Great moments of 2010

2010 is coming to a close, and it's time to reflect on the great things that happened, the not so great things, and the journey that is coming to a close for another year.

While it has been another rollercoaster, I have felt more in control of my destiny than ever before. I have felt more stable and capable of driving rather than being a passenger of my life. While certain goals have not manifested, I can see that I have come closer than ever to achieving them.

It's been a year of closing doors to some things that have not been healthy patterns. It has been a year of great awakenings and self awareness. It has been blessed from start to finish with incredible growth. And, as much as I bellyache from day to day about not getting what I want, or feel that I deserve, I always come back to the great lesson that life is teaching me: patience.

My list of great moments of 2010.

1. I finished my second triathlon, and bought a tri-bike custom built for the task
2. I shed my inhibitions and stood naked with over 5,000 fellow Sydneysiders on the steps of the Opera House
3. I rediscovered my love of baking
4. I learnt the art of cupcake decorating
5. I did half of the Level Three improvisation course
6. I made new blogger friends AND new friends in my neighbourhood
7. I travelled to Hay for a Sex and the Country photoshoot
8. I did half of a Stand Up Comedy course
9. I dated three men during the year... the most recent one came closest to Mr Right, even though he wasn't "ready for a relationship"... this is at least a positive step
10. I started my kinesiology business and finished all the requirements for my Cert IV
11. I came up with a great idea for a TV series, which I am about to start collaborating on with a friend
12. I started seeing a Life Coach and have finally pinned down my real goals and values in life
13. I have participated in, and supported, multiple improvisation comedy shows
14. I co-wrote two songs for a friend's band
15. I wore more dresses, and didn't stress so much about how I looked in them
16. Very importantly.... whenever the Black Dog bit... I didn't push my friends away... I asked for help... and I kept smiling :)
17. I started slowing down
18. I visited my family much more than in recent years
19. I started meditating again
20. I felt more connected to and more loved than ever before in my life by my friends and family. This has been the ultimate achievement for me.

All I want for Christmas

I have been thinking a lot about my Christmas wishlist, as we do a sweep within my family. Try as I might this year, I could not think of a single compelling "thing" that I desperately needed or wanted.

There are things I wouldn't mind having, but they are not really what I'd suggest someone to give me for as a gift for Christmas.

I am a big believer that experiences and memories are more valuable than "things" when it comes to gifts. And the very very sad fact is that I don't have anyone special to create those memories with at the moment, and haven't had this for quite some time. I have dated, I have met people, I have given each opportunity the best chance I could at the time. I do my best, I put on my bravest face to meet every day with a smile and my positive attitude. But so often I am ground down by this single fact, that all I really want for Christmas (and the rest of the year) is someone who "gets" me, someone that I "get", someone to create memories with for the rest of our lives.

I am 37. I am gainfully employed. I own my own home. I am funny. I am intelligent. I am not so bad looking. I am kind. I cook. I bake! Whatever baggage I have accumulated, I have also created a very stable way of moving forward without it weighing me down too much. I am great company. I am fun to be around. I have hobbies. I am not a psycho-scary Sydney princess who just wants someone to take care of her while she pops out babies.

I seriously do not understand why I am have not met him, the one who is ready for me, who lights my fire, who responds to mine. I do not understand what more I need to do, what more growth I need to have. Surely if I am ready, he should appear, that's been the promise from all the New Age positive thinking and mantras I bought into over the years.

One hundred movies

I have crossed out the movies I have seen. The ones in bold I own.

I have come to the conclusion I'm a bit of a movie fanatic.


1. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
2. The Godfather (1972)
3. The Godfather: Part II (1974)
4. Inception (2010)
5. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
6. Pulp Fiction (1994)
7. Schindler’s List (1993)
8. 12 Angry Men (1957)
9. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
10. The Dark Knight (2008)
11. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
12. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
13. Seven Samurai (1954)
14. Star Wars (1977)
15. Goodfellas (1990)
16. Casablanca (1942)
17. Fight Club (1999)
18. City of God (2002)
19. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
20. Toy Story 3 (2010)
21. Rear Window (1954)
22. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
23. Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
24. Psycho (1960)
25. The Usual Suspects (1995)
26. The Matrix (1999)
27. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
28. Se7en (1995)
29. Memento (2000)
30. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
31. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
32. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
33. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
34. Leon: The Professional (1994)
35. Forrest Gump (1994)
36. Citizen Kane (1941)
37. Apocalypse Now (1979)
38. North by Northwest (1959)
39. American Beauty (1999)
40. American History X (1998)
41. Taxi Driver (1976)
42. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
43. Vertigo (1958)
44. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
45. Amelie (2001)
46. Alien (1979)
47. WALL·E (2008)
48. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
49. The Shining (1980)
50. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
51. Spirited Away (2001)
52. Paths of Glory (1957)
53. The Pianist (2002)
54. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
55. Double Indemnity (1944)
56. The Departed (2006)
57. The Lives of Others (2006)
58. M (1931)
59. Aliens (1986)
60. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
61. City Lights (1931)
62. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
63. Das Boot (1981)
64. The Third Man (1949)
65. Chinatown (1974)
66. L.A. Confidential (1997)
67. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
68. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
69. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
70. Modern Times (1936)
71. Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
72. Back to the Future (1985)
73. The Prestige (2006)
74. Life Is Beautiful (1997)
75. Raging Bull (1980)
76. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
77. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)
78. Cinema Paradiso (1988)
79. Some Like It Hot (1959)
80. Rashômon (1950)
81. Amadeus (1984)
82. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
83. All About Eve (1950)
84. 8.3 Inglourious Basterds (2009)
85. Once Upon a Time in America (1984)
86. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
87. The Green Mile (1999)
88. Braveheart (1995)
89. The Great Dictator (1940)
90. Downfall (2004)
91. Up (2009)
92. The Apartment (1960)
93. Gran Torino (2008)
94. Bicycle Thieves (1948)
95. Metropolis (1927)
96. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
97. The Elephant Man (1980)
98. Gladiator (2000)
99. The Sting (1973) 
100. Sin City (2005)

There is heat in freezing, be a testament

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you can hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid-being-alone principles.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees that only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat-lunch-and-run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert and cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best in human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.

Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no-one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself.

Perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no-one believes like you. All experience is unique, no-one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life's magic, things in reach.

And it doesn’t mean you aren't connected, that community’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn’t get you, or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Viral hoaxes and what we can learn from them as marketers

Last week a social viral networking message swept Facebook.

Change your profile picture to one of your favorite (sic) childhood cartoon characters and ask your friends to do the same. The point of the game? To have no human faces on Facebook only childhood memories by Monday to fight child abuse. Copy and paste to spread the word!

It was effective in its simplicity, and hour by hour whole networks changed their Facebook profile picture to a cartoon character, along with hotly debated favourite characters, as well as blistering comments from non-cartoonified social networkers that the campaign was not an effective means to raise awareness for its stated cause.

A follow up warning the next day that the whole campaign was a scam started by paedophiles only added fuel to the fire, and this blogger was involved with some fairly passionate discussions over whether promoting a donation to a children’s advocacy group might be a more worthwhile use of one’s time and efforts.

Regardless of whether any of these statements were true or not, the whole issue got me thinking as a marketer. Over several days, a single statement spread like wildfire and harnessed people into action, whether it was a simple image and Facebook status update change, a deeper debate over whether these are merely a nuisance, or the most coveted marketer’s dream of actually inspiring a small percentage to donate to worthy causes.

So I looked into what makes the most popular viral campaigns so effective. Were there commonalities? A quick poll of my network on their primary motivating force behind joining in, provided the following principles:

1. we like to have fun
2. we like to be good “Net”izens (ie: warning our friends and family about something dangerous)
3. we are led to act by emotionally charged messages
4. the action can’t be too demanding
5. we need to feel this action is voluntary, whether we want to feel good, clever, or belong to a group
6. we don’t like being told what to do

So my next question is whether these principles can be applied to actual marketing campaigns that deliver outcomes. Let’s take a look at each principle and see whether it is possible.

We like to have fun
This seems an easy one to accomplish, but in practice it’s a little more difficult. Watching The Gruen Transfer demonstrates that much of the PR, advertising and marketing world struggles with this. However, it’s a proven fact that the more fun, or funny a message is, the more likely it will resonate with its audience.

Thinking tangentially is the key here. Try an improvisation workshop to understand how to create interesting storylines, ask a comedian to deliver your message, or put yourself into the shoes of a child.

Example: The recent Facebook campaign for child abuse

Being a good Netizen

Feeling useful, or clever or “in the know” is a key element to many of these campaigns. It appeals to our basic human need for acceptance and recognition.

Example: Every version of “be careful in XYZ car park, police have warned of several attacks on women”, or the classic “waking up in a bath full of ice with your kidneys gone” messages.

Emotionally charged messages

Facts don’t sell, emotionally engaging your audience will. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, as in the case of child abuse or linking it to a dearly held childhood memory of cartoons, but there does need to be some kind of emotional engagement with the audience.

Example: Old Spice YouTube ads, asking ladies whether they want their man to be like the Alpha male presenting the message!

Undemanding actions

Social media campaigns that make the barriers to participate too high are doomed to stall. Making too much of a demand on your audience will lose their interest quickly. Keep it simple by providing as few links as possible, pre-filled forms and giving them canned messages that can be shared on other social media forums with a simple mouseclick.

Example: The recent GetUp campaign to raise money for an advertisement in the New York Times to campaign on behalf of WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange. The donations page provided the donor with a pre-written Facebook and Twitter message, which got the message out in hours, and achieved its aim of $250,000 for the full-page advertisement.

I did it voluntarily

Research has shown that 80% of business purchasers felt they found the supplier. It works in a similar vein for social networking, as a group we need to feel like we belong to a herd, but that we are all “individuals”.

The solution is to cultivate relationships with influencers within the demographic you are aiming for. This could be a celebrity, or simply a highly networked individual within your existing circles.

Example: any kind of subculture that crops up, sparking an instant “fad”.

Don’t tell me what to do

This is perhaps the trickiest part of creating a viral sensation for a corporate marketing campaign. In this way, you will need an individual to deliver your message, not appearing to derive from a corporate “brand” itself. However, the other side of this coin is that punters also don’t like feeling like they have been duped, so transparency is important. Furthermore, we have grown very marketing-conscious, so this part is a very delicate balancing act.

Having a message or a “cause” that appeals to the audience’s sense of justice is a way of overcoming this barrier. However, if you are simply flogging products or services in the absence of a “cause” it’s probably best to stick to traditional marketing channels!

Examples: GetUp, fundraising efforts by individuals, Pet Rescue Campaign

Self Confidence. You can't beat it.

So, I only recently blogged about having met the perfect guy for me. And you know what, he was. But you also know what? He started saying things that raised red flags. Quite a few of them. Like "we are not involved", and "I am not ready for a relationship" (every single time we spoke), and kept asking my advice about his ex girlfriend and another friend (female who clearly wants to pursue him as a romantic partner). And yet, I wasn't told about some pretty big life changing things that happened to him, until I probed.

