With distance, perspective

I feel myself slowly emerging from my latest round of "blah". It is so interesting to watch my thoughts and feelings this time, as they have been given free reign and absolute attention from me as I am not busy distracting myself chasing new "things".

It has been a very different experience to all the other times I have felt rejection from someone I've put a lot of time and energy into. The difference is that this time I have put a moratorium on all things "relationship-wise" on myself for 2012, so I can truly get this perspective from distancing myself from the "problem".

Having a clear break has given me a lot more space to process things just for myself. It was the best idea I have ever had, to NOT do my usual knee-jerk reaction of dipping my toe half back in the water, as I used to do with my former rounds of throwing myself back out there, usually with online dating, activity-doing, or friend-of-a-friend  meeting approaches.

Don't get me wrong, it's been very hard to do that. We all long to be coupled up, to love and to be loved, and I'm no exception. But doing the same things over again and expecting different results was a particular insanity I was not prepared to entertain again.

It is only for 12 months of my life, this moratorium. And I think by the end of this year, I'll have more insight than I ever had before. And even by then if I do NOT meet someone, I would hope that I can see it's not been for lack of working on myself and my own issues.

With distance from relationship issues will come perspective. Already I'm seeing a lot of things I have done and patterns I perpetuate that are unhealthy behaviours, and drive the very outcomes that I fear in relationships. I know I am a very caring person, and can easily see things from other peoples' perspective including their pain and their issues they are trying to deal with, which means I also tend to empathise a bit much which results in trying to help them "fix" themselves in the most loving way I possibly can. So I am drawn naturally to "fixer-uppers" who sometimes mean well, but have no intention of taking the hard steps to fix themselves FOR themselves. I have fallen for "potential" so many times I should consider a career in reality TV real estate renovations.

The number of times I've become frustrated with someone because of their perceived inability to "do for themselves" or "see something" that I can so clearly see, that it drives a wedge between them and myself, and I end up losing regard for them, instead of just looking at them for where they are in life at that moment and asking myself "is this for me"?

Would save a lot of pain and heartache if I did this.

I have to accept that everyone is simply growing and learning at their own pace, and just because I can "help" doesn't mean that I should. Doesn't mean it's my "job", or calling, or gift, or whatever you want to call it.

What I have struggled with a lot is the idea of accepting. Accepting love, accepting care, accepting help and accepting support. This is almost an alien concept to me, and it feels very very weird when someone offers it to me. Why should that be the case? I say that I want a loving, caring, supportive partner. And yet when it is offered I reject it because it doesn't feel right. Does that mean it only feels right when I'm the strong partner in a partnership? No wonder I always feel so worn out and lack energy after my relationships cease. I'm always exhausted. Always needing to regroup, heal and nurture myself because there was no nurturing of myself within the relationship.

There is no conclusion yet, I'm still in the process of discovery. And discovery without distraction. It's a good place to be.

Actions vs words

Something's been playing on my mind lately. It's the old authenticity question again. Am I holding myself accountable for my own authenticity?

Am I expressing my authentic self, and not just projecting what I think others want to believe me to be.

Yes, that one's a brain twister, but it's the trap we consistently keep falling back into, and must remember to give ourselves a reality check.

So today's reality check is this. Can I be truly authentic to myself and my feelings, when I allow those people who are in my thoughts and in my life to get away with being inauthentic? I think the answer is no. And it's something I have been struggling with, in terms of a recent exiting party in my life. When I start trying to reconcile what he was saying he wanted with the actual outcome, the life he is currently living, my thoughts go around the twist, which then means I have to heave a very large sigh and let it go. Because I can't tolerate it anymore. It takes its toll on MY authenticity to keep believing his words, as opposed to watching his actions.

I have very recently stumbled across an amazing website that's helped me get further out of the funk of "what the hell just happened..." called Baggage Reclaim, and it's about people (mostly women on that site) who have low self-esteem within relationships, who hold few boundaries over their interpersonal (and sometimes work) relationships, and expecting little to nothing from people when clearly they should be expecting a basic level of honesty and communication, as well as follow through.

I can see a lot of myself on this website. A lot of mistakes and a lot of issues with holding myself accountable to being authentically true to myself. I can see how not holding those boundaries for others to adhere to has affected my own self-esteem. Who could respect me, when I don't even respect myself?

I have been slowly turning this insight further inwards, and re-evaluating every single relationship I've ever had where the common denominator has been my inability to set boundaries, hold people accountable for their actions, and walking away when those boundaies were crossed (or expectations not met).

