On being "difficult"

I read a column this morning in the Daily Life on Germaine Greer's encouragement of women to be more "difficult". And it got me thinking.

Away from my long-held obsession to be "in a relationship" (any relationship, doesn't matter what kind, so long as I'm not dundundunnnnnnn SINGLE), along with distance and perspective, comes the comfortability within myself enough to embrace the concept of being "difficult".

Oh, yes.

I have been labelled "difficult" from many sources. It's sometimes wrapped up in the guise of another word or description, but I will come out of the closet, loud and proud, and embrace all these words and phrases that slap a big ol' "D" for difficult on my chest.

I used to think being "difficult" meant I was limiting my chances for a normal, settled, happy life. I have heard phrases that tell me I am inhibiting a whole wide world market for men out there that would be able to "deal" with me (and my "difficult" way of thinking).

"You think too much"
"I don't get you"
"You're weird sometimes"
"You're too intense"
"Can we just stop talking about <insert subject at hand>?"
<insert blank look or radio silence at something I've said>
"I wish you hadn't told me that" (in relation to my other life, trying to help them understand why I think or react the way that I do)
"I'm out"

Even before I had a really full-on life experience like the one I have been blogging about, not to mention a few other hairy and gnarly relationships that really knocked me around and made me look more closely at myself, others, and life in general, I was considered "eccentric". I burned with a light of curiosity and eagerness to know stuff. I wanted to read every book in the world (age 8). I actually liked going to school to learn stuff (not for the social side). I hated to do things wrong, and I'd do everything in my power to watch the experts and emulate them in what they did. I used to watch my elders intently to work out the secret of growing up more quickly so I could get on with the business of being ME without having to conform to someone else's ideas of who ME was. My mother can attest to how challenging I was all through my growing-up phases. Possibly even still.

Difficult. Me.

Difficult because I want to be free to be ME. Fully. Completely. No compromising.

So, here is why I am so difficult. I am saying all of this with the benefit of hindsight and perspective from about 6.5 years of trying to work out why I behave the way I do.

1. I don't tolerate bullshit
2. I relentlessly seek the truth in all situations, even within my own self
3. I don't put up with assclownery
4. I ask the hard questions in relationships now, and of myself
5. I give enough rope for people to prove me wrong in all of the above, but keep it short
6. Once I have seen the truth in something, I can't allow myself to deny having seen it
7. I like to discuss it all. Life, the universe, everything.
8. I read, a lot of challenging things, to all my opinions. Sometimes I can be *gasp* wrong.
9. I talk about what I read
10. I try to be 100% myself, in all situations

I see things differently about my so-called "difficult" nature, past, baggage, personality, thought processes, willingness to get to the bottom of the truth of things... I don't see it now as something to be ashamed of or to try and hide away. In fact, nowadays I present it almost as the first thing people see. If they don't like it, they don't like it. It's a wonderful qualification tool.

If I tried to be anything different, I'd make myself miserable. And that's just not sustainable for anyone.

I see it as liberating me from the wrong people. I am who I am. And anyone that finds that difficult can just keep on moving right along!

I embrace my Diffi-cult-ness.

Selfish. Can we think of a better word?

I was told recently that I am "selfish".

Instantly my hackles got up at this. What? Me selfish? How dare they... I'm not selfish!

[Cried my ego]

Then I thought about it. I AM selfish. My life is predominantly "Tash"-focused, and I don't really have to consider others in my overall life plans (for the most part). I also know exactly who my"self" is. I have always known this. I also know exactly what my"self" wants, and what it doesn't want. And I'm not willing to compromise it.

I guess that could all be seen as "selfish" to others.

However, what I was initially reacting to was the overall negative connotation that being "selfish" always brings up. It seems like such a nasty, small-minded, self-serving thing to be. But I actually think being selfish gets a really bad rap. Of course we all need to be considerate of others, compassionate, have empathy. But sometimes wouldn't it be good for us all to be a little more "selfish".

The immediate person that comes to mind is the self-sacrificing mother who always puts her broods' needs before hers, draining her "self" of nurturing, and ending up grumpy, snappish, and lacking a sense of humour or perspective. Wouldn't it be a good thing for her to engage in little random acts of selfishness? Wouldn't that bring a little joy to her day, and fill her emotional cup... if mum is happy, then everyone is happy?