Now, I was not in any way pushing for a full-blown relationship, as at this stage in my life that's just not where I am at. However, I did explain at the start that I am looking for "something real". Like love.

And in the last few weeks I have been dealing with a lot of big life stuff (like my grandfather dying, my sister having her fourth baby (yes, you heard correctly - four), getting three assignments done within the space of two weeks to meet a qualification deadline, not to mention the incredibly demanding full-time job I hold down).

This gave me reason to hold off on raising these red flags with him. But I did so, yesterday. I told him how I have been feeling. He said he understood, but that he was not in the same place as me. I said, "fair enough, no hard feelings". He said "but we can still be friends." I said "....". He said "so let me know if you would still like to catch up". I said "I think I'll leave it for a while, thanks."

He said that I do amazing things and that I am wonderful. Which, I kinda agree with.

He said he felt sad. He didn't sound very sad. But, who knows... different people deal with these things in different ways, and he is a very reasonable and understanding person who probably didn't want to make a hard decision harder for me.

I think he understands. And if he doesn't... then he doesn't. I know I have that sad feeling and wonder whether I will meet someone like him, but who actually wants to confide in me when things go pear-shaped, who wants to offer me love and receive my love, and who wants to spend time with me. Someone who actually knows that I tick all of his boxes and grabs the opportunity with both hands.

It's interesting, though, this time this one was pretty near perfect for me. And yet I don't feel like I am the one who messed this up. In fact, I am pretty damn confident that I just made the best decision for myself, one that will (hopefully) mean that I WILL find the right guy out there who makes me feel fabulous. This tells me that, unlike every other time that a relationship hasn't worked out, my self-confidence remains high. That I have not allowed that little negative saboteur voice inside my head tell me it was my fault, and that if only I was someone different they would have stayed.

This time, it's me saying "I am not getting what I need, and no matter how amazing you are, my needs are also important."

Loving the new me.

To be or not to be

I love the movie What Dreams May Come... and I never realised its title came from the famous, beautiful and self-examining soliloquy from Shakespeare's Hamlet. The soliloquy examines the very nature of choosing a continued existence and how, in our darkest moments, we often question either consciously or unconsciously why we continue to battle the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

For my 37th birthday this year I purchased for myself a gift. It was a black and white line painting of the death of Ophelia. It is both beautiful and disturbing, and each time I look at it I am reminded of how precious life is and how that decision to continue is such an important one.

William Shakespeare - To be, or not to be (from Hamlet 3/1)

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

I.R.L.

I have a wonderful concept for a sitcom. I won't divulge all the details here, cos, frankly, I want to monetise it (isn't that both a beautiful and horrible word at the same time... it incorporates the best and worst of creativity and word-hijacking I've seen to date, but I can't seem to avoid using it... or if I used my least favourite word EVER, "utilising" it.... GAH.... I appear to have digressed...)

So my sitcom idea is based on the concept that none of us have "real" lives anymore. We all seem to exist in cyber-space, and sometimes those identities merge with real life, other times they don't.

And the ensusing complications and hijinx that entails.

Ahhh.... what the world needs now... is another sitcom.

THERE IS A POINT TO THIS BLOG, WAIT FOR IT!

So, last night I met yet another friend "in real life" that I met via my online world, namely Twitter. My worlds had collided yet again. I love it when that happens. It is like a little mini-proof that I am not JUST a Netizen, but a real live human being that can still relate F2F (that's Face To Face for non-Netizens).

I recently did an audit of my Facebook friends, to see how many I met via online channels as opposed to real life meetings. Twenty. That's 20 friends I would not have met otherwise, as we live such distances from each other that we could ONLY have met online.

However, last night was different. Last night a met someone that appears to be the spitting image of me, metaphorically speaking. We both live in Surry Hills. We seem to share a brain, according to the comments we will simultaneously dish out at a rate of knots (we both LURVE talking). We share a similar vintage. We are both, as a mutual friend and cafe-owner insisted when he suggested we would get along "like a house on fire", faghags. We move in similar circles, in fact it was suggested last night that it's surprising we didn't have any friends in common on Facebook... a theory which proved only a degree of separation exists from that when she mentioned a friend who I have mutual friends with (am I losing you now, dear readers?)

Never mind. It all makes sense to me. The upshot is that our virtual worlds and real worlds are now colliding in ways that both surprise and terrify me. For someone who is both so willing to be 100% myself with anyone, and share to the point of over-sharing, I am also fiercely protective of my "real" information. The so-called "real" me. But... you have to wonder... has that already been taken from me with my long history of social networking use, which dates back to H2G2 days before it was owned by the BBC?

The perfect "non" relationship

I made a sly comment on my previous brief blog about having met someone special. I thought I should elaborate on that, as I realise that was the equivalent of a blog "hit and run"!

As you all know I have been waiting a very very long time to meet a special person. Someone who is, not necessarily perfect, but perfect for me.

So... he has finally come along. And to my complete surprise and delight, he is not at all interested in a traditional relationship, much in the same way that I am not, but compeletely understands intimacy (emotional as well as...), mutual respect and support.

I once wrote about this on a former blog, which detailed my search for something real and meaningful, which didn't necessarily mean living in someone else's pockets 24/7. It spoke of my longing to meet someone who understood that we could both maintain separate, independent lives, but also have a close emotional bond built through mutual respect and interdependence.