Seems pretty simple, huh? It's not for someone who has obviously had such a low opinion of herself that she allows herself to be swayed by feelings for someone, not the truth of what their actions are telling her about them.

Now, I am not saying that feelings are not important. But when relationships are not based on solid foundations, like shared values, then there comes a point where you have to get off the fantasy train and give yourself a reality check of what's going on.

Single

It's Valentine's Day. And yet this year I'm not sad about it. This is a new thing.

Single.

It's been my state of being for the past 6 and a half years. Although I've dipped in and out of dating and a few very short term relationships within that time, I would not classify myself to be anything other than single for the entire time.

Single.

I never imagined it would take this long for me to find love again.

Single.

If I had been told at the beginning of my rollercoaster journey that I would still be on my own by 2012 I would have either gone batshit crazy or ended it right then and there.

Single.

I've held a space open in my heart for someone who either didn't value it or didn't understand it was there.

Single.

It doesn't seem to grate on me today like it often has.

I've read a few comments and quotes that resonate with me.

"The greatest gift you can give to another is your happiness" - Esther Abraham-Hicks

"Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls a shadow of a sword. On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "All is confusing. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous." - Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love


I think I am finally resigned to my singledom, or at least grown so comfortable with it that it no longer bothers me. I don't think I'm living the life I was meant to live though, and that's confusing. I have done a lot of searching and a lot of activity to find out what I like, what drives me, what makes me passionate FOR MYSELF.


And I still couldn't tell you the answer to that even if you poked me repeatedly with a stick.


One thing is certain, I'm not looking anymore. And I know this is true because every other Valentine's Day I've had a knee jerk reaction to just "going out and finding anybody" to spend time with.


Unhealthy patterns of behaviour Vs me: 0-1.

Quote

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off you.”

- Maya Angelou, icon & poet.

Time

My time is precious.

How am I spending it?

Am I spending it with people I love? Am I spending it doing things that I love? Am I wasting it? Do I deserve the time I have been given? Could I be passing my time more wisely?

These are questions that wake me up in the early hours of the morning.

I feel like I'm drifting at the moment, but isn't that just as valid a use of my time? In just... being?

I sometimes think I put far too much on my plate to distract myself from things that are important, thoughts that are important, and questions that I am running away from. I've tried to face the most important unresolved issues for me during 2011, and ended up sorting much of it out, but still ending up in exactly the same place as I started. I'm still trying to reconcile the outcome with the experience. And if that's not enough to drive one to solitude and introspection, I don't know what is.

I just don't have the mental energy right now to change anything in my life, or to take up anything new that looks like "the answer for now". I'm holding on tight to stability, and maybe that is the best use of my time right now. Why do I always feel like I have to be super productive, moving forward at a rate of knots, and achieving outcomes like that's all my worth is as a person?

Shit My Dad Says

I realise there is a very popular blog with this title, but I don't think they can lay sole claim over having a dad that says weird things. In fact, I think it's possibly a rite of passage for any man becoming a father where it becomes compulsory to adopt some weird and wonderful sayings that are trotted out again and again and again and again.

I will try to recall as many of my dad's overused sayings here.

1. When asked for money, says "I've gone deaf!"

2. If that's dinner I've had it!

3. What's for ice cream?

4. When asked to do anything, "I have to do everything!"

5. If complimented, will beam and say "I'm handsome, suave and debonair!"

6. If you crack a joke "You think you're funny don't you?" (emphasis on every second word)

7. If you say something smart "You think you're clever don't you?" (emphasis on every second word)

8. If I had some eggs, I could have eggs and bacon, if I had bacon

9. Never assume, it makes an ass out of u and me

That's all I can remember for now. I will ask my brothers and sister for their input, and update the blog. Stay tuned.

UPDATE:

10. If given money. "I'll just spend it on chips and lollies. The rest I'll waste"

I am enough

I was reading the Sunday papers this morning with my chocolate hot cross bun and double espresso, wondering why I didn't get up at 5am to get to cycle training, and beating myself up mentally about it...

Then I read something that helped me a lot.

It was an article in the Body and Soul section of the Telegraph, about an article on self esteem, and the link to love. There was a study done which found links from peoples' beliefs that they were intrinsically worthy of love, and how they felt about themselves. Or something.

Maybe I should go back down and grab the paper and re-read it, because I'm sure I have that wrong now.*

Anyways, the point of the article was that we should all just be thinking "I am enough". POOF! Instant cure.

I'mma gonna try it anyway.