And how about the family man, toiling away in a job he doesn't particularly love bringing home the bacon for his brood. Building up anger and resentment that his dreams and passions have been sacrificed. Would it not bring a little harmony if he were allowed to be a little selfish and take time out for things he loves to do?

In fact, anyone who is finding themselves continually putting the needs of others before their own, should balance the scales and practice a little selfishness.

There needs to be a balance between selfless and selfish. But I feel that selfless seems to have a better rep in this world, people admire those who are selfless. Whereas "selfish" seems to be a quality that people use to attack someone when they see them doing something they don't agree with, or maybe it's jealousy that they don't feel they could act that way in their self-interest?

It is possible for someone to be selfish and have great compassion and empathy for others. In fact, I will go one step further and say that it is necessary TO be selfish to allow yourself to fully allow yourself to feel compassion and empathy for others, because you have already taken care of your emotional needs.

Your thoughts?

It's not always about me, and it's not always about you

I have started to really understand something more clearly since removing my head out of my ass, relationship-wise...

[Sidenote: boy, it's refreshing to be out of there. The air is sweeter, you can breathe properly, and things don't look so dark.]

[Apologies: to those who find the whole "head up own ass" analogy to be unpalatable.]

It's not always about me. And, in another really interesting version of that, it's not always about you.

From writing my experiences about my marriage, I've really come to realise how much head-ass action was going on. My head was up my own ass, and when it wasn't there I was busy poking my nose into O.P.P. (other peoples' problems), in other words, letting myself get involved in other peoples' heads being up their own asses, really it's any wonder I had a single clear thought at all with all that focus on the other end of our anatomy.

I joke. But there's a really interesting lesson in it for me.

When I'm not busy overblowing my own importance in this world, things seem to calm down a lot internally. My anxiety takes a hike and I learn to love the silences, and even the longer gaps "between drinks at Ye Olde Relationship Watering Hole."

What about this. What if I'm never meant to be part of another couple. Ever. Again. Wow. I said it. What if that were my destiny. I can, for the first time, say that fear out loud, without it bringing up sadness, regret or jealousy for what I see others having that I feel "I deserve to have".

What if that was it. The end. Well. I am still a fully functioning adult, for the most part. I still contribute. I still feel. I still love. I still have an impact on the world, no matter how small or large.

I deserve to be here.

And here is the other thing. When I'm not overblowing the significance or importance that others (I mean specifically in a relationship sense) have on my life and "story", I get even more calm and less anxious. Because, what if they were never the right ones for me in the first place. What if I had been projecting far more importance and significance on them from a place of my own needs wanting to be met. What if they were just another person, getting on in life to the best of their ability, doing the stuff that they do and not really understanding how much impact they were having on me, because of my own head-up-own-ass activities.

It's not always about me. And it's not always about you.

It's liberating.

More Shit My Dad Says

I stumbled over a list of sayings I had already started compiling from what my dad says. This is Part II of a series.

1. Who’s the greatest, and why am I?

2. Money talks, but it always says goodbye to me.

3. Don’t debate the issue.

4. I’ll just get a sharp piece of paper and a pencil.

5. I’m always in the shit, it’s just the depth that varies.

6. There’s no such thing as bad [insert food here], just varying degrees of perfection.

7. That’s for starters, now where’s dinner?

8. I was older when I was your age..(taller, heavier, etc)

When I Grow Up...

When I Grow Up, I want to be:

1. A doctor
2. A writer
3. Independent

I have (sort of) accomplished these things.

I completed my Cert IV in kinesiology, which is not allopathic by any stretch of the imagination, it's an energetic modality. For those who hate the words "energetic" and "modality" I was once one your kind. Until I experienced the benefits myself from an extreme place of depression, anxiety and general poor health and stress levels. I learned an incredible amount about the human body from a physical perspective, and also the psychology and emotional attachments we place on events in our lives, that have a direct effect on our health and wellbeing, as well as our ability to recover from stress.

I have been a journalist, and a published IT market analyst. But I've not (yet) been published as an author of a piece of work I could call my very own. I'm working on that right now, and there are a whole lot of ideas that have been crowding my brain for decades that are now pushing their way out of my mind and through my typing fingers. I am on a pretty big ride at the moment, writing about a pretty intense part of my life. I have been told I'm a good writer, and that people are now hooked on each installment. This gives me a lot of hope and is spurring me to keep going. I think I've always been a writer. In denial.