And so it seems that this friendship has developed into something resembling my fantasy! Here is my Renaissance man (if he took it into his head to built a rocket and fly to the moon I have no doubts that he would), and he completely secure in himself to allow me to be myself, to be fabulous without worrying it will take something from him, to allow me to continue my scarily busy lifestyle I have become accustomed to without guilt, and come together when we both have chances in our schedules which we both agree feels like magic in every way.

And yet, neither of us feels the need to obsess, dominate or grasp at each other like there is no such thing as tomorrow. We text and call when we get the chance during our busy days. We catch up when we can. We sometimes take turns "staying over", but return to our very comfortable and happily separate residences when we have filled up with the happiness cup in each others' company.

I am looking forward to doing all the things we have talked about together. I am looking forward to the future again, which is amazing.

I thank the universe for delivering a wonderful partnership, or "match of equals", to me after such a long wait and after so many prayers.

Thank you.

Cobwebs? This blog haz dem

Long time, no blog. Lately things have been off-the-hook busy.

I was in Hong Kong last week, for one thing. It was great, but this week I face the piles of neglected work and clients.

I also am in a very good place right now. I have recently made a very special new friend which is lovely and unexpected.

I am happy.

Thanks for all your support of late, you know who you all are :)

Hobbies R Us

I'm on the verge of a new hobby, I can feel it.

It makes me want to catalogue all the hobbies I have pursued in my entire life so that I can see the time, effort, money and equipment I have purchased and subsequently discarded when the next "shiny new toy" came along...

Should make for interesting reading.

1. Piano - age 5 to 18. Equipment: one piano. Hourly lessons weekly, one hour practice daily (theoretically), theory and practical exames yearly Time invested: 5,447 hours

2. Italian lessons - age 6 to 12. 2 hourly lessons weekly, one pageant annually. Time invested: 630 hours

3. Trampolining - age 12 to 14. Weekly lessons, regular competitions. Time invested: 104 hours

4. Linnet Girls Choir - age 14 to 17. Weekly 3 hour practice sessions. 2-week Japan and Hong Kong tour. Regular concerts and Eisteddfords each year. Time invested: 894 hours

4. Motorbike riding - on and off from age 12 to the present. 2 x Honda CB250s, Honda Hornet 600 and Honda CBR600F, complete with leathers, wet weather gear, travelling equipment, various after-market parts such as Pazzo racing levers, tinted screens and Staintune exhausts... Multiple trips and multiple biker clubs.

5. Surf boat rowing - one summer during uni.

6. Skiing, rollerskating, snowboarding, surfing and skateboarding... various times and ages in life, never invested in gear, but did many many lessons in all of them, or just hung out at skating parks

7. Improvisational comedy - been doing this for over 2 years now, have done levels 1, 2, 3, and 4 (long form), performed in various shows and done numbers one-day workshops with Bill Arnett (Second City), Cale Bain (Toronto improv), Ed Iliades, and Jason R. Chin.

8. Stand up comedy - just started a workshop.

9. Roller derby - just starting out... this could get expensive with not only skates, pads, helmet, but also the various costumes those girls wear... not to mention time invested in coming up with a cool Roller derby name...

In short, I've done a lot of things (some I haven't bothered listing, as they come and go so quickly) and I enjoy doing a lot of things.

Life's too short to be bored.

Mojo facelift

Right, bugger this for a lark, the recent R U OK promotions have given me a new found honesty, and I'm gonna come right out and say it.

I am currently suffering from anxiety and depression. I am struggling with the big fat "why is life worth it" question again of late. I have a lot of negative self-talk going on at the moment, and I am buggered if I know how to deal with it, as it's the same old questions turning over in my head, making me feel worthless as though I am a big fake, defrauding my loved ones into thinking I am this amazing person, when in my own head I am spiralling. I have been here before, I don't want to be here now, and I have limited resources to deal with it when I find myself here, which is why I tend to withdraw from real life and just exist online (Facebook, Twitter, blogging) as it takes less energy to fake it till you make it (in cyberspace, no-one can see you scream).

I don't get this all the time, not even most of the time.

But occasionally, like the last few weeks, Depression will creep up on me like a Ninja, envelop me in its ever-darkening cloak, then keep me submerged with lethargy and apathy until all of a sudden I'm awoken to its presence by its hyperactive twin, Anxiety, who will burst into my room with a shrill cry that sounds like nails down a blackboard, take my heart in both his hands and squeeeeze until I'm breathing from the shallowest part of my chest and my brain goes haywire.

That's where I found myself yesterday, as I sat in my Life Coach's office and cried for the first 10 minutes of our appointment.

I have started seeing a life coach because this rollercoaster of enormous highs and lows in my life has started wearing thin. It's great to get things done while things are going really well, and steamroller ahead putting more things on my plate, and I really do come across to others like I have a Midas touch with everything I do... until I realise I am heading for another trainwreck.

It's times like these when I sit down and re-evaluate everything I have going on, and realise that I have put my health back to the bottom of the list again. Things like eating well, getting enough sleep, moving more than simply walking to the bus stop to and from work each day... it's time to get these things kickstarted again.

Moving => breathing => better headspace

So, I'm gonna walk my Mojo back into town again. But, as "Coach" said yesterday, I am also going to be kind to myself. I'm NOT going to hit myself over the head with a huge training schedule, I am going to pick a few times a week where I can do something physically active, and also plan my daily meals a little better, instead of grabbing toast as I get to work, grabbing takeaway for lunch, in between coffees and sitting down an awful lot while doing a mainly sedentary job, while avoiding drinking my way through a bottle of wine of an evening while watching Project Runway!

Oh yeah, cos lately, that's what it has been like. It ain't a pretty picture.