"I am enough"

*UPDATE: It was in the SUN-Herald, S-Well section. "The Price of Shame". Excerpt: "Connecting with others is what gives life meaning but, according to Brown, for many of us our ability to connect with those around us is too often undermined by a sense of shame."

"After thousands of research interviews she was able to divide people into those who felt worthy of "love and belonging" and those whose shame made them feel unworthy."


"Those who felt worthy embraced their own vulnerability. The others, however, numb their vulnerability with drink, drugs, food and spending."


I am SO guilty of doing this, numbing my vulnerability with all of these things, so compassion towards self is the first step to getting closer to feeling worthy of love. This is so tied up with what I am doing for my body, it's not funny. I always thought my search for love and search for a better, healthier, body were two different things, despite my family and friends pointing out that as soon as I mastered one, the other would follow suit.


So, being enough, is that enough to get me up earlier and get to my early morning sessions where I need to be self-directing rather than having an appointment with a trainer who yells at me if I cancel? I think that's the key!

Focusing on the positive

I just dipped into an online newspaper, something I used to do a lot of. Not so much anymore, and I realise why.

The headlines are universally depressing. A homeless woman found dead up a tree, shootings in Sydney, body dis-morphia, rising rates of depression in youth, people protesting same-sex anything, immigrants, refugees, kids killing kids, suicide threat of XBox workers in Japan, divorce, relationship breakdowns, celebrity marriages and breakups, credit card debt..... crap crap crap... the list goes on!

I want to truly connect with my inner peace on a daily basis this year. I think I will ditch reading "news" and focus on the good sources of inspiration and joy. I read The Daily Love every day now, an inspiring blog about the journey into your own spirit. I also get daily digests from The Daily Om, another inspiring site that always seems relevant to my life.

In the spirit of not pursuing anything to do with romantic relationships this year, I have unsubscribed from anything to do with "singles, dating and partnerships" and I have vowed to stop reading SMH relationship blogs and Life&Style section which usually leave me feeling more confused and lost than before.

If you have a daily dose of inspiration that you would like to share, please leave a link in the comments. I'd love to build up my repertoire of wholesome, nurturing go-to places for when I need a soul boost.

Backburning of the soul

In the winter months our fearless firies do much-needed backburning of dry leaves and undergrowth that can become fuel for our raging bushfires during our summer months.

It can be painful and cause smoke and people complain, but it is for the greater good.

After a painful month of introspection and introversion, I've decided to declare 2012 as my relationship winter, where I can focus on the dead wood, undergrowth and dry leaves of worry and cares that I seem to have kept carrying around without noticing.

I know I have been here before, and said this before, but this time I am deadly serious. 12 months off from all relationship worries, advice, seeking, searching and cares. 2012 is my year of backburning which will prepare me for a summer of love with no fuel available to foster the out-of-control fire that seems to destroy my past attempts at relationships.

I have all the tools and all the awareness I need, I am not going to search any further for guidance. Meditation, fostering inner peace, doing exercise, healthful living and focus on self-love should do the trick.

Hello darkness my old friend

Okay, confession time. I'm not having a great time. In fact, I'm feeling very very down and have been since the end of November. I'm coming to grips with a loss that is hard to come to grips with, and I have the feeling it will be this way for a very long time.

But I should know by now that nothing lasts forever, even feeling bad.

So I am trying, in my own way, to cope with these feelings. I get my Pollyanna on. I get positive, I become my own cheerleader. I try to look for the positive, I try to look for the love where I haven't noticed it before, because it feels like I've lost it. It's always this way, when this happens.

I am hoping that at some stage the "fake it till you make it" will work and I will start feeling genuinely joyful again.

I've been here so many times before it's almost a well-worn rug now. I know every threadbare trail where I have plodded up and down, up and down, processing and thinking.

My problem is that I have genuinely tried everything before, to get myself back to "what makes me happy". I joined a Gospel Choir, I have done improv comedy, stand up comedy, I tried music, going to live gigs, I hang out with family and friends, I've tried solitude and meditation, I've tried kinesiology to unwrap emotions, I have done psychic spiritual development, I've written blogs, read other peoples' blogs, I've thrown myself into various jobs, I've seen a life coach.... now I'm training like a mofo and throwing myself into the healthy living option (choose life!).

I honestly can't see what will get me through this dark patch. I'm restless, wondering, and the only cure for what ails me is the problem itself. A bit like a nicotine addiction.

I thought I would feel a lot better than I do by now.

What the *bleep* is wrong with me?