, including getting around to seeing extended family members I don't get to see very often.

On top of all that, this gal needs to pay the bills, and she does so with a fairly demanding and brain-intensive job.

Not to mention, my health is a further priority right now, and I am about to start a 12 week body transformation challenge and training schedule in preparation for another triathlon, so early morning training sessions and dietary regimes means that I won't have the energy, time or stamina (as well as inclination) to do the sociable thing of late nights, alcohol-based catch ups and external dining experiences like I used to do...

All of this adds up to one thing. Time is a HUGE premium in my life.

Lately, I have felt like I am letting my friends down. I need to be quite clear that I do understand some feel "neglected". But I want to reassure everyone that I love you all (and am neglecting you all equally, if that's any consolation...)

I can't make any promises about things getting easier. Because I have done that before and felt like I have let people down even more when I couldn't keep that promise.

I need to put this out there loudly and strongly.

I am my own Number One priority right now. 

It's not that I don't want to catch up with  friends or make time for everyone, or that I am not concerned about people feeling left out of my life at the moment. It's just the way things need to be.

Please be aware that it's too easy for me to feel guilty for putting myself first, and it's something I am going to be more guarded against for the time being.

I love youse all.

xxx

Total "aha" moment!

OMG OMG OMG! I gotta share this "revelation".

You know how I bang on about all my past relationships being less than fulfilling and over all too quickly (hmmmmm *scratches head and thinks a bit about what she just admitted*)?

Well.... here are a few bolts of lightning from my authentic self who has been trying to be heard above the debris and noise that is my "ego". This is the message she [I] relayed to me this morning:

The universe has been protecting you, my dear. Those men were never worthy of you, consider them as your training wheels to give you some practice and to also show you that there are men who are attracted to you, even if for just a moment in time. The universe has been saving your man for you, and boy is he a winner! He has been looking for you as well, he has been learning his own life lessons, and when you are both ready to meet, you will meet and fall in love. You needed to fall in love with yourself first, to really appreciate how wonderful you really are before you were ready to meet him. Cos, guess what, he will love and accept you for exactly who you are. Take heart, because you are on your path, and when you are on your true path, things happen exactly as they ought. Be brave and admit what you really want out of life, and the universe will conspire to make it happen for you.

This message has been bubbling up within me ever since I blogged about my inner dialogue regarding relationships. It burst forth into my consciousness today, a mere 2 days after I created my vision board, which has some pretty impressive goals on it which I never dared breathe to others, let alone admit to myself that I wanted.

It's out there now. I am leaving it up to the universe to show me what it's got. And I'm excited!

Why...

I have been thinking about why I got so hackled up at Unshackled and attitudes that are similar to his... it was a hard thing to really look at my reaction. Because ALWAYS when you react badly to someone or something it's because there is an aspect of yourself being reflected to you which you are not comfortable with.

So, I looked.

And I looked.

And I finally came to the conclusion that my unhappiness with these attitudes stems from a very deep feeling of being "robbed" of my youth and my options for love and happiness by life circumstances and my own poor choices.

While the Sydney women that were tormenting the likes of Mr Unshackled were happily playing the dating field (and creating bitterness in men such as these), I was spending my 20s and early 30s in possibly one of the most difficult relationships I've ever heard of.

I met my husband when I was 23 and freshly out of uni. I had dated a few men (not millions, but enough to know the difference between lust and love), nothing ever serious, and the relationships never lasted more than 3 months. When I met him I "just knew"...  the way "they" always say you know. And I responded with my heart and stayed by him through thick and through thin.

We were together 9 years almost to the day. Married for half that time.  The issues we faced were his undiagnosed Bipolar disorder and psychotic episodes during which time he would leave his gentle, loving Dr Jeckyll nature and turn into Mr Hyde. That wasn't the only issue we (I) had to cope with. His gambling addiction, occasional drug use, employment instability, and deep paranoia (and hence emotional neediness for me and use of emotional blackmail to keep me tied to him) were things that only got worse after I consented to be his wife.

Don't get me wrong. I loved him extremely deeply, enough to overlook these issues for almost a decade. I guess that's why I did everything in my power to help him become the man he so desperately wanted to be, the man he thought I deserved to have. One of the saddest things I heard him say close to the end was "I don't know which personality to pick that will please you the most."