I also need to brainstorm things that nurture me and strategies for warding off the brooding mentality. Like reading a good book (any recommendations?), scheduling TV time (rather than sitting in front of it all evening like a Zombie), painting my nails, calling a friend, reading a magazine, writing my comedy routine, sipping a cup of herbal tea in a cafe watching the world go by.... the possiblities are endless.

Baby steps. And one day at a time.

Happiness: an obsession

I travelled to New York in my 20s, where I struck up a passing acquaintance with a French woman. We talked about life, the universe and everything (in other words, my kind of conversation). After our long and involved conversation she left me with these final words of wisdom:

"The most important thing in life is a penis."

Needless to say, I was a little gobsmacked and confused. Did she mean that you needed to be a man to get by in life? Did she mean that I, as a young woman, should pin my life goals on getting married? Did she mean that penis envy was at the heart of the feminist issues that prevented most of us forward progressive gals from getting the most out of life?

After ruminating long and hard (pardon the pun) over this conundrum, it finally dawned on me.

The advice had been lost in translation through her delightful French accent... the most important thing in life was, in fact, HAPPINESS!

The pursuit of happiness has been analysed, dissected, discussed, hypothesised, studied and deliberated upon. Surveys are conducted to determine how happy we are as a nation, as individuals, as demographics, any which way you care to chop up humankind and peer at it on a petrie dish.

The pursuit of happiness is even encoded into creeds, into national anthems, national psyches and an entire self-help genre has sprung from this sense of entitlement and pursuit of the damn thing.

I have spent a fair chunk of the last half a decade getting myself from a state of suicidal depression to the bouncing, joyful, lust-for-life attitude I currently display 90 per cent of the time. I was, for a long time, obsessed with this pursuit, and how it happens, and the whys, wherefores and how-to questions we all have.

If happiness is so important, what is the key to happiness?

Thankfully, yet another study has surfaced to satisfy my curious little mind.

According to new research, you can't blame your genes any longer, it is mainly your choice in partner and life goals that are the determinent to happiness. The study was done over 25 years, the only study to take long term tracking of happiness levels into account.

I found this fascinating. I have experienced some pretty low lows in my life, all within a very short period of each other, that tore me from my anchor in life, and sent me tail-spinning into a deep black abyss of pain. It was SOLELY my relationships with key family members and friends (although not, unfortunately due to having a great life partner, that was the reason I went on the spiralling journey in the first place) that re-focused me and my ability to set and maintain life goals. The first and most important of which being: stay alive long enough to make it worth living again.

The only thing that has improved my happiness levels since that time has been seeing my life goals come to fruition, such as doing improvisation comedy, being stable enough to maintain a great job again, prioritising friends and family, having friends and family who prioritise me in their lives (no matter how off-centre I sometimes get). Letting go of any kind of materialistic outlook (I know from experience how damaging that focus can be), and my happy partner these days is simply: myself.

My relationship with myself has only gone from strength to strength. I have allowed myself to grow, blossom and create room for happiness to come to me, rather than chasing it.

I journalled during my darkest hours. I sometimes read over those pages to see how far I have come, and it always brings tears to my eyes to see the journey from this end of the road.

I once wrote: "Happiness is like a butterfly. You can't chase it, so I have to just stand as still as I can and allow it to land on me."



RECIPE FOR CONTENTMENT
Key to being happy may not be in genes but in your choices by Amy Corderoy, Sydney Morning Herald, October 5, 2010 - 9:33AM

Have a happy partner

Don't be overworked or underworked

Prioritise family and community, and have a partner who does so as well

Don't be materialistic

Don't be obese

Do your best... then get over it

Long time, no blog.

I've been sick, which always stifles my creativity. But the past week off work, stapled to my couch, coughing up lungs and getting rid of the lurgy that overtook my body with a speed and savagery of a Mongol horde has given me plenty of time to reflect on the use of "feeling sorry for yourself".

I don't want to sound all ranty-lecture-lady, but with illness comes far more limited patience with OPDs (Other People's Dramas) of which I have been subjected to a lot lately. I am a good listener, and a compassionate person, which is probably the reason people come to me for advice, sympathy or just a friendly ear.

But I must say that lately, there seems to have been a lot of dramas of the "mountain out of a molehill" variety, to which my response has been "just do your best.... then get over it".

What I mean by this is.... it's never as bad as you think.

Putting your life's dramas into perspective can be liberating; as that classic Casablanca quote goes "the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world".

The only thing any of us can do is our best. Do your best in your relationships, your work, your self-improvement, your creative pursuits, your spirituality, your [insert aspect of life here]... then if it doesn't work out, understand that you have DONE your best, that most other people's reactions to YOU don't really matter, that their reactions are about them, and it probably isn't personal.

So, feel sad that whatever you expected to happen hasn't happened, and that you have been disappointed, then whack a sense of humour over the situation, put on a smile, and get over it.

It takes some practice, believe me. But it really works.

And, you'll feel better for doing it, trust me :)

Chivalry is NOT inherently sexist

I found myself reading Samantha Brett's blog today (I really try hard to restrain myself, but I was at home ill today, and had nothing else to read after scouring most of my online news sources, blogs and also exhausting my regular Facebook addiction)

Today's topic was "Is sexism still alive?"

The first comment was:

"Sure we want to eradicate sexism. But not as a consequence of killing off chivalry at the same time." - except that chivalry is inherently sexist.
Your problem is that equal rights and special treatment (e.g. chivalry) are mutually exclusive. Trying to gain both is a thing that children do.

I take EXTREME exception to the assertion that "chivalry is inherently sexist."