I also have a sneaking suspicion this book could help people in a very real way, which is inspiring my sense of purpose and meaning in my life. Something I've felt to be missing for a very long time.

I am not independent at the moment in the sense that I live with my family. However, I am free of any relationship dramas. I am free of any non-relationship bullshit. And I'm independently seeking my way back to my authentic self. The self that I happen to know rocks pretty hard. One day I'll spread my wings and fly the coop again, and I look forward to regaining total independence once more.

This is me.

All growed up.

What's the difference?

What is the difference between feeling depressed, or just feeling generally shitty with life?

I definitely don't think I'm depressed anymore, I've had way too many signs lately that I'm actually enjoying stuff I used to enjoy, I'm writing again, I have a goal, which is giving it meaning. Each day is not simply going through the motions, but actually planning a little more, forward thinking and connecting with people at home, at work, in general.

But I still don't feel joyful or happy. I just feel.... shitty with life.

I am okay with this feeling, in the spirit of just feeling my feelings...... so.... what? ... I'm feeling a little jacked off with my life and circumstances... doesn't mean anything, yeah?

I was at a marketing and networking event this afternoon, and I met quite a few of my former colleagues from my life as a journo. I started feeling homesick for that time of my life, I started glorifying the hard slog, the incredible frustrations of pulling a news story or feature together, the deadlines, the juggling multiple interests of publishers, editors and ad reps... That's the other thing that I've noticed lately. I've become mega nostalgic. Seems that ANY time in my past has a rose coloured tint, and I look back on it with a sigh, thinking "that was truly the happiest time of my life"

What gives?

Most of the time, I was trying to get further up the career ladder or getting frustrated with my paycheck, or wanting to move somewhere else.

The grass is always greener, eh?

But here was another thought as I drove home with the peak hour traffic, reminiscing fondly about that very same route I drove from between North Sydney to Parramatta every day right after the most difficult time of my life. If I can now reminisce about THAT period as being so effing great, there is something seriously wrong with how I am viewing my life RIGHT NOW!

I know I have committed to where I am at for at least this year. But seriously, folks, if I have to feel this way about it, there must be something wrong, right?

With distance, perspective

I feel myself slowly emerging from my latest round of "blah". It is so interesting to watch my thoughts and feelings this time, as they have been given free reign and absolute attention from me as I am not busy distracting myself chasing new "things".

It has been a very different experience to all the other times I have felt rejection from someone I've put a lot of time and energy into. The difference is that this time I have put a moratorium on all things "relationship-wise" on myself for 2012, so I can truly get this perspective from distancing myself from the "problem".

Having a clear break has given me a lot more space to process things just for myself. It was the best idea I have ever had, to NOT do my usual knee-jerk reaction of dipping my toe half back in the water, as I used to do with my former rounds of throwing myself back out there, usually with online dating, activity-doing, or friend-of-a-friend  meeting approaches.

Don't get me wrong, it's been very hard to do that. We all long to be coupled up, to love and to be loved, and I'm no exception. But doing the same things over again and expecting different results was a particular insanity I was not prepared to entertain again.

It is only for 12 months of my life, this moratorium. And I think by the end of this year, I'll have more insight than I ever had before. And even by then if I do NOT meet someone, I would hope that I can see it's not been for lack of working on myself and my own issues.

With distance from relationship issues will come perspective. Already I'm seeing a lot of things I have done and patterns I perpetuate that are unhealthy behaviours, and drive the very outcomes that I fear in relationships. I know I am a very caring person, and can easily see things from other peoples' perspective including their pain and their issues they are trying to deal with, which means I also tend to empathise a bit much which results in trying to help them "fix" themselves in the most loving way I possibly can. So I am drawn naturally to "fixer-uppers" who sometimes mean well, but have no intention of taking the hard steps to fix themselves FOR themselves. I have fallen for "potential" so many times I should consider a career in reality TV real estate renovations.

The number of times I've become frustrated with someone because of their perceived inability to "do for themselves" or "see something" that I can so clearly see, that it drives a wedge between them and myself, and I end up losing regard for them, instead of just looking at them for where they are in life at that moment and asking myself "is this for me"?