Things got so bad that I started getting panic attacks. And depression. And in my desperation I asked for a separation to give myself breathing room to re-group and to also persuade him to seek professional help for his demons that I couldn't deal with on my own.

He took his life the following week.

I lost the next 3 years to grief so black and complete that I couldn't see my way out. I made extremely poor relationship choices during this time, only complicating my core pain and robbing me of any shred self worth I had left. My only recollection from that time was that it always seems like night. I didn't sleep much, you see.

So, the last 2 years have been the ones where I have felt like my personality of old coming back, along with my ability to choose better romantic partners, as well as a whole heap of life lessons to assist me in choosing someone who can support me as much as I would love to support him.

And when I come across comments that put me in a bucket of women who spent their 20s and early 30s playing games in the dating pool, it really gets my goat.

I feel so robbed of the options I could have had in my 20s for meeting a decent, great guy that I can fall in love with, and who will fall right back atcha with me. All the "good ones" appear to be taken (or gay). And the rest are telling me I'm superficial.

Isn't life crazy sometimes!

CrankyPants Reaction Rant

I read another silly relationship blog again today. But it's not the blog that gets me crankypants. It's comments like these, posted by "Unshackled" who seems to paint ALL Sydney women with the same "superficial" brush. Believe me, this is the stereotype of Sydney women that I am fast becoming sick of reading. I will deal with this rant line by line, because it's gotten my hackles up [no, I don't know what hackles are either, but mine are DEFINITELY up.]


I can't speak for the other males in Sydney, but it seems like the men who want to commit, be monogamous, want to settle down and create a life with a woman are freakin' assed out.
...
[I love how he is not speaking for other males in Sydney, yet is about to describe all single females in Sydney. You think this guy has met us all? Probably not.]
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I mean, it's all superficial with most of the single female population here in Sydney. 
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[Yes, Sydney is largely painted as completely superficial. From our glittering harbour to our Mountains of Blue. We get it. However, like every other place on the planet, there is the good and there is the bad. You gotta search out the good, and shake it out from the bad. I've lived in Sydney all my life and have only ever added decent, like-minded, values-driven people to my social circle. It's quite large by now. I figure through this large circle of like-minded people I will eventually find my "Prince". It's a good idea to try doing something similar.]

...
Can I vent further? Well, I am anyway.
...
[Sigh.]
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If a guy doesn't have washboard abs, a big bank account and the material things, he never "gets the girl". 
... 
[I suspect this means he does not have washboard abs, a big bank account and material things, and is bitter about it. It's called "projection", and it's where we believe that what we find deficient in others MUST be what they find lacking in us. In other words, I would place a large bet that this guy is looking for the same thing in women that is considered "high status" from a man's point of view (slim, long blonde hair, good looking) and is getting frustrated that they are not giving him a chance. He then projects what he is doing onto ALL women and complaining about it. The fact is, most of my married friends (who happen to live in Sydney) say that what attracted them to their partner was their personality. Yep, that's right. Personalities are the most important thing.]

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Whatever happened to old-fashioned values where a man works hard, treats a woman like a lady and showers her with love and romance gone? Via way of the 8-track and ColecoVision I think.
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[Those men are a rare breed. I agree with him there, where have those values gone? It's not because women suddenly didn't want them, they seem to be dying out as a supply factor in the economic equation that is Sydney Single Scene.]
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And then females hang onto that whole "Sex and the City" attitude. That show was THE WORST thing to happen to the single male in the civilized world. 
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[Right, he just lost whatever credibility he had to start with. Get past the fluff of that show, which was actually "entertainment" not a "documentary" and you will find some genuine questioning about what makes a "real" man and how to find "real" love. One by one, each character finds love with the men who they were not expecting to be their "Ones". A nice message to single women, I thought. The rest was funny and vicarious and mostly about the shoes.]
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I applaud women for having standards in what they want in life. 
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[Doesn't really sound like it. SAYING you applaud women and actually living it are two different things.]
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That's how it should be: don't settle for 2nd best, however, you set the bar WAAAAYYYY too high and the average, great guy who will treat you right doesn't have a chance.
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[I'm confused. We shouldn't settle for second best, but our best is too high for men like him to jump through? What does that say? Thought about self improvements? And by this, I mean work on the attitude, cos ANY guy that treats us right and is a great guy gets a chance with most real women. Just a pity that I haven't personally come across a great deal that I can vouch for. And sometimes there is just not enough compatibility to continue. Yes, shock horror! Just because you are a great guy and single, doesn't mean that you and the girl you are chasing will have sufficient compatibility to make a long term relationship work!]
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If I have to be an asshole/dickhead/bad boy/bastard to "get the girl", I think I'll stick to celibacy.
...
[WHOA! Now men who end up committing to women are ALL assholes/dickheads and bad boys? Sorry, I do not see women staying with these men. Again, the married/committed women I know (including me at one stage) went for great guys who treat us right. Sometimes it takes a while to find them. I'm not out there whinging about "all single Sydney men are bastards." Cos they're not. It just takes a while to sift through the chaff to get to the wheat.]