I view chivalry as the ability for a man to treat females well, in particular the special female in his life. It is an encoded way for men to cherish and respect women, and to demonstrate that they respect womankind as a whole... this is something of which we see less and less these days. In fact, we see rather more sentiments as the one above, which seem to portray women as nasty, shallow, superficial creatures trying to "have it both ways"... and I also see this echoed in the ways that men are portrayed by womens' comments on similar blogs.

In fact, I am very saddened to see both sexes trying to beat each other in their race to the lowest common denominator.

Chivalry, in its purest sense, should not be about treating a female as a lesser being, but showing her that she is cherished, as a representation of the Divine Goddess (don't laugh, people, I am being serious here).

That said, I would also love women to view themselves this way and to act accordingly. To respect themselves, to uphold their femininity, mystique and ability to be vulnerable and openness to their more tender sides. I know it's hard, as a women who exists in the corporate world where hardness seems more appreciated, with the ability to project independence seemingly paramount.

I would go so far as to flip this argument completely, and to say that it's like saying that female nurturing is inherently sexist. That a female's care and nurture of the special man in her life is about treating men as lesser beings, unable to take care of themselves. You see where I am going with this?

I am hoping for a return to a middle ground, where both sexes treat each other as both equals from a humankind perspective, but cherished for our differences... for our differences make up a stronger whole when added together.

Fill in the the blank: "Online dating is [blank]"

I lasted a week. Which is a pretty poor effort, I will concede.

I met up with one person, had phone conversations with another, and got to "online first base email conversations" with the rest.

Notwithstanding my very wise "Do's and Dont's" there was always something a little disconcerting about opening myself up to an undisclosed number of "anybodys" online and asking them to judge whether they'd like to date me.

As I said before, interest was high. But mine was not.

Not even for the comic material, I kind of felt sorry for some of the men who contacted me and within only a few emails were gushing about their affection towards me. Sincere or insincere? Desperate and needy? Lacking any social boundaries that you might display when meeting someone under "normal" (ie: non-date-expectation) settings?

Whatever the reason, my patience snapped when I got my final "kiss" from a man whose profile stated that his perfect partner "would love having sex with [him] for hours, and enjoy the sensual pleasures of [his] touch. Even when we are not having sex, we would bask together with each other in the afterglow."

Um.... riiiiiiight.

I appreciate that sex is a huge part of any relationship, but seriously...? Stating that on your profile? It just cemented the "ickiness" factor I had when venturing back into the online dating world.

So, that's it for me. I'm going back to the old-fashioned method of putting myself out there with people who are part of my 3D world.

It's so crazy, it just might work!

Impro vs stand-up

I fell in love with an old flame last night, his name was Impro.

I have been flirting with various forms for about two years now, short-form (otherwise known as Theatresports) and long form (various Harold formats, Armando and others that I don't have names for) and have also been a dedicated viewer of all the improv shows that have burst onto the Sydney scene in 2010 thanks to some very talented people.

I have also signed up to a stand-up comedy workshop that starts in October, and will either culminate in a grad show or a knock-kneed me appearing at an Open Mic session.

I don't have any experience to make the following comparisons between improv and stand-up, but my feeling towards improvising is that it keeps you very much in the moment. I enjoy being reminded to live in the moment. When it works, you feel like you are creating something of beauty that is completely ephemeral, much like a Buddhist monk creating a sand Mandala, only to brush it away after days of painstaking creation. I enjoy creating something ephemeral, and I also enjoy not knowing what might come next, but that trust in your fellow improvisors to go with an idea is extremely addictive.

Whereas stand-up comedy is all about the writing process (which I understand will be what this workshop is about), and the delivery. You can have great material but completely stuff it up on delivering the punchline, or your timing might be slightly off, and you don't get the laugh. It's also repeatable, and indeed some stand-up comics can continue re-using their best material over and over again and people will pay to see them as they are such funny comic executors.

One comment I have had about my delivery of other material is that I have "no pride". I don't think his comment meant that I schlepp around in trackie dacks and don't shower for days, but more that I don't care enough about what other people think of me to worry about looking foolish. Some of my best moments in real life that have led to comic opportunities have come from my embrace of looking foolish or doing foolish things. In fact, that is where I am mining my comedy routine's content from... things I probably shouldn't have done... but did anyway.

There's rather a lot of material, actually.

Improvising is also about delivery, but the pros call it "committing" to a scene or a character. It's more about the intent behind the "offer", than the actual delivery of that offer. I have seen some brilliant fellow improvisers that simply stand there and deliver their "offers" with complete deadpan faces, and still be side-splittingly funny. Whereas that schtick wears a little thin if you are stand-up comic, unless your material is absolutely BRILLIANT.

I am looking forward to getting back into improv, and will be doing shows again as of this week. However, I am hella nervous but also very excited to "learn" how to write comic material, and to hopefully be able to deliver it well.

It is a huge risk, but life is about risks. And I am looking forward to seeing whether I can pull it off.

You’re never fully dressed without a smile

Something that’s struck me as odd in this whole online dating caper is that a lot of people put up pictures of themselves in the most unbelievable contexts (some specific examples I have come across include: sitting in a helicopter, at work in a factory, standing beside unbelievably expensive-looking cars, at exotic locations presumably on exciting holidays, drinking wine at a bar) and yet not one of them is smiling. There is something... unfinished... about them.

For a wonderful song illustrating what I mean, click here.

I love people who smile. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what you look like, whether you believe you are attractive, homely, short, tall, well dressed, shabbily dressed, got make up on, going bare-faced… if you have a sincere smile on your face that shows whatever you are doing is enjoyable, then you will ALWAYS be appealing.