Would save a lot of pain and heartache if I did this.

I have to accept that everyone is simply growing and learning at their own pace, and just because I can "help" doesn't mean that I should. Doesn't mean it's my "job", or calling, or gift, or whatever you want to call it.

What I have struggled with a lot is the idea of accepting. Accepting love, accepting care, accepting help and accepting support. This is almost an alien concept to me, and it feels very very weird when someone offers it to me. Why should that be the case? I say that I want a loving, caring, supportive partner. And yet when it is offered I reject it because it doesn't feel right. Does that mean it only feels right when I'm the strong partner in a partnership? No wonder I always feel so worn out and lack energy after my relationships cease. I'm always exhausted. Always needing to regroup, heal and nurture myself because there was no nurturing of myself within the relationship.

There is no conclusion yet, I'm still in the process of discovery. And discovery without distraction. It's a good place to be.

Actions vs words

Something's been playing on my mind lately. It's the old authenticity question again. Am I holding myself accountable for my own authenticity?

Am I expressing my authentic self, and not just projecting what I think others want to believe me to be.

Yes, that one's a brain twister, but it's the trap we consistently keep falling back into, and must remember to give ourselves a reality check.

So today's reality check is this. Can I be truly authentic to myself and my feelings, when I allow those people who are in my thoughts and in my life to get away with being inauthentic? I think the answer is no. And it's something I have been struggling with, in terms of a recent exiting party in my life. When I start trying to reconcile what he was saying he wanted with the actual outcome, the life he is currently living, my thoughts go around the twist, which then means I have to heave a very large sigh and let it go. Because I can't tolerate it anymore. It takes its toll on MY authenticity to keep believing his words, as opposed to watching his actions.

I have very recently stumbled across an amazing website that's helped me get further out of the funk of "what the hell just happened..." called Baggage Reclaim, and it's about people (mostly women on that site) who have low self-esteem within relationships, who hold few boundaries over their interpersonal (and sometimes work) relationships, and expecting little to nothing from people when clearly they should be expecting a basic level of honesty and communication, as well as follow through.

I can see a lot of myself on this website. A lot of mistakes and a lot of issues with holding myself accountable to being authentically true to myself. I can see how not holding those boundaries for others to adhere to has affected my own self-esteem. Who could respect me, when I don't even respect myself?

I have been slowly turning this insight further inwards, and re-evaluating every single relationship I've ever had where the common denominator has been my inability to set boundaries, hold people accountable for their actions, and walking away when those boundaies were crossed (or expectations not met).

Seems pretty simple, huh? It's not for someone who has obviously had such a low opinion of herself that she allows herself to be swayed by feelings for someone, not the truth of what their actions are telling her about them.

Now, I am not saying that feelings are not important. But when relationships are not based on solid foundations, like shared values, then there comes a point where you have to get off the fantasy train and give yourself a reality check of what's going on.

Single

It's Valentine's Day. And yet this year I'm not sad about it. This is a new thing.

Single.

It's been my state of being for the past 6 and a half years. Although I've dipped in and out of dating and a few very short term relationships within that time, I would not classify myself to be anything other than single for the entire time.

Single.

I never imagined it would take this long for me to find love again.

Single.

If I had been told at the beginning of my rollercoaster journey that I would still be on my own by 2012 I would have either gone batshit crazy or ended it right then and there.

Single.

I've held a space open in my heart for someone who either didn't value it or didn't understand it was there.

Single.

It doesn't seem to grate on me today like it often has.

I've read a few comments and quotes that resonate with me.

"The greatest gift you can give to another is your happiness" - Esther Abraham-Hicks

"Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls a shadow of a sword. On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "All is confusing. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous." - Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love


I think I am finally resigned to my singledom, or at least grown so comfortable with it that it no longer bothers me. I don't think I'm living the life I was meant to live though, and that's confusing. I have done a lot of searching and a lot of activity to find out what I like, what drives me, what makes me passionate FOR MYSELF.


And I still couldn't tell you the answer to that even if you poked me repeatedly with a stick.


One thing is certain, I'm not looking anymore. And I know this is true because every other Valentine's Day I've had a knee jerk reaction to just "going out and finding anybody" to spend time with.


Unhealthy patterns of behaviour Vs me: 0-1.

Quote

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off you.”

- Maya Angelou, icon & poet.