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Can I get an AMEN? Hello and AMEN, walls.
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[No, you can't.]
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Thank you for your time. End of rant.

Note - this guy followed up with yet another whingey post. If he couldn't be trusted to keep his word that his rant ended in the previous comment, I'd wager that's why he (and similar men) is (are) still single and bitter.

The end.

What's the difference between a gay male friend and a male friend who isn't interested in you?

Watching Will and Grace...

What is the difference between having a gay male friend and a male (straight) friend who you are interested in, but isn't interested in you?

Why is it that I can have a friendship with one, but not the other?

Is it because there is no chance in hell of ending up in bed with the former? And that even though there is no real chance of a relationship with the latter, that there is always the real chance they will want to end up in bed with me at some point?

And the fact that this has happened and been the cause of real heartbreak in the past?

But, that aside. What is the real difference?

I'd like to know. Because in fact, there is no real future with either species, but I have had "fun" with both types... there has been heartbreak with both types (if you watch Will and Grace, you will understand what this equates to with the gay best friend... it's not that you harbour hopes of a real romantic relationship, just that often a gal's friendship with her gay best friend can sometimes be SO much more fulfilling and fun and wonderful and diverting than any liaison with a straight male....)

Sigh.

I sometimes cannot work out life. Or the universe. Or anything,

It's enough to drive a girl to atheism!

Relationships: establishing a bigger picture

Anyone who knows me, reads this blog, or even has a casual friendship with me via online social networking sites such as Facebook or Twitter, would know by now of my deep longing to meet 'Mr Right' for a long-term relationship (whatever that should look like). But I have been dating for such a long time (5 and a half years to be exact) that I despair it will ever happen. I had started beliving that maybe I was given just a couple of key chances at a fulfilling long term committed relationship and that I blew them!

But today I read this article in the Sydney Morning Herald Heartbreak helps you find 'the one' and I was heartened to discover instead that all my perceived "failures" in my marriage and in the short-term relationships that have followed since, might be stepping stones to something wonderful. All I have to do is take heed of the lessons I learned, and "put them altogether."

Seems easy, right?

Wrong. I battle countless negative internal programs that have not been made any less strident from having gone through each painful heartbreak. But as I have recently re-discovered, looking closely at the background mental programs that dictate my diet, exericise and financial habits has created a new level of awareness for me and contibuted to better choices I make each and every day. I am not perfect, but I am making better choices.

So perhaps the key to reprogramming my negatives self-beliefs about myself and my ability to meet and create a successful relationship is to reprogram the way I view past failures?

This will be a work in progress blog, because I can't list all the beliefs in the one sitting. When I catch myself in a moment, I will update this blog and choose a more positive way of looking at that mental program. The first few are the ones immediately at the forefront of my mind.

Please be kind, and remember a lot of these are not necessarily logical (for example numbers 4 & 8 are completely contradictory to number 11), but they are there. I am just bringing them into the light to have a good look at them.

1. It's too late, I'm way over the hill now, and men are only interested in 20-something women
2. Men don't like smart, funny women
3. I'm too fat
4. All the men I like don't like me "in that way"
5. Men don't like women who are too independent
6. I'm too abrasive
7. I intimidate men
8. I am not sexy
9. I laugh too loudly
10. I only fall in love with damaged men
11. Men just view me as good for one thing
12. Men will always abandon me (so it's safer to not to allow myself to be vulnerable)
13. I have nothing interesting to say
14. I don't have time
15. He doesn't exist
16. I'm too career focused
17. I'm not worthy of love
18. I'm too analytical

Feeding the soul and the body

I've started a new group called "Mindful Munchers" where members keep each other honest about what we are putting into our gobs each day, swapping helpful tips on keeping cravings at bay, and yummy recipes that meet our nutritional needs.