Try smiling. Right now. Put down this blog and do some grinning. I will be here when you get back.

Go on.

See? How do you feel now? I’ll bet you even feel happier already. And all you had to do was pull the muscles of your face outwards and show some teeth.

A big, happy grin on your mug makes you more approachable as well. People will believe you are more relaxed, easy going, and will be more willing to strike up a conversation with you. As I have found, multiple times IRL as well as online. Mind you, this also means I get approached by people who could be considered a little on the fringes of society, but that’s alright. As long as you are not offensive or harmful, I’ll talk to you.

But, show me a picture of someone who is looking deadpan and serious in EVERY SINGLE ONE of their photos and I am likely to say “no thanks”.

S’all I’m sayin’, people.

Date? Why thank you, I’ll take half a dozen.

So, I have ventured back to the world of online dating. I have done this a couple of times in the past, and run away screaming from the outcomes*. One date, as I recall, actually asked me not to blaspheme. Twice. Now, I wasn’t going Biblical on him, just saying something like “Oh good Lord!” in response to something interesting (or startling) he had just said. Another memorable date was the guy who asked me to wait for him at the pub while he did some market research to supplement his income… And I actually did... for 20 minutes. I do not kid, people. More shall be revealed about these dates in my upcoming comedy routine (do you like how I slipped in a plug there?)

*I didn’t actually run away screaming, because that would have been overly dramatic, but I did consider chewing off my arm during more than one date that was initiated via this medium.

“So, why”, I hear my erudite readers ask, “are you back online and running the risk of repeat experiences?”

I’ll be completely honest with you, because we're all friends here now! I have many male friends, but the last time I was actually on an actual, real, live date IRL** and not simply “hanging out” with mates was March 2010. Before that, it was October 2009. Before that… well let’s not dip into the realm of ancient history, or I might just fake-cry for sympathy.

**In Real Life, as we interwebby-denizens like to call the 3D experience our forebears once mistook for ACTUAL reality… you know, back in the days before all communications happened via email, Facebook or Twitter.

I will admit right up front, interest is high, but I am already having massive reservations about the whole thing. I am thinking it may just be the online equivalent to hanging a sandwich board on myself and standing in the middle of Australia Square, yelling into a megaphone “do you want some of this boys? Anyone? Any takers at all?”

In short, it doesn’t feel very classy. And the steps taken to getting to meet someone who you only know from a profile page, seem rather contrived. Not to mention, rushed. Whatever happened to taking one’s time to get to know someone before rushing into the “so what’s your phone number” question?***

***Some of my 3D friends don’t even have my phone number. It’s not because I don’t trust them, it’s simply not my preferred communication method. So why would I allow someone I have never met the ability to send thousands of text messages or calls per day?

So. Here is a list of my pros and cons of internet dating. Maybe by the end of this list, I will have convinced myself to go back to my garden-variety dateless way of life.

Pros
Opportunity to meet more people
You can rate someone's compatibility via their like/dislike lists
You have the ability to quickly search and find potential matches
You can quickly move on if bored

Cons
You actually have to meet more people
There are no guarantees of honesty
Time is needed to reply/evaluate/meet/repeat
I get bored easily

Hmmmmmm this isn't looking promising, but I'll stick with it for the time being. The problem is, if I am being honest with myself, that I can manage "all or nothing" situations very well. I have become really great at living a "good" single life, and I know I can be great as one half of a long-term committed couple. What I am not so good at is getting FROM one state to the other. I suck at dating and being wooed, and I also suck at break ups. (Which is probably why I don't have many exes in my current circle of friends.)

So, is internet dating going to help me get from single life to a relationship? Will time tell? Will I be patient enough to give it that time? Or will I be announcing the end of my profile days within days or weeks again, as I have before.

To keep me on the straight and narrow, I have compiled a list of Do's and Dont's in my approach to this whole shemozzle:

- Do have fun with it
- Don't take it all too seriously
- Do say "yes" to initial contact more often than I would IRL, give the guys a chance!
- Don't bow to pressure to reveal more than I would IRL (e.g. phone number)
- Do maintain control, have someone with me when initially meeting a prospective date
- Don't make the first date anything to do with a meal, coffee is fine for first impressions
- Do reserve the right to use any and all material in my stand-up routine, if dates should turn out as weird and wacky as past experiences
- Don't look gift horses in the mouth, if someone sounds wonderful, maybe he is
- Do give the benefit of the doubt
- Don't use boredom as an excuse to switch off, perserverence leads to great things

Coming out of the closet as a gay man

Warning: this blog is entirely tongue in cheek. If you ask me which cheek, I will merely grin and re-direct you to #9 on the list below.

I promised you tales of internet dating, stand-up comedy and random head thoughts.

This is a blog from behind Door Number 3.

It was triggered by a conversation I had this morning with my barista, who was nonplussed by an off-hand remark I made about being a “closeted gay man”.

Okay, I sense I am already confusing my readers and may need to back it up a little here. No pun intended. See? Already with the jokes.

Context: When a man starts chatting up a cute barista in a Surry Hills establishment, chances are he is of the mano-e-mano persuasion, and I am sure my gaydar was not off this morning as I assured my friend that he had definitely been cruised.

However, it cemented my realisation that, for some time, I have been closeted as a gay man, and that it’s time to emerge from the darkness and to wear my rainbow banner with pride.