It's been so helpful and inspiring, more than I had imagined!

I have found that each day I start by planning - what shall I have for breakfast? Pack for lunch and snacks? Defrost for dinner?

And yet, it's also been a lesson in mindfulness in other ways. This evening, as I walked from home from work I arrived at my doorstep to find my local cafe (so local, it's actually in my building!) still open for its opening night of late trading!

The beautiful Italian boys who I have struck up a friendship with over the past 10 or so months encouraged me to dine at their hospitality (I truly am blessed with wonderful people in my life) and I found myself thinking "why the hell not... as long as I make conscious choices I should be fine."

So I had a shower (the humidity means that walking home for 30 minutes leaves me hot and sweating), dressed in a summer frock, put a flower in my hair (I subconsciously prepared myself for an "experience", rather than just simply "food") and sat outside.

Stefano and Luca introduced me to their two friends sitting at the table opposite me, "Umberto" and "Tiulio"... divine names that conjure up exotic conversations just overheard but not understood.

Stefano explained the set up, went through the specials, and although the pastas and bruschettas sounded wonderful, the prawn+avocado salad jumped out at me as the most appropriate choice. In fact, when I examined how I was feeling, I only wanted something light and flavoursome. I was brought a small entree bruschetta with a chicken concoction for starters, which I ate half. I was also brought a small carafe of red wine (did I mention how spoiled I am with amazing friends?)

As I sat and sipped and waited for my salad to arrive, the dusk was falling. I really sat and savoured the moment. I listened to the jazz wafting from the cafe and the Italian boys' conversation. I noticed I was sitting across from the Absinthe Salon, a Parisienne-inspired speciality bar and I also took a new look at the row of Victorian terraces opposite my honey-coloured converted warehouse apartment building (the terraces are actually a red-light destination, and I don't mean a doctor's residence....). I felt the zephyr gently rustling through the liquid amber trees planted on the side of the road.... and thought "I could actually be in Europe right now... how wonderful!"

I ate my salad which was every bit as promising as I had hoped. Stefano hovered anxiously over my final bites, keen to hear my verdict, and pressing me "No really, what did you think?" I felt so special to think that my opinion was considered so important!

Mains now done, I sat and read a little more of my book, overhearing snippets of conversations surrounding me, in the midst of couples and yet feeling ever so happy to be on my own tonight.

I was then brought a sample of the homemade tiramisu. It was lovely and light and wholly appreciated; every single bite. Mindful munching indeed! And mindful joy.

Finally, an espresso was summoned, exactly how I like it. And, then gently pressed for another red wine. That makes 3 glasses in toto. Oh well, who's counting when you are amongst such friends?

Then... belly and soul full of good food and good vibes, I asked for my bill. It amounted to a pittance, their reasoning it was an opening night... I was given profuse "thank you's" for my custom. You heard me correctly. What amazing people. What a night.

My "diet" can stand having such detours IF they are a special one-off. And only if they feed the soul as much as tonight has.

Austen never had this problem

I was watching Sense and Sensibility for the umpteenth time over the holiday break, and two scenes really caught my modern-girl eye.

Scene 1 - The Dashwood women are sitting in the cottage front room, as their "man who does" lugs wood for the fire into the room, all the while chatting about local doings. He casually mentions that he bumped into "Mr and Mrs Ferrars". They all assume he is referring to Edward Ferrars, on whom Elinor Dashwood had been holding onto hope for the entire film, but whose love affair was thwarted by a prior engagement. However, this is a misunderstanding which is not cleared up until the denouement of the film, which leads to a waterfall of emotions that Elinor has been holding for a whole 120 minutes.

Scene 2 - The young, impetuous and beautiful Marianne Dashwood marries the older, but still wealthy, respectable and kind Colonel Brandon, whom she had ealier spurned due to her affections for the dashing yet caddish Willoughby, who marries for money instead of following his heart and love for Marianne. We see Willoughby alone, on his horse high up on the hill as he watches the happy couple celebrating and showering gold coins on the friends and family, then turns away unhappily.

If these two scenes were played out today the level of drama would be lost due to the wealth of information we can now access or deduce from our online connections

For example, the misunderstanding of the first scene would be rendered entirely irrelevant when the youngest daughter, Margaret Dashwood, checked her Facebook to see that Edward Ferrars' relationship had changed from "It's complicated" to "Single". She would then need only follow the links from his friends list to see that "Lucy Steele" is now "married to Robert Ferrars" and the whole ensuing distress felt by Elinor could have been avoided.

The second scene shows Willoughby showing remorse and regret for losing Marianne whom he rejected for stability and wealth, and it shows her to be blissfully ignorant to his distress. If he had a mobile phone, he might have texted that he was thinking of her in that moment, bringing up old wounds for her yet making him feel better to have reached out to his true love. The scene also made me wonder how he had found out she was marrying the Colonel... after all, Marianne didn't have a blog, although in this day and age it would be a safe bet to assume she would have one, being of a somewhat sensitive and over-sharing nature unlike her stoic elder sister.

It also made me realise that having this knowledge makes us sadder, and less able to move on from those who break our hearts, or those hearts that we have broken. Something that, in this day and age of endless Google searches and plethora of information shared in mulititude of places, makes it more and more difficult to actually do, unless you are strong enough to avoid it voluntarily.

But who amongst us has that kind of strength these days? Sheer curiosity alone can be enough to lead you to Google and enter a name that should have long since been relegated to the corridors of memory, and find new and fresh ways of opening those wounds.

Being able to "stalk" old love interests, re-ignite those flames, and rake through the debris of current information is a not good thing. It keeps us welded to the past, and leads us to making silly decisions... we are able to torture ourselves via Twitter, Facebook, blogs.

Even for poor Elinor, who imagined her loved one was forever separated from her, having her misunderstanding cleared up instantly would probably not have lessened her anxiety. There was no guarantee that he was going to pursue for her, after all.

It's probably a good lesson in just accepting the circumstances, that we find ourselves in... and if something is meant to be... it will be!

2011, what are we going to create together?

My last post was about reviewing the year that was.

This post is about what I would like to create in 2011.

As opposed to previous years, I will not be listing "New Year's Resolutions" or lists of what I "want". I will be trying to focus on the journey, on the processes that I would like to create. Situations or feelings or habits that I'd like to form. I would like to avoid looking for an outcome, for setting myself expectations on what I want to "achieve" in the past has only led to stress and anxiety and sadness when "it doesn't happen for me."

Say it with me, folks.... the journey is just as important as the destination. As The Muppets sang in Moving Right Along "getting there is half the fun, come share it with me...."

1. Being present in the moment - starting each day with a 10 or 15 minute simple meditation will help me bring mindfulness into my outlook... whether the day will be challenging or not, focusing on my thoughts, my centre and my breath always creates that space of peace within me

2. Stretch in the morning and every so often throughout my working day - simply stretching my limbs and torso will not only provide physical relief, but help sustain a flexible attitude as well.

3. "Do I really need it?" is what I will be asking myself each time I have a desire to buy something, be that a CD, DVD, impulse food item, or service. I have created a savings goal this year for the first time in a long time, and hitting that goal means sticking to a limit on "pleasure" purchases. I have budgeted for them, but it is not limitless which is how I viewed them in the past.

4. Take time off (related to #3's savings plan) - I will allow myself to take "real" holidays once again. My last trip was in 2007 to Thailand, and over the summer I took myself up the coast for sun, sand and saltwater. It did my soul no end of good. in 2011 I will be taking time off for more distant travel. I deserve time off, and to enjoy it.

5. Truly savour what I eat. I will not view food as restricted or dietary, but I will be mindful once more of what I am eating. I will savour it. I will enjoy it fully. And I will ensure that it fuels my activities in the best possible way.

6. Create more activity in daily life, be it walking to work, getting to the gym 3 times a week, or cycling and swimming on the weekend. I will enjoy how moving makes my body feel strong and flexible again.

7. Be open to love in all forms. Whether that continues to be friendship and extended family, or whether that includes meeting a special someone. Just be open to what life serves me in this arena.

8. Be creative, keep writing, keep performing, keep watching.

9. Smile.

10. Be.