Top 10 reasons why I could sometimes be mistaken as a gay man

1. I am clearly attracted to men (apologies to Brett, whose efforts to persuade me towards a life of Sapphic bliss, possibly for the benefit of entertaining him, have been met with stone cold indifference)
2. A large proportion of my inner circle are gay men
3. I know every showtune on the Broadway Top Hits of All Time
4. And can belt them out with flamboyance that would put Julian Clary to shame
5. I know who Julian Clary is
6. And most of his jokes
7. I have been involved in way too many conversations about “fancy love*” (a nod to Didey there, another closeted gay man if ever I met one…)
8. And have conversed loudly in public about it becoming an increasing trend
9. Double Entendre is my default conversation setting

Okay, so there were only 9 reasons. You will have to just toughen up, princess.

Oh yeah…

10. Underneath my very innocent, fresh-faced exterior lies the heart of a sarcastic bitch.

Any others that you can think of, feel free to add your own. I am sure others have been aware of my gay maleness for some time. Possibly even longer than myself.

*anal sex

25 Things You May Not Know About Me

Here is something just to whet your appetite for those of you who have rushed up to the front of the class, your backs straight, eyes gleaming and bright with anticipation, all facing forward with your complete attention on "Miss" up the front.... all the while "Miss" is looking more and more nervous as she actually has accumulated a larger audience than anticipated and didn't plan this far in advance other than vague blog ideas in her head to hit the ground running with in two days time.

So... here's something for all you eager squirrels (I would have used an animal that rhymes with "eager" but I'm not set to "private" yet... and wouldn't want the politesse police parolling my puns with the purpose of proposing perdition upon my person...)

It's a little old, copied and pasted straight from a Facebook survey I did over 18 months ago. Some points are changed to reflect updated attitudes.

25 Things You May Not Know About Me - February 2, 2009

1. I think karma takes care of a lot so I tend not to worry about what other people are doing. I try to look at each challenge or unpleasant experience as a lesson, and I believe forgiveness is the key to happiness.

2. I still struggle with the above.

3. I have always been a passionate participant in social-based networking websites, the first one that I joined was H2G2, a site that was co-created by the legendary Douglas Adams. It was based loosely from the concept of his “Guide” from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series.

4. I used to be a confirmed adventure gamer, with addictions to Myst, Riven, Starship Titanic and Infocom text-based games like Zork.

5. I have lived in Sydney all my life, but have travelled quite a fair bit, courtesy of my previous jobs that sent me globetrotting. My favourite city is Paris.

6. I’m actually quite shy. No really, I am! Why are you looking at me like that?

7. I believe in all forms of God, Buddha, Yaweh, Allah, but don’t follow a particular flavour of religion.

8. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice.

9. I love all forms of the colour red, including the pinks down at the “girlier” end of the scale. Red to me represents life, blood, passion, security, drive and love.

10. I often walk along in my own little dream world. I can often block out everyone when I’m spaced out. If I’ve appeared to have ignored you and you think I’ve snubbed you, please forgive me!

11. I love all kinds of people who could be considered “quirky”. I love people who exude passion for what they do, believe in, talk about, etc.

12. I like to entertain people. When people around me are laughing or smiling, I feel good.

13. I always said I wanted to be a doctor when I was little. I’m not sure why.

14. One thing I can say about my life is that it hasn’t been dull! Last year I went a little overboard on the activities but I had both energy and time to kill again, so decided to get it all done! This year, I’m just focusing on just a few things Please note, I didn't focus on just a few things, I still killed myself with activities. I can't say I have learned how to stop this trend in 2010, either...

15. My worst fear: missing out

16. One of my wishes as a kid was to read all the books in the world. I wish they’d stop publishing, as it’s hard to keep up!

17. I wish I were more patient. With situations, others, and more importantly, myself.

18. I am a complete techno geek deep down, but seem to break my computers and gadgets on a regular basis!

19. I agree with Paulo Coehlo, that when you truly want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it.

20. I love all food, wine, and song. I am a passionate adherent to the pleasure principle. Hence, my focus this year on health and fitness Again, this always seems to be a focus... I wonder when I will feel like I have actually accomplished something in this area

21. I belong to an awesome family, who I unfortunately don’t get to see much of these days. This, I have to say, has changed somewhat *large grin*

22. I very often get the feeling that I have no idea what on earth I am doing.

23. I do not like dating one iota, it always seems contrived to me. When I fall in love, I’m “all-in” and THEN some, so I get rather disillusioned when that isn’t returned and tend to go back to my cave for quite a while. oh this is going to be fun...

24. I realise the last point is not a sign of a balanced personality. But hey, I never promised balance, just because I am a Libran .

25. I prefer hot weather to cold

Hello again... is it me you're looking for?

I'm back, and I'm blogger-trigger-finger-ready!

I have lots to say, given the months I have been away from the blogosphere. But... here's the catch. I will be hiding this blog in a couple of days for privacy reasons. If you would like to be invited to read my updates, please send me your email address and I will subscribe you!

You will apparently need to login, but if you aren't sure what to expect, and think that subscribing is all a little too hard, here's a few upcoming blogs floating around in my brain, dying to scratch their way out, which may be worth putting the extra effort into remembering another login detail.

1. Internet dating. Why I have steered clear in the past, why I am considering a return, the pros and cons of meeting people online and the do's and don'ts of approaching it.

2. Stand-up comedy. Why improv comedy has been put aside for my venture into a world where writing and delivery is everything, where getting it wrong can cause excruciating pain, but getting it right can give you wings.

3. Observations, musings and wonderings about life in general. You've seen the short versions on Facebook and Twitter, now probe more deeply behind the random thought processes of an oft-time status update poster.

It's entirely up to you, dear friends. Enter at your peril.

Mwuahